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#439009 - 06/23/13 08:02 PM Helplessness and other negative emotions run amok
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Here's the story.

I rented an inexpensive apartment with a 6 month lease. In one week I learned that there was no insulation between floors nor between walls. I can hear everything - people talking, snoring, the whole nine yards. Not good.

There are 3 complexes. Management moved one young lady from their building to mine. She was a hang-out-in front-of-her-door-till-early-morn person. I asked her to take the party inside once. Nothing. Another time I explained to her that I have to be up for work at 2am. Nothing. Finally I called Management. Call the police they said. So the next time I did just that. A week later my car was vandalized. One of her friends tried my door to see if it was locked. Management agreed to write her a letter. Problem ended.

A month later management moved another young lady from their complex to mine. I was told she was quiet. Yea, until 10:30pm. She was also a late nighter. She and her boyfriend stay up till 4 or 6 in the morning. I have new hours and I'm out the door by 8:15am. Then the Saturday night parties began. I walked over to management. The noise reached their front door. I was told there was nothing that could be done about it and that they were really sorry.

The next day, I began spending nights in a nearby house that is under construction. My brother threw a bed in one of the finished rooms.

This is kind of funny. Last night I woke up at 3am. The neighbor put his dog out and the dog barked and howled all night. The dog woke up the rooster who began to crow. That bird woke up another nearby rooster which also began to crow although it was pitch black outside. After 45 minutes of that trio, I got up and drove back to my apt.

When I got up, I went to open my kitchen window. It had been broken. Behind the building is a steep dirt and rock cliff. Only a small trail between the two.

I immediately felt helpless, powerless, alone, isolated. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse that is just par for the course. I wander through life having to swallow by myself all the trials and grief it brings.

Then I made a program call. (I'm in Sexaholics anonymous.) I told a member the above and felt a little better. I called another really cool dude in the program and felt much better. I made calls all morning. Called the police and made more calls. Called management and left a message. Made more calls.

By this time I was feeling so much better. My emotions had calmed down. I had done all I could do. I went to church, said my prayers and began my day. At the end of the month I will give my months notice.

Normally, I would have found myself wandering in some gay cruising place, numbing myself out with sex until I felt no pain. I would have gone emotionally out of control, imagining huge lawsuits...I would have isolated from what little support group I had left.

So here is a little victory over adult male survivor of childhood sexual abuse emotions run amok.

Mac

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#439145 - 06/24/13 11:11 PM Re: Helplessness and other negative emotions run amok [Re: David Mac]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 226
Loc: California
Hey Mac,
Great job on taking steps to take care of yourself. And I would call the victory huge, not little. One of the things I hate the most is dealing with conflict, and calling things like Management and Police. I have a tendency to freeze or put those things off and just suffer with it. Anything to do with vocalizing or verbalizing.

That took a tremendous amount of courage to do, and glad that you posted this achievement on the board. Love to read posts like this! Gives me some hope and inspiration for moving forward.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#439198 - 06/25/13 05:45 PM Re: Helplessness and other negative emotions run amok [Re: David Mac]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Hey thanks Todd.

After the csa, I carried the feeling of helplessness for a long time. Everyday troubles in life would only confirm that I am helpless and powerless. My mom was a master at being a victim and so I never learned to think and do otherwise.

Though I would prefer not to have conflicts in my life, I am very happy for the victory. The day ended up being a great day too.

Thank you again for posting a response.

Mac

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#439255 - 06/26/13 10:01 AM Re: Helplessness and other negative emotions run amok [Re: David Mac]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""



Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:51 PM)

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#439374 - 06/27/13 04:46 PM Re: Helplessness and other negative emotions run amok [Re: David Mac]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Hey thanks bodyguard.

Gotta love the 12 step. It is a serious change of perspective. I wish I had worked the steps years ago. It would have saved me miles of road I should never have seen.

O well. Grateful for today.

Thanks again.

Mac

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#439556 - 06/29/13 11:29 PM Re: Helplessness and other negative emotions run amok [Re: David Mac]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 369
Loc: Ohio
Thanks for the story with the victory in it. Making progress while working through issues around all of this is a good thing.

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#439684 - 07/01/13 04:40 PM Re: Helplessness and other negative emotions run amok [Re: David Mac]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Hey Kcinohio,

I am very glad to share this victory with you guys.

It's ironic that while feelings of isolation, helplessness and powerlessness are part of the horrible sexual abuse in my childhood, I would be engaged in a behavior that produces those very same feelings and emotions.

Let the self hate flow, baby!

So I am glad that the sexual sobriety I have has allowed me to deal with all the issues which is part of csa.

Mac

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