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#439444 - 06/28/13 12:01 PM How to "disagree" with surviver nicely
sweet_summer Offline


Registered: 06/26/13
Posts: 6
Hi all, I'm a new member of this forum.
I have dated a survivor for about 3 months. And he has just shared with me he is a CSA very recently. Since that day I feel I obsess with this topic and I always analyze his behavior under the light of someone under child abuse mentality influence.

He is going through a rough time, trying to find a new job and trying to find a new rental place to live. But he has those issues because he quit his current job himself out of nowhere; and he quarreled with the current house owner over trivia thing.

He trusts me very much and he shares with me his frustration over the whole situation. I have been trying to be a good listener, to not judge him, and to validate his actions. I learned that survivors usually get themselves into troubles because deep inside they feel hurt and they want to punish themselves. But in my head I can't keep thinking that what he is doing right now is not really the best way. Do you think I should speak my mind and advice him, or should I just let him do what he wants to do, and just being there as a listener? Our relationship is new and I don't feel I have a place to tell him what he should do and what he should not do. I don't want him to feel controlled. And at the same time I feel it's hard seeing him feeling angry and frustrated from the problems caused by himself.


Edited by sweet_summer (06/28/13 12:11 PM)

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#439450 - 06/28/13 01:46 PM Re: How to "disagree" with surviver nicely [Re: sweet_summer]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Well it is for very tough question how to approach anyone and to talk directly and being involved. Finding good strategy to express self freely, not to fall into arguing and fights and finding mutual solution is essential quality of relationship in which I would like to be involved.
How to reach that is difficult for every other person beside survivors.
I would like seeing your friend starting therapy and taking care for self. Did he say anything about it? You could be great help and support for him there.
To be honest about your question I'm not sure that is possible by talk at all to come to some insights and solutions to frustrating situations if they have roots into something traumatic. There are always too many layers covering surface of problems to be easy to see it and solve it.
But anyway you need to try to explore limits and learn what is the best for you both when dealing with something sensitive.
Please also be careful not to lost focus from yourself as that is very common and very dangerous situation for someone who is in long-lasting relationship with someone who could have some needs to put it like that.
It is easy to lost connection to self and to start taking burden of other people. Please read here in this part of the board there are many insightful stories that could give you answers on your questions.

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#439497 - 06/29/13 04:07 AM Re: How to "disagree" with surviver nicely [Re: sweet_summer]
sweet_summer Offline


Registered: 06/26/13
Posts: 6
Thank you Pero for your insightful reply. It's true this is a matter in every relationship. Sometimes I think I over analyze too much. Although he is a survivor, he is also just another human being like everybody else, so maybe I should just let the survivor knowledge into the back of my mind and stop over analyzing too much. And you are right, I must be careful to not stop caring to myself and concentrate too much on another person's problems. Everyone has his own journey to travel.

I still feel concern for him though. I do think he is hurt deep down. The problem here is that we live in a developing country where "therapy" is a foreign word to most people. It's extremely difficult to get that kind of help here. I just try to educate myself on the topic via internet as much as I can.

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#439548 - 06/29/13 08:59 PM Re: How to "disagree" with surviver nicely [Re: sweet_summer]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hello sweet summer and welcome to MaleSurvivor. Pero is on the right track, survivors need therapy, but to offer it to him may be met with resistance.

Listening is a good response, "active listening" is a wonderful tool to help support a survivor, but be careful, survivors trust initially, but we quickly find that the reasoning of the supporter does not match the information in their thoughts or has the "fix-all" we depend on to make everything alright. By listening, asking questions and being patient, the supporter keeps the survivor at the head of his own decision making.

Be sure sweet summer, to find a support group that you can feel free to really express yourself about the frustrations, the fears and the pain of supporting a survivor. It is not cheating, nor disparaging to voice your struggle, there is much good that can come from the advice and experience of your peers.

Supporters are very important, thank you for reaching out for our fellow survivor,

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#439570 - 06/30/13 09:17 AM Re: How to "disagree" with surviver nicely [Re: sweet_summer]
sweet_summer Offline


Registered: 06/26/13
Posts: 6
Thank you very much Sam for your encouraging words. Yes, for now I will practice "active listening" as your advice. And I hope all the members here will support me and my survivor along the path of growth and healing smile.

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