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#4392 - 08/24/01 03:05 PM looking at little boys
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
for awhile now, everytime i see a little boy between the ages of 2-5 i just cannot stop crying.....i know these were the ages when most of my abuse took place....but just seeing the innocence in their faces just breaks my heart......that those horrible things were happening to me when i was like they are now.....it just makes me feel so helpless and afraid.....not sure if i'm afraid for myself or all the little boys out there that are experiencing now what we went through then.....does anybody else out there have similar experiences with seeing little boys......please let me know if this means i'm making progress in therapy or regression....also, please let me know if these crushing feelings will ever subside....your assistance will be greatly appreciated......michael


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#4393 - 08/24/01 05:04 PM Re: looking at little boys
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
Michaelb, I too cry all the time I see little boys, especially in church when they are holding on to their fathers, as the father walks up to receive Holy Communion. sometime I cry openly, and think "I hope you little boys do not go through what I did." My counselor says when you want to cry, just cry. He says that crying is one of the ways the brain deals with what happened to us. (I think I have that right.) some of my problems are made worse by the brain damage I suffered when I was hit by a NYC subway train. the part of crying is getting worse, and sometimes I don't know what to think. Just this past week I sent an appoogy letter to the priest who said Mass two Sundays ago, when he talked of members of the congreation thinking themself as little children, and doing things little children did. He then went on to say things that affect us as grownups, but I was too messed up thinking me as a little boy again. I'm sending this e-mail to my counselor at the Rape Center here in Nashville, and I'll see him Tuesday when I will ask for his thoughts - ect. what he tells me, I will share with you people. bosishere


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#4394 - 08/25/01 01:14 PM Re: looking at little boys
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
I meant to add that back in July, actually 18 July I posted a similar post on the Gay web page. becuae I am also a survivor of being struck by an NYC subway train back in 1990, my brain is really fucked up. I have damage, amoung of other parts, on the frontal LObe, which is one forehead, and most of the bodies emotions are contraolled there. that being the case I may cry now more that b4 the accident. I did, on that post, get several answers. One has to tell the computer you want to see the gay posts for the last 100 days,and mine comes up. I misspelled the word why. I put on the post whe. I hope this addition has been some help to you. I try to read both the male survivor, and gay survivor pages each day, but that doesn't always happen. You can also e-mail me directly at -- bosishere@yahoo.com -- if you have other questions. bosishere


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#4395 - 08/26/01 11:22 AM Re: looking at little boys
Gadzook Offline
Member

Registered: 12/10/00
Posts: 72
Loc: Papillion, NEBRASKA (USA)
Quote:
Originally posted by michaelb:
for awhile now, everytime i see a little boy between the ages of 2-5 i just cannot stop crying.....i know these were the ages when most of my abuse took place....but just seeing the innocence in their faces just breaks my heart......that those horrible things were happening to me when i was like they are now.....it just makes me feel so helpless and afraid.....not sure if i'm afraid for myself or all the little boys out there that are experiencing now what we went through then.....does anybody else out there have similar experiences with seeing little boys......please let me know if this means i'm making progress in therapy or regression....also, please let me know if these crushing feelings will ever subside....your assistance will be greatly appreciated......michael

****************
That innocence is what was stolen from us all. I have to say I look at people and look into their faces and wonder if some of them have been through anything like myself. I look at the children and I pray they are living healthy and fun loving normal lives.
I hope they are having carefree childhoods and they are getting the chance to be what they should be and what I did not get to be and that is "kids"!
It does bring a sigh to my heart when I see them having fun. In some ways I tend to be a bit envious. In other ways I have to be thankful that it was me and not them. In some strange way that just makes me feel a ton better. I could not imagine anyone else going through what I went through. At least I know that I am strong enough to survive.
gadzook




_________________________
~Gadzook

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#4396 - 08/28/01 10:19 AM Re: looking at little boys
thunderbolt Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 119
Loc: mi
as a protecter, many times i have seem in their eyes and lingo the trases of abuse, as did we the hiding is a survivle trait that some of us come to terms with later in life, the real threat, that was given to trip this wire has become small in our lifes to the point that they can now see the truth, how the fuck did this happen is the next indeaver the twisted mind tries to unfold, like the computer, you only get clearance when the mind backs the code, bingo password, trip and fall all over the new infromation, freak out, and thanks for the shit life i didnt know i have, please god i think that was my number get me the fuck outa here!!!!!!!........ sounds "normal" to me......


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