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#439264 - 06/26/13 01:17 PM Sex and Love. ***Triggers***
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Iowa, USA
Warning triggers ahead. I had a dramatic revelation over the weekend. All my sexual experiences and encounters have been episodes of intense pleasure enmeshed with severe hurt and pain. Never have I had a truly enjoyable sexual encounter. At its best, sex should be a demonstration of mutual love and respect between two (or more) people. Even when it fails to do that , it should be an act where the people consent to the encounter and freely participate.

Never have I had that, all my sexual encounters are shrouded in shame, embarrassment and pain. In my earliest abuse cases, I was, first of all, too young to give consent, and second, physically restrained, while the perp did his thing. Even as a teenager, I was again forceably restrained while being abused. To add further insult, he humiliated me and said I was helpless and powerless to do anything or tell anyone because they wouldn't believe me. In my thirties, I was coerced, threatened with violence and blackmailed into a M2m sexual relationship. He knew he had me. What is difficult to reconcile is the pleasure of the sex act coupled with the powerlessness to escape or the fear of being assaulted if I didn't cooperate. This guy knew what he was doing. He could blow me to the best orgasms. I am embarrassed when I think that I lived in fear of him , but at the same time I looked forward to the sex. I loved the closeness, the feeling of skin on skin, the wonderful things his mouth could do. I hated that I liked it and hated myself for at times seeking it out

Even after the abuse ended, I have continued with seedy and shameful expressions of sexuality. I masturbated in private, always fearful I'd be discovered. What's loving about me, my hand and some videos? Yet I didn't stop. I would masturbate in public places, knowing I could be caught and punished. My worst experience is masturbating in a church confessional. I guess I was exacting revenge on the priest who molested me. I imagine there is a lot of baggage with that and a therapist could have a field day analyzing that.

Even now, I have acted out and there is nothing healthy about that. Answering ads, visiting gloryholes. What is loving and tender about being in a dark and seedy booth? Nothing!

Sex means pain to me. It is plain and simple. i feel if i hurt myself, its easier to take than being hurt by another. Every time I do something like this, I kill off a little bit of my soul. I keep a barrier between me and the world. I keep myself from finding love. After all, who would want someone with my past?

I want something more. I want to be loved and to show love to a woman. I want freedom from these demons. Will I ever get it? I don't know. I don't know the path to take to freedom from all this. I just want love.

Davao

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#439291 - 06/26/13 06:24 PM ! [Re: DavoSwim]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 08:00 PM)

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#439319 - 06/26/13 11:21 PM Re: Sex and Love. ***Triggers*** [Re: DavoSwim]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL

Hi Dave. Like Gary said, you deserve to love and be loved by someone in a healthy relationship. I'd say the fact that you want to love and be loved in a healthy relationship is a start. I wish I had answers for you as how to move towards those things as an ultimate goal but I don't. I don't know how to get past the shame or the discomfort or the dysfunction. I don't even know how to have a sexual relationship with anything that isn't one of the sex toys I keep in a box in my closet. There is no shame, hurt or emotion attached to those.

I wish you luck in your journey to find these things, Dave. I have to think there is some hope. They say where there's a will, there's a way, and you obviously have the will. I only wish I could help to point you the right way. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#439320 - 06/26/13 11:26 PM Re: Sex and Love. ***Triggers*** [Re: DavoSwim]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Iowa, USA
Gary and Ken
Thanks for the words of support. After I posted, I felt vulnerable because I had opened myself up completely to the world. I was afraid I'd be thought of as a freak or a pervert. I appreciate the support and absence of judgement. You give me hope that a better life is possible.

Peace, love and healing to both of you.

DavO

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#439637 - 07/01/13 06:01 AM Re: Sex and Love. ***Triggers*** [Re: DavoSwim]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi DavO,
good to see you sharing your experience with all of us. I'm really sorry to hear about abuse that you went trough.

Unfortunately many of has have had some past with doing shameful things. I can relate a lot with your post and to be honest I came here in first place as result of my searches for answers as I've felt inadequate relating to sharing intimacy with other person and not good enough for being loved.
I've been in therapy since than and many things went for better. For start it is much easier to discuss and disclose some vulnerabilities in way that you did trough your post.
You deserve standing ovation for being so honest.

I'm learning that surviving abuse is leading to isolating lifestyles. Our trust was destroyed many times and taking some risk is in most cases unacceptable many years later even we are in need for some touch and connection.
Such confusion leads to building pressures and occasional eruption of negative feelings activating "unhealthy" coping mechanism. In all that isolation many of us found with similar patterns short escapes from burden into some fantasy worlds. No matter if that world is made from excessive watching porn, having risky sex, having problems with drugs or drinking. The list is endless.
It is difficult to stop such coping mechanisms that have roots deeply in abuse and that have been in place for so long time, but it is possible.

So please don't be hard to yourself. You are doing great by sharing your story with us, just proceed like that further wink

Igor aka Pero
_________________________
My story

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#439660 - 07/01/13 12:18 PM Re: Sex and Love. ***Triggers*** [Re: DavoSwim]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:05 PM)

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#439671 - 07/01/13 02:07 PM Re: Sex and Love. ***Triggers*** [Re: DavoSwim]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
This is so brutally honest, and I can relate to so much of it more than I'd care to admit. I haven't given up hope yet that there are compassionate, caring and genuine women out there with whom I can share and spend the rest of my life. You are a good man, DavO. Keep fighting those demons, and she will come. From what I hear, they come when you least expect it, she could be right around the corner.
_________________________
Husky

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#439733 - 07/01/13 10:08 PM ! [Re: DavoSwim]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 08:09 PM)

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#439738 - 07/01/13 10:42 PM Re: Sex and Love. ***Triggers*** [Re: DavoSwim]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Dear DavO

Your honesty with us is an indicator that you are really ready to participate in an intimate relationship. Since you are looking for a woman who loves you and to whom you can give love, that is the kind of relationship you seek.

Many of us have found it easier to deal with our frustrations with a male to male sexual act, usually or preferably anonymous.

To be available and find a women interested in engaging with us, is difficult. To present myself as available requires that I am out in public, without a safety net, and willing to initiate verbal contact with a woman. Then, going through the process of determining if the interest is mutual is even tougher. However, what I had to accept is that if they are interested, it is up to them to express that. The issue of initiation requires a willingness to put yourself out there. The fact that you still believe you are worthless and unclean (or at least that is how I see me)is not the way you are seen by others. They do not know you yet. Also, you do not have to deserve anything. You are seeking someone who is exploring whether they will give you a gift of their love. If you deserve it, you have "earned" it. Then it is not a gift. Either their response is examine if they want to offer you a gift or not. They will let you know about this as well.

My experiences of self abuse do not require anyone else to participate, though some experiences have been mutual.

There are alternative experiences. The ideal (that they last forever and everyone is happy) may require more effort than either of you make. But the period of infatuation in the early stage of love is well worth the time.

And no one can guarantee how long it will last anyway.

May God Bless you and Keep as you walk the journey to healing.


Edited by genedebs (07/01/13 10:47 PM)

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