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#439272 - 06/26/13 02:22 PM Survivor input please: Lying
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
How do you stop? My H therapist says just "stop." Is that all there is. Do you do something internally when you feel stressed (if that is your trigger for lying). What if a lie is your default so no stress needed? I don't understand it at all so input would be great, particularly from those of you who struggle with it and those who have overcome it.
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Wife of a survivor

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#439289 - 06/26/13 06:22 PM Re: Survivor input please: Lying [Re: GoodHope]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Lying can be a impulsive defensive reaction to trauma. When accosted or even prompted, a survivor wants to placate the person asking in the best possible way, a perfect way. Reasoning is not included in this reaction, it is impulsive. The survivor needed to have a perfect reality, so he created one. As he gets older, that reality is supported by and bolstered with additional embellishments, the boy/ball/window/ turns into man/friends/drinking, and neither can be told or he will be abused, so he resorts to a version of the truth, or even the complete opposite. The part of the personality that creates that reality is different from that part that defends him, thus the inconsistency.

He cannot stop because he is told to, he needs to find relief for his composite personality maturing, then he will realize he does not need to create this alternate world and will come to feel that this world is not the one he wants, but he wants the real life.

Yes, I have had this problem, yes I have overcome it. I went through being fierce for the truth of a matter, now the process is about letting go, letting those around me be themselves, I can discern the truth of a matter without feeling injustice or unfairness.

Sam
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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#439300 - 06/26/13 07:09 PM Re: Survivor input please: Lying [Re: GoodHope]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 761
Loc: michigan
I have found lying to be a major issue in my life too. we become so practiced at it from early on in life. it is a way to deflect, to protect ourselves and our coping mechanisms it even can make our world seem more normal. it is still an issue in my life because it is entwined in all the other coping skills and it seems they come down a little at a time all together. it takes a huge commitment to make it happen at all because the feelings of weakness and vulnerability are enormous. hope that helps
Jeff
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Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#439318 - 06/26/13 11:20 PM Re: Survivor input please: Lying [Re: GoodHope]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
I was a terrible liar, I started by being honest in therapy first, got rid of all the secrets, then I made a commitment that if I lied I would go back and tell the truth; mostly to the person I had lied to, if that was difficult I talked about it in therapy. Part of it for me was the lying from an abusive childhood and not being believed about the abuse, having to cover the truth about my family. It was also a self-esteem issue; I did not want anyone to see me as I really was so I would lie to make myself look better/more interesting. It was not actually a hard habit to break once I faced up to it. I think any habit that is deeply ingrained won’t just stop but it was for me one of the easiest things to change.

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