Newest Members
DT, kk90, Austintexan, Cancan, LS
12257 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
ByondClosedDoors (41), Dave1425 (32), DeafDavid (23), LowSky (57)
Who's Online
7 registered (Tarobuns108, Mike26, Obi, 4 invisible), 23 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12257 Members
73 Forums
63124 Topics
441421 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#439175 - 06/25/13 11:06 AM Addicted to talking to others about woes
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1389
Loc: California
I'm doing my 9th step amends to myself in alanon. It's a 110% effort.

My sponsor has encouraged me to look at the words I use to describe myself to others (and to myself). He's also been trying to steer conversations away from my being depressed and talking about how hard my life has been. Something in my gut told me that while this seems counter productive and counter intuitive, I went with it anyway, just to see what would happen.

Feels like something is shifting in me. And I'm coming to see that perhaps I was trained to sit on the pity pot and trained to seek pity from others, and trained to scream out of self pity. THANKS MOM!

Perhaps it was the only way I could get my mom to pay attention to me (by acting sick). Otherwise, she ignored me. She groomed me to be an angry victim in my own life because it was the only way I could get her neglectful narcisistic ass to pay any attention to me, and i mistook it for 'love'.

Ugh. So I've spent the last few months basically pretending with just about everyone I know that everything is fine and dandy while suffering immensely inside.

Something's changed this past week or so. It almost feels like a certain freedom of mind now that I've 'kicked the habit'. I don't want to wallow in pain, and I want to find the quickest way out. And hey! There IS a way out! I just have to do the footwork that I have to do (eat right, meditate, laugh, do something I enjoy, and socialize), and I'm pulling myself out of the quagmire. Not having said a WORD to anyone about how hard it's been or how depressed I've been. Except, I've been taking the occasional shit on the shiny floor here at MS. Sorry about that.

During this time, I've also stopped going to alanon meetings. Tired of being surrounded by people talking about THEIR problems, and how horrible my problems are compared to theirs.

The truth is, yes, I do have problems, and I do have dysfunctions, but I've proved myself capable at this age of 41 that I'm able to learn and grow and eventually conquer my problems ON MY OWN.

Is anyone else familiar with what I'm talking about? Not being addicted to pain itself (I'm not), but addicted to telling OTHERS about your pain? As if talking to someone else would get some sort of connection of empathy or sympathy or even pity?



Edited by Magellan (06/25/13 03:10 PM)
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#439736 - 07/01/13 10:36 PM Re: Addicted to talking to others about woes [Re: Magellan]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 314
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: Magellan

Is anyone else familiar with what I'm talking about? Not being addicted to pain itself (I'm not), but addicted to telling OTHERS about your pain? As if talking to someone else would get some sort of connection of empathy or sympathy or even pity?


Magellan:

This has been a difficult dynamic for me to handle. Especially with Mom. She has been an inaccurate sharer of pain for many years. That is, giving to much to the idea that we all have to be in some kind of communal grope of pain, as if life were in an eternal encounter group.

Ironically, when I finally started saying no to doing this with her, it slowly became possible for her to hear my real pain. As you say, the constant expectation of empathy and sympathy can be a real drag. When true pain is expressed directly, it requires no solicitation. It is part of who one is, unmistakable and undeniable. And when it is witnessed in this way, I have experienced an ability to move through it.

For what it's worth...

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

Top
#444348 - 08/14/13 11:32 PM Re: Addicted to talking to others about woes [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1389
Loc: California
I've come back to re-read your response, Focusedbody. And my breath is taken away.

Yes - my mom raised me exactly the same way - that we're in a communal grope of pain.

We even made a pact together when I was 12 that we would not commit suicide because we would not abandon each other in this life.

Ugh. UUUUUUGH...
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#444360 - 08/15/13 01:35 AM Re: Addicted to talking to others about woes [Re: Magellan]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1469
Loc: New England
I have been an expert at manipulating others by inspiring pity in them, for myself. I believed that was the only way to get people to care about me. That they would otherwise abandon me. "Poor me, can you believe what I've been through? Don't you feel guilty for not being as messed up as I am?" It worked until it didn't.
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.