I'm doing my 9th step amends to myself in alanon. It's a 110% effort.
My sponsor has encouraged me to look at the words I use to describe myself to others (and to myself). He's also been trying to steer conversations away from my being depressed and talking about how hard my life has been. Something in my gut told me that while this seems counter productive and counter intuitive, I went with it anyway, just to see what would happen.
Feels like something is shifting in me. And I'm coming to see that perhaps I was trained to sit on the pity pot and trained to seek pity from others, and trained to scream out of self pity. THANKS MOM!
Perhaps it was the only way I could get my mom to pay attention to me (by acting sick). Otherwise, she ignored me. She groomed me to be an angry victim in my own life because it was the only way I could get her neglectful narcisistic ass to pay any attention to me, and i mistook it for 'love'.
Ugh. So I've spent the last few months basically pretending with just about everyone I know that everything is fine and dandy while suffering immensely inside.
Something's changed this past week or so. It almost feels like a certain freedom of mind now that I've 'kicked the habit'. I don't want to wallow in pain, and I want to find the quickest way out. And hey! There IS a way out! I just have to do the footwork that I have to do (eat right, meditate, laugh, do something I enjoy, and socialize), and I'm pulling myself out of the quagmire. Not having said a WORD to anyone about how hard it's been or how depressed I've been. Except, I've been taking the occasional shit on the shiny floor here at MS. Sorry about that.
During this time, I've also stopped going to alanon meetings. Tired of being surrounded by people talking about THEIR problems, and how horrible my problems are compared to theirs.
The truth is, yes, I do have problems, and I do have dysfunctions, but I've proved myself capable at this age of 41 that I'm able to learn and grow and eventually conquer my problems ON MY OWN.
Is anyone else familiar with what I'm talking about? Not being addicted to pain itself (I'm not), but addicted to telling OTHERS about your pain? As if talking to someone else would get some sort of connection of empathy or sympathy or even pity?
Edited by Magellan (06/25/13 03:10 PM)
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.
Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM