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#439243 - 06/26/13 03:45 AM Moral Decay - Seeing Perp. (Mother) Next Week
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 758
Deleted - thanks for the support, guys. I miss these kind of dynamics on MS.


Edited by concerned_husky (08/31/15 10:29 PM)
Edit Reason: Reducing ties with MS.
_________________________
"It is sad to see a young man's fondest hopes and dreams shattered when the rose-colored veil is plucked away and he sees the actions and feelings of men for what they are. But he still has the hope of replacing his old illusions with others, just as fleeting, but also just as sweet." - Lermontov

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#439245 - 06/26/13 04:23 AM Re: Moral Decay and Keeping in Touch with Perp. [Re: concerned_husky]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1031
Loc: michigan
hey husky
first of all man ... just breathe long cleansing breaths. you have made it to where you are and you can make it man. lying is such a common coping mechanism not to take away from the issue I understand your feeling lost in that. still we as survivors have such a hard time with our identity anyway. it will take some hard work to break that habit and unfortunately some feelings maybe hurt. but you are a MAN now not the little boy who was the victim. you have the authority and the ability to say no/yes whatever the situation calls for. it is not impossible to do that without fracturing the relationship. though twisted she can learn to accept your boundaries. It will probably be tough man but you can make it.
Jeff
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#439247 - 06/26/13 07:51 AM Re: Moral Decay and Keeping in Touch with Perp. [Re: concerned_husky]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 926
Loc: New York
Perps have no privileges. I don't think it even counts as a lie if you lie to them because they aren't entitled to your true self. If what you need from your mother is money, then mime your kabuki dance to make her pay up like a good mark and deny her your true self that she hurt so badly.

Just try to keep the lying "situational" - don't let it become a way of life.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#439256 - 06/26/13 10:07 AM Re: Moral Decay and Keeping in Touch with Perp. [Re: concerned_husky]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:52 PM)

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#439262 - 06/26/13 11:45 AM Re: Moral Decay and Keeping in Touch with Perp. [Re: concerned_husky]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
Husky,

I've cut off communication with them since last year. I would do and agree to whatever they said. I would lie to myself in order to protect them. I cared for them more than I cared for myself. It happened in just one minute. The minute I decided to break free and run away from them, from my family, from my country.

To this day I feel guilty for disobeying, for make them worry. I don't reply to emails, I don't accept their economical support anymore although I did before. I needed it badly before. Sometimes I feel guilty about that too, but you know, as the tittle of this website says, we were surviving. Whatever it takes to survive. I'm sure things will improve for you and someday you will be free from them, whether that means seeing them without guilt or not seeing them at all.

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#439293 - 06/26/13 06:31 PM Re: Moral Decay and Keeping in Touch with Perp. [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 758
.


Edited by concerned_husky (08/31/15 10:25 PM)
Edit Reason: Reducing ties with MS.
_________________________
"It is sad to see a young man's fondest hopes and dreams shattered when the rose-colored veil is plucked away and he sees the actions and feelings of men for what they are. But he still has the hope of replacing his old illusions with others, just as fleeting, but also just as sweet." - Lermontov

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#439299 - 06/26/13 07:03 PM Re: Moral Decay and Keeping in Touch with Perp. [Re: concerned_husky]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 459
Loc: NY
Husky:

Your post is one of those that I will remember. The question of moral decay seems to be at the heart of so many conversations about the confusing nature of relationships that have become destructively out of balance in a family. Many times it seemed like some kind of moral decay had to be behind the life my parents created for the family they were raising. In the end, it was simply a choice they made. For my own reasons, I am not making those choices today.

One of my big regrets is that my standards had to be lowered when they didn't need to. Because I could not face what had actually happened, I assumed that some moral decay was necessary in life and this led me into getting involved with kinds of people who ultimately I could not respect. It has taken me a long time to see where I picked up the attitudes that led me to do this.

Your questioning here about the moral nature of a relationship to oneself and others seems to be a form of self-love. To ask the question of what standards you want to live by is a way to feel and understand yourself.

When misperceptions build up between two people, they can in their own way constitute a lie. When we feel misunderstood and unable to show who we truly are, it can seem impossible to rid oneself of the habitual experience of feeling like life is a lie around a certain person. And when that person is our mother, it can seem not only impossible but wrong to try and undo the lie.

In order to make relationships clear by improving boundaries, lying is sometimes necessary. This may be because boundaries have been crossed for so long that the feeling of living the lie is ingrained. With new space within a relationship, it can become possible to perceive the pattern of how things got messed up in the first place. This is very valuable information. It may help reveal unconscious dynamics that led to the chronic forms of abuse that you have described. In this way, choosing to lie with the intention of undoing bigger lies seems like a stronger moral choice.

I have had to make this choice with both parents at times. When things improved later on, I was able to slowly establish greater trust and let the smaller lies fade into the past. Integrity is ultimately cultivated by you and only you, not by a parent who attempts to convince you that you are someone only they want to see.

Although financial help can seem like an invitation to revert to old patterns, this may not necessarily be true. My mother (and perp) has been willing to pay for some of my therapy. Although we haven't explicitly talked about the connection of my pain to any mistakes on her part, the journey to some kind of healing for both of us has been understood.

Best of luck with your visit and your new direction.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#439395 - 06/27/13 07:37 PM Re: Moral Decay - Seeing Perp. (Mother) Next Week [Re: focusedbody]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 758
.


Edited by concerned_husky (08/31/15 10:25 PM)
Edit Reason: Reducing ties with MS.
_________________________
"It is sad to see a young man's fondest hopes and dreams shattered when the rose-colored veil is plucked away and he sees the actions and feelings of men for what they are. But he still has the hope of replacing his old illusions with others, just as fleeting, but also just as sweet." - Lermontov

Top
#440042 - 07/04/13 10:12 AM Re: Moral Decay - Seeing Perp. (Mother) Next Week [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 758
.


Edited by concerned_husky (08/31/15 10:26 PM)
Edit Reason: Reducing ties with MS.
_________________________
"It is sad to see a young man's fondest hopes and dreams shattered when the rose-colored veil is plucked away and he sees the actions and feelings of men for what they are. But he still has the hope of replacing his old illusions with others, just as fleeting, but also just as sweet." - Lermontov

Top
#440044 - 07/04/13 10:35 AM Re: Moral Decay - Seeing Perp. (Mother) Next Week [Re: concerned_husky]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3739
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on Husky,
I know that is difficult for you at the moment, you are not alone frown
If you'll have some energy left please read this article and try to catch those deep and hurtful feelings whose impacts you are sensing this moment (it is that feeling of mounting pressure inside that drives us to some "problematic" behaviors):
http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer2.html

No matter on all difficulties, this is good opportunity to learn more about self and coping mechanism that has developed over the years while your borders were shattered.
In my case such mechanism is always on when some my internal process start running when triggered forcing me to escape from reality.
Keep fighting!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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