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#439243 - 06/26/13 03:45 AM Moral Decay - Seeing Perp. (Mother) Next Week
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
Is anybody in contact with their perpetrator?

To put it short, my mother is my perpetrator...I'm trying to pursue a career in music, and the best way I can see that happening is focusing myself solely on music and not having to worry about jobs or income. My parents are willing to support me in this aspect (after years of rebellion on my part), but the downside is I still keep in contact with them and I still depend on them. Hopefully the hours of practice I put in bears fruit in the end, and the suffering and endurance will pay off, but for the time being this is where I'm at. My dad told me she's flying in to visit me next week.

I just realized something very recently and I wanted to share it with you guys. I think the reason it's been so tough lately is that communicating with her flips my moral code completely upside down. I hope it's not a sign of moral decay, but when I deal with her, I'm starting to feel less and less guilty about doing 'wrong' things. I lie to her. I agree with her when I disagree. I promise her things I have no intention of fulfilling, or have absolutely no desire to do. I pretend to do things when my heart's not into it. Though the sexual/physical abuse has stopped, the emotional abuse still goes on and on. The toughest thing for me at the moment is just maintaining my self and my identity, and not regressing back to the mind of a teenager...it's hard sometimes to keep in mind who you are when you're so busy trying to not become someone somebody else is forcing you to be...I'm just wondering though, the rules don't apply to her, do they? Am I justified in bending my morality? I lie because the truth can be used against me. I pretend and make false promises to avoid the onslaught of mind-fucking coercion, guilt-tripping ("because I'm your mother" is a favorite one of hers), rhetorical questioning, re-framing and God knows whatever other technique she's learnt from her manual.

Every time I talk to her, it's like death has swept over and extinguished the last bit of fire that was burning in my heart. It takes a while to jump-start it again, but how many more times it'll ignite I'm not sure.


Edited by concerned_husky (06/27/13 07:41 PM)
Edit Reason: Changed post subject
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Husky

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#439245 - 06/26/13 04:23 AM Re: Moral Decay and Keeping in Touch with Perp. [Re: concerned_husky]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 749
Loc: michigan
hey husky
first of all man ... just breathe long cleansing breaths. you have made it to where you are and you can make it man. lying is such a common coping mechanism not to take away from the issue I understand your feeling lost in that. still we as survivors have such a hard time with our identity anyway. it will take some hard work to break that habit and unfortunately some feelings maybe hurt. but you are a MAN now not the little boy who was the victim. you have the authority and the ability to say no/yes whatever the situation calls for. it is not impossible to do that without fracturing the relationship. though twisted she can learn to accept your boundaries. It will probably be tough man but you can make it.
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#439247 - 06/26/13 07:51 AM Re: Moral Decay and Keeping in Touch with Perp. [Re: concerned_husky]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Perps have no privileges. I don't think it even counts as a lie if you lie to them because they aren't entitled to your true self. If what you need from your mother is money, then mime your kabuki dance to make her pay up like a good mark and deny her your true self that she hurt so badly.

Just try to keep the lying "situational" - don't let it become a way of life.
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My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#439256 - 06/26/13 10:07 AM Re: Moral Decay and Keeping in Touch with Perp. [Re: concerned_husky]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:52 PM)

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#439262 - 06/26/13 11:45 AM Re: Moral Decay and Keeping in Touch with Perp. [Re: concerned_husky]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
Husky,

I've cut off communication with them since last year. I would do and agree to whatever they said. I would lie to myself in order to protect them. I cared for them more than I cared for myself. It happened in just one minute. The minute I decided to break free and run away from them, from my family, from my country.

To this day I feel guilty for disobeying, for make them worry. I don't reply to emails, I don't accept their economical support anymore although I did before. I needed it badly before. Sometimes I feel guilty about that too, but you know, as the tittle of this website says, we were surviving. Whatever it takes to survive. I'm sure things will improve for you and someday you will be free from them, whether that means seeing them without guilt or not seeing them at all.

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#439293 - 06/26/13 06:31 PM Re: Moral Decay and Keeping in Touch with Perp. [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
Thanks guys. As always your comments really put things into perspective and help me think these things through. I'm very conscious of it becoming "a way of life" as you said Matt - I'm determined not to let that happen, especially with my close friends. It's also very encouraging to know that you guys have been through the same thing and have managed to distance yourself from them emotionally, if not physically.

She's coming next week. My dad insists she stays in my apartment to save costs but I don't think I'll be able to give the green light for that. Especially for four days. I'd be lucky to get out sane, if not alive, after it. I'm dreading it - I may start another thread to get some ideas as to how to proceed when I see her because I really need some advice.
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Husky

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#439299 - 06/26/13 07:03 PM Re: Moral Decay and Keeping in Touch with Perp. [Re: concerned_husky]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 319
Loc: NY
Husky:

Your post is one of those that I will remember. The question of moral decay seems to be at the heart of so many conversations about the confusing nature of relationships that have become destructively out of balance in a family. Many times it seemed like some kind of moral decay had to be behind the life my parents created for the family they were raising. In the end, it was simply a choice they made. For my own reasons, I am not making those choices today.

One of my big regrets is that my standards had to be lowered when they didn't need to. Because I could not face what had actually happened, I assumed that some moral decay was necessary in life and this led me into getting involved with kinds of people who ultimately I could not respect. It has taken me a long time to see where I picked up the attitudes that led me to do this.

Your questioning here about the moral nature of a relationship to oneself and others seems to be a form of self-love. To ask the question of what standards you want to live by is a way to feel and understand yourself.

When misperceptions build up between two people, they can in their own way constitute a lie. When we feel misunderstood and unable to show who we truly are, it can seem impossible to rid oneself of the habitual experience of feeling like life is a lie around a certain person. And when that person is our mother, it can seem not only impossible but wrong to try and undo the lie.

In order to make relationships clear by improving boundaries, lying is sometimes necessary. This may be because boundaries have been crossed for so long that the feeling of living the lie is ingrained. With new space within a relationship, it can become possible to perceive the pattern of how things got messed up in the first place. This is very valuable information. It may help reveal unconscious dynamics that led to the chronic forms of abuse that you have described. In this way, choosing to lie with the intention of undoing bigger lies seems like a stronger moral choice.

I have had to make this choice with both parents at times. When things improved later on, I was able to slowly establish greater trust and let the smaller lies fade into the past. Integrity is ultimately cultivated by you and only you, not by a parent who attempts to convince you that you are someone only they want to see.

Although financial help can seem like an invitation to revert to old patterns, this may not necessarily be true. My mother (and perp) has been willing to pay for some of my therapy. Although we haven't explicitly talked about the connection of my pain to any mistakes on her part, the journey to some kind of healing for both of us has been understood.

Best of luck with your visit and your new direction.

FB
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Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#439395 - 06/27/13 07:37 PM Re: Moral Decay - Seeing Perp. (Mother) Next Week [Re: focusedbody]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
focusedbody -

Thanks - as always your comments are so insightful and provide new perspectives/things to look at.

I've thought long and hard about this today. I sat down, read all the comments on this thread, and the feedback I got last night from the Healing Circle, and worked out consequences of certain actions. For the time being, I'm going to lock my true self up (at least in front of my parents) and continue on with the act and the lies. I do want to get to where you are at some point - I don't want to lower my standards forever to the point of not being true to myself. True to myself - that's a standard I'd love to uphold. That's something I could be proud of. Ironically, at the moment, hiding my true self is the only way I can protect myself - by acting and lying.

I've reflected on times in the past where I did speak up for myself and let them know what I was doing, and all I remember is intrusion, interference, physical/emotional/verbal abuse, and sabotage. I was lodging at a friend's a few years back; I told them (my parents) that this home provided a better family for me (which was true - I was so welcomed, I felt like a loved, adopted kid...such a nice mom and an awesome kid to whom I felt like a big brother), and I had developed a really strong social network of friends and was enjoying activities like playing soccer and practicing music. Well, a few weeks later, my parents flew in and barged into the house (the address of which I stupidly had given them) practically uninvited, packed up my things in a suitcase and had me fly home. And of course they COULD, because they had the money to control me. They also cancelled a surgery I was supposed to undertake on my finger - they scheduled another surgery back at theirs, which ended up being a complete failure (the "surgeon" didn't even realize there was a fracture in the finger), and the second surgery ended up with me having a metal pin stuck in my finger for the rest of my life. And I want to become a pianist, ha! Anyway, that's a completely different story. I was stuck there at my parents' for another long, long 6 months before I lied again about going off to study a language and fled to Europe. This is one of many, many stories - as if the CSA itself wasn't enough.

So. When my mother visits next week, there won't be a word of CSA, a word of what I really feel or want in life. There's too much at stake if I give them information about my plans, or my feelings and thoughts - it'd be too easy for my mother to blackmail me. I'll be obedient, I'll be grateful, I'll echo their values (status, family, education etc.). I can feel that sensation of getting poisoned already and the migraines. My biggest fear at the moment is simply losing myself in this facade. They say lie long enough and they become truths. I still have my own dreams to chase, my own feelings to express, my own thoughts and beliefs and values to articulate...It feels like I'm getting ready to jump into the water without fully having learnt how to swim. I hope I will stay afloat...I always have, somehow.
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Husky

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#440042 - 07/04/13 10:12 AM Re: Moral Decay - Seeing Perp. (Mother) Next Week [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
It was delayed a week - this flying in tomorrow morning. I may smoke and drink a lot tonight.


Edited by concerned_husky (07/05/13 06:10 PM)
Edit Reason: Rewriting a deleted entry...trying to remember.
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Husky

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#440044 - 07/04/13 10:35 AM Re: Moral Decay - Seeing Perp. (Mother) Next Week [Re: concerned_husky]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on Husky,
I know that is difficult for you at the moment, you are not alone frown
If you'll have some energy left please read this article and try to catch those deep and hurtful feelings whose impacts you are sensing this moment (it is that feeling of mounting pressure inside that drives us to some "problematic" behaviors):
http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer2.html

No matter on all difficulties, this is good opportunity to learn more about self and coping mechanism that has developed over the years while your borders were shattered.
In my case such mechanism is always on when some my internal process start running when triggered forcing me to escape from reality.
Keep fighting!

Pero
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