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#438605 - 06/18/13 10:56 PM Hello, and some questions
pnutbttrjlly Offline


Registered: 06/18/13
Posts: 3
Hello,
I am new to this forum and website resource.
I wanted to share my brief story, and then I had some questions from people to see what kind of advice they have have, or their stories and progress.

My quick background:
First year at college I was abused at age 18 by an older male friend who I was staying with during college. This was my first sexual encounter of any type. (I never had any girlfriends in college.)
I have since had no further sexual experiences, and have never had any relationships. I have buried this and avoided it for the last 12 years. But the last 6 months I have been facing this and doing much research.
During these years, I avoided relationships because I was confused of my identity.
Last night I wrote my story down and gave it to a friend to read, and letting him know I needed a good friend. I'm afraid I may have made him disgusted towards me for TMI in my story. I have not heard from him at all in the last 24 hours after I gave him my story. (It is difficult to verbalize, so I wrote it instead.)

Things I have realized:
-I was 18 when it happened, instead of being a young child - so I feel it has not had as much of an impact on me as it would have a developing child.
- The perpetrator is deceased, so he can't have a hold over my life, and he can't hurt anyone else.
- I have read some developmental theories, and have determined that my confusion was based, mostly, on my experiences and having a desire to rehash them while in control.
- It is time for me to start dating.
- This will not run my life if I don't let it.
- Talking through your thoughts is the best way to figure out and have "ah-ha" moments and be able to move on.

Now here are my questions:
1 - Has anybody been shunned by a friend when you discussed your story with them? And how did you salvage the relationship or not? (I'm also anxious, because he may not have even read it yet.)
2 - Does anyone else have identity confusion from their experiences? What were these outcomes?
3 - Has anybody had a healthy heterosexual relationship following their abuse, or what struggles have you had to deal with or overcome in the relationships?

I hope this gives some a brief outline. There is finally light and hope after the last 12 years. And I hope someone's story will be able to give me that "ah-ha" moment I need.

Thank you and blessings to all!

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#438608 - 06/18/13 11:24 PM Re: Hello, and some questions [Re: pnutbttrjlly]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 286
Loc: Ohio
hi pnutbttrjlly,

Thanks for sharing your story. Hope you find the forums supportive. Don't have answers to ?'s, but wanted to welcome you.

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#438622 - 06/19/13 04:37 AM Re: Hello, and some questions [Re: pnutbttrjlly]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 741
Loc: michigan
hey pnutbttrjlly
the questions you ask are all very common ones and I am sure that many here have wrestled with them. for me personally I can answer a couple from my experiences
1 - Has anybody been shunned by a friend when you discussed your story with them? And how did you salvage the relationship or not? (I'm also anxious, because he may not have even read it yet.) telling a friend is a very strong move on your par. unfortunately it can trigger huge anxiety and there is no way to know how the person will react. I have never had the experience of being rejected specifically because of telling but I have talked to others who have. the main thing to remember is that you have NOT done anything wrong in seeking support for these issues in your life. the untouched can have a lot of trouble processing the abuse just like we do. fortunately for them... they don't have to live with it
2 - Does anyone else have identity confusion from their experiences? What were these outcomes? same sex attractions are so so common among survivors. for any number of reasons. i have had them all my life and I am married now 27 years to a woman who I love we have had a good sexual relationship and the issue is something that only I have to wrestle with. sometimes it seems to fade almost completely other times it is stronger but that in itself is no indication of your sexuality.
3 - Has anybody had a healthy heterosexual relationship following their abuse, or what struggles have you had to deal with or overcome in the relationships? the struggles that I have had to overcome are again similar to many. survivors tend to struggle with trust and intimacy issues. for me my abuse happened as a young boy and at different times last being at 13 so I built a lot of protection into my life lots of ptsd symptoms things like that which again become stronger at times and fade greatly at others.
I hope this answers some of your questions feel free to PM me any time if I can help
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#438632 - 06/19/13 07:42 AM Re: Hello, and some questions [Re: pnutbttrjlly]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 587
Hey pnutbttrjlly,

welcome.

Sounds like you've already done some good work in figuring things out. That's great.

As far as your questions . . . all I can say for all of them is "yes, and still working on it!" I've had friends who weren't able to deal, but also some who were. It was on a person by person basis, but the best advice I can give is to be very conscious of what you want from a friendship. Not all friendships serve the same purposes, and sometimes its ok not to talk about certain things with certain people. It doesn't made the friendship false, just focused on something else like a common interest.

Identity confusion is a big yes. The outcome is . . . still working on it =)

I consider myself bisexual. I don't know if I would have before the abuse (my earliest was around 4), that gets very complicated. But for the last several years I've been in a happy, loving monogamous heterosexual relationship. There have definitely been issues, and the stress of my dealing with my past almost broke the marriage apart about six months ago. But we kept working on it and I think we are stronger and more honest than ever now. So it is definitely possible.
As far as dating and disclosing your abuse, that's not anything you need to rush to do. You want the young lady to get to know you, not see you as just an abuse survivor. That doesn't mean hide or be ashamed of it, but don't feel like you have to frontload the relationship with that information.

Those are my thoughts anyways. Of course, everyone is different. Be well.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#438636 - 06/19/13 08:16 AM Re: Hello, and some questions [Re: pnutbttrjlly]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1469
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: pnutbttrjlly
1 - Has anybody been shunned by a friend when you discussed your story with them? And how did you salvage the relationship or not? (I'm also anxious, because he may not have even read it yet.)
Yes, sadly it happens quite often, many people just can't deal with it
Originally Posted By: pnutbttrjlly
2 - Does anyone else have identity confusion from their experiences? What were these outcomes?
A big YES here. But I have decided that my makeup is primarily hetero, and thats how I have chosen to live.
Originally Posted By: pnutbttrjlly
3 - Has anybody had a healthy heterosexual relationship following their abuse, or what struggles have you had to deal with or overcome in the relationships?
Its a work in progress, not yet what i would call "Healthy" but seems to be heading in that direction. Fear of intimacy and being vulnerable are probably my biggest struggles.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#438696 - 06/19/13 11:58 PM Re: Hello, and some questions [Re: pnutbttrjlly]
pnutbttrjlly Offline


Registered: 06/18/13
Posts: 3
A quick update: I received a reply from my friend who I wrote and shared my lengthy and descriptive story with. He took it much better than I thought he would. However, he is a guy who does not talk emotions, except in writing. He has never been one to comment when I say how I feel, so I'm not sure if he is one to talk to about this. But he concluded from my story, that I need to start dating and experimenting with my identity. And he is right. I don't believe I have been too damaged because it was my only sexual experience, and I didn't like what was happening, and was old enough to know. Now I have the power to say so, and be in control of what I want.

Thanks everyone for your warm intros, and please keep stories and thoughts coming - I learn from others by asking questions and hearing answers and stories.

Good night!

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#438910 - 06/22/13 07:56 PM Re: Hello, and some questions [Re: pnutbttrjlly]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
I think you are making some good progress here, and I understand that at times we all feel "damaged" in some way, or "broken", but in time we learn to recognise those feelings for what they really are.

Originally Posted By: pnutbttrjlly
Things I have realized:
-I was 18 when it happened, instead of being a young child - so I feel it has not had as much of an impact on me as it would have a developing child.


If I have read correctly I believe the quote above is referring to the issue of sexuality being affected? (your later post talks about you not being damaged as much because you didn't like what was happening- which makes me draw this conclusion, as well as your questions about sexual identity and confusion).

Originally Posted By: pnutbttrjlly
I don't believe I have been too damaged because it was my only sexual experience, and I didn't like what was happening, and was old enough to know. Now I have the power to say so, and be in control of what I want.


I would add that there has been much debate on these forums on how being abused may affect sexuality, but as somebody who was abused as a young child I can say I don't believe it altered my sexuality, so age isn't the pure issue. That's really a discussion for the old thread that must still be around here somewhere.

In another respect, i think you have to be careful not to belittle your experiences. Many people were abused at different ages on these forums, and being abused at 18 can have just as much impact on a person as being abused at any other age. Infact, I understand that you may have increased feelings of shame if you think you should have been able to do something about it or felt more complicit in the act due to your age. If you do feel it hasn't had the impact on you that it could have then that is great. But make sure you are being honest with yourself, because sweeping the feelings under the carpet as you know doesn't help.

Lewis
_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#439328 - 06/27/13 02:19 AM . [Re: pnutbttrjlly]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#439948 - 07/03/13 06:39 PM Re: Hello, and some questions [Re: pnutbttrjlly]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
Welcome to the site pnutbttrjlly. My best friend dumped me when he found out I was in T, and did not even know why. Not much of a best friend as it turns out. So I understand you there.

Relationships and trust are things I'm working on but we can make progress. I've made a lot since I've been here, so I know it's possible. We all have different experiences but even in that, people here understand mixed feelings and different stories as we are all working on getting past the hurt.

I am sure you will meet people here that can connect with you and help you along toward the healing process, so again welcome to the site Brother.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#440005 - 07/04/13 02:59 AM Re: Hello, and some questions [Re: pnutbttrjlly]
TW16 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 06/11/09
Posts: 157
Loc: Utah
In regards to your first question about being shunned by someone after sharing your story, I am,actually going through that myself. About a month ago I told a friend a little bit of my story. I was even general too and didn't go into much graphic detail either, and ever since then he has shunned me. It seems be doesn't even acknowledge me anymore. I would like to approach him about this, but I am not sure how to. I guess I am also looking for advice on this matter as well.

TW16

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