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#439321 - 06/26/13 11:34 PM New here
Cam76 Offline


Registered: 06/25/13
Posts: 8
Hello,

I am new on this forum. I am male and am married to an awesome guy who was a victim of child abuse. It's been a steep learning curve for me as he has a lot of issues stemming from the abuse.

It's been very challenging at times to understand his issues, especially when things seem to be going so well and then suddenly tank and he is in crisis mode.
My biggest challenge is staying calm and to not get emotional when he is having a rough go of it. I feel extreme rage towards his abusers, but he will fly off the handle if I express that. I'm often walking on eggshells with him.

I am wondering if anyone has seen a therapist themselves to deal with the stress of having a partner with an abuse history?

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#439327 - 06/27/13 01:54 AM . [Re: Cam76]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#439334 - 06/27/13 05:24 AM Re: New here [Re: Cam76]
Rosemary Offline


Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Hi Cam76,

I am so glad you posted in this forum because I am able to post in it.

Firstly, Your husband is extremely lucky to have you by his side, as JoeSmith has also pointed out.

I can see that you have his best interests at heart and that is a good start. I am a great believer in love conquering just about anything.

My husband disclosed his history of abuse to me after 17 years of marriage and the birth of our two amazing daughters (now 24 and 25 years of age). This was almost 11 years ago and I can say without a doubt that our marriage is stronger for it.

It was not easy and don't let anyone tell you otherwise BUT it is worth it. My husband who is now a thriver is eternally grateful for my support. I recently asked him what I did through the years that assisted him during his recovery period. His answer was that I listended when he was willing to talk about it and I held back on questions that he was not comfortable about. Early in his recovery he asked me to write down all my questions however bad or personal they may have appeared to be and he promised that he would in time answer all of them, as of now there are no unanswered questions. I sometimes might think of something to ask him and I realise that it is not really important anymore. He also says I gave him space and time and it meant so much because he did not feel pressured. We have got to a point where WE are more important than the past.

Sometimes we watch TV now and things come up that would have triggered him before, sending him into his cave for days. I might add that when this used to happen he would warn me that he was going into the cave but he would be back and he was. Anyway, when these previously triggering things come up I find that we now discuss them openly and he handles it very well.

So.... hang in there, it does get better.

Read his story (details below) it is very encouraging. He is such an amazing man and I am so proud of him.

Best wishes,
Rose
_________________________
Rosemary

Partner Support
South African Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse
Web page www.samsosa.org

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#439340 - 06/27/13 07:54 AM Re: New here [Re: Cam76]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Quote:
I am wondering if anyone has seen a therapist themselves to deal with the stress of having a partner with an abuse history?


Yes they do. And I think it is a good idea.

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#439343 - 06/27/13 08:55 AM Re: New here [Re: Cam76]
Rosemary Offline


Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Yes, it is important to see a therapist yourself. I did at the beginning and I felt more prepared about what could lie ahead. It is very important to look after yourself FIRST.
_________________________
Rosemary

Partner Support
South African Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse
Web page www.samsosa.org

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#439344 - 06/27/13 09:07 AM Re: New here [Re: Cam76]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1570
I have found those that listen and give a gentle smile have been the most helpful. Also, on good days, ask how are you doing. The survivor likes to be able to say I am feeling good.

Words of understanding to the survivor seem unreal because the survivor knows the person does not understand the emotions, the damage, the self loathing, the feeling of being worthless and the confusion in the mind on how the parts of the survivor feels about the abuser. Part of the survivor may despise the abuser and a part, the child, may have feelings of love. It is so confusing to the survivor. Do not doubt the survivors feelings, do not say get over it, do not accuse the survivor of pretending or exaggerating. Just listen and do not be judgmental.

As a survivor I met people who lent their ear and smile and I met those that attacked me for the abuse and how I reacted to the abuse--this stifle the healing and can push the survivor back to the deep darkness of the abuse.

I hope this helps. As suggested here, seeking counseling for yourself, you need support.

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#440412 - 07/08/13 07:06 PM Re: New here [Re: Cam76]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
"I am wondering if anyone has seen a therapist themselves to deal with the stress of having a partner with an abuse history?"

Yes, and they are very helpful. I'm in a rural area so my experience with good ones that can handle this stuff is slim but I have read many posts were people have gotten great advice.

My opinion, go therapist shopping but watch out for the lemons!

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