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#438722 - 06/20/13 12:07 PM A Simple Kiss on the Neck - Trigger Warning
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 151
Loc: Chicago
This may have some triggering undertones. I will be generic as possible.

If you have read my intro, I was abused by my ex brother in law for seven months. He basically fondled me during that period and forced me to touch him. It never went any further than that; I was lucky.

I have complete memory of each episode. Sometimes I wish I didn't. However, I really don't think about him, the activities or my life during those seven months. Time in one way has healed me.

The one episode that stands out for me is the last time he touched me. I was with my family at my sister's condo. I was in the den watching television. He came in, shut the door and joined me on the couch. I knew where this was going. I quickly went to the opposite side of the couch. He moved closer and attempted to touch me. I tried to struggle and almost went into a fetal position to fend him off me. Then he did something to me that he never did before--he kissed my neck.

I was so shocked. I quickly pulled away from him and gave him a pure look of shock.

"What, what?" he replied. He didn't know what he did.

"You kissed my neck!" I responded.

"No, I didn't," he retorted.

Nevertheless, I felt his lips touch my neck. For seven months I tried to rationalize it. I tried to control the situation. I knew that once it continued, it would still continue. However, I truly thought I had the strength to stop him or convince him to stop.

With that simple kiss on the neck, it woke me up from my denial. I knew that if I didn't tell my family, the abuse would progress and get worse. A few weeks later, I told my parents. The abuse stopped; I never saw him again. I'm amazed at how a simple pair of lips helped empower me to tell my family. I did think I can put a stop to it. I wasn't wrong, I just needed the help of my immediate family.

Now I turned 40 in May. I feel that I have a new set of lips waking me up and empowering me to be a better version of myself. I feel a little antsy, like I want to do more with my life. I posted that I have spent less time in the chat and more in the real world. I'm doing more activities, and I'm trying to figure out the second half of my life.

Yesterday, someone asked me what was my next stage of recovery. I gave a generic answer, but to be honest . . . I don't really know. However, this time . . . I don't really care. Wherever the fates take me, I'll just go with it. Now is the time to be happy and focus on a new pair of lips touching me in a more positive way . . .

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#439199 - 06/25/13 05:45 PM Re: A Simple Kiss on the Neck - Trigger Warning [Re: CafeMan]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 375
Loc: NY
Cafe Man:

What is so powerful for me is the simplicity with which you relate the incident. For me, these simple actions have gotten obscured over many years. My mind has frequently and continously attempted to slow down reality, just so I can see the action coming. What difference that has made is hard to say. I became the passive, slow one in the family as a result of this habitual form of vigilance.

I love also the hope for something else. This leap has been difficult for me to take. My mother unfortunately was the kisser on my neck for years. She never quite got the message that it wasn't right and we have remained fused by those perennial lips upon my throat. For me to step outside of it, in making my own life, my own family, is a massive undertaking that involves my whole being.

But it is an undertaking that can also summon my resources in a way that reminds me of someone I knew I was, yet could never be. Someone it's kinda fun to meet.

Enjoy your conscious journey into the unknown.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#439225 - 06/25/13 11:43 PM Re: A Simple Kiss on the Neck - Trigger Warning [Re: CafeMan]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
Loc: The ATL

Hi Cafeman. I'm so glad to hear that you stood up to this jerk, called him out on his behavior, and told on him. You should be proud of yourself and everyone here should be proud of you. Like you, I am quite certain if you hadn't done those things, he would have seen it as a green light to eventually go further with the abuse and it would have gotten worse. He would have taken it as "consent". That's how people like your ex brother in law think. That's how twisted and deluded they tend to be. Thank God you made it stop when you did. Good luck in your recovery going forward. Peace,

Ken

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#439314 - 06/26/13 10:10 PM Re: A Simple Kiss on the Neck - Trigger Warning [Re: CafeMan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3520
Loc: somewhere in Africa
TRIGGERS, too.

Cafeman -

good story. and the best part is your determination to see the original event transformed from a trigger into a positive and healing experience by seeing it and feeling it in a new and healthy way.

i can tell you from my own history that this is possible.

one of my worst previous triggers was being touched through my undershorts. that was because the early episodes of molestation often involved being fondled through my underwear. it would then progress to more intimate stuff from there. but the initial touches while i still had my shorts on were what were the most disturbing and most arousing for some reason.

once i was married, i had a terrible time with the feelings that returned when this scenario would be repeated. i did not have the conscious memory to make sense of the trigger - but it made me feel very repulsed from the situation, yet very excited - and because of the conflict of those two feelings - very self-loathing.

now - understanding what caused the trigger - and with a lot of work and the help of a good therapist and an understanding and patient wife - i have gotten over the trigger - and actually love the sensation of being felt up by her through my clothes. the memories have lost their power over me.

all the best to you as you seek that good and positive and transforming kiss on the neck!
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#439380 - 06/27/13 05:30 PM Re: A Simple Kiss on the Neck - Trigger Warning [Re: traveler]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 151
Loc: Chicago
Thank you, gentlemen. I appreciate the comments.

It's funny, I try to remain positive and full of hope. I do have these qualities to a certain degree. However, I admit it has been difficult lately. I don't know why, but it is.

I will move forward, I will strive for normalcy, I will just try to be the best I can be . . . whatever that is.

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