So this is hard; I've been trying to write about it for several days. I fly home on Friday and I'm terrified.
For my entire life, my parents have been very supportive and have been very diligent in every respect except protecting me from my perpetrator. I don't hold that failure against them; my abuser was a male only a few years older than I. But there are two things for which I am extremely mad at my father.
My father is prone to asking questions. (I am too.) The day I told my parents about my CSA, my father told me that I'd mentioned something about what was going on in a very off-hand, dismissive, and minimizing way. He, assuming it was a one time thing, told me that it was normal. This makes me mad if only because this was the one time he didn't ask more questions. (I have problems with understanding privacy, which I attribute mostly to the CSA. However, my father's behavior reinforced those problems.) Yet, he made a reasonable mistake - CSA was not on the public radar, people didn't know to ask about it. I am enraged because, in the same conversation, my father told me he was relieved.
My father was relieved that I had not abused someone.
When I was younger, I'd acted out. No, I've never abused anyone. But I had an obsession with sex from a far too early age. I only seemed to make friends with women whom I pursued sexually. The details really aren't important, but suffice it to say, outside of that one conversation, I blame my parents to some extent for not connecting all the dots. (I can't tell if I blame them so much I my psyche won't let my conscious mind confront the pain or if I just don't blame them because I had so many other things going on.)
Even as I write this, I find that I make excuses for them, especially for my father. (Is it my father, really? Or do I shift all the blame to him to avoid becoming angry at my mother?)
The fact of the matter is I am flying home on Friday and the last thing I want to do is see my father. Hell, I'm apprehensive about seeing my mother. I digress.
I am enraged at my father. And I pity him. He believed that his son was a sexual predator - that I was a sexual predator - while the truth is I am a victim.
He spent years of my childhood living vicariously through me and has expressed great pride at ceasing to live that way. Yet his behavior for the rest of my life has demonstrated an inability to stop his vicarious process. As a result, I feel burdened for his emotional wellbeing and bound to him in an unhealthy way. We used to talk several times a week to several times a day. Now, I speak with him barely once or twice a month. It's nearly 5AM. I'm too tired to pretend that I am simply mad at my father. I am enraged at him and I pity him. He wanted me to be his best friend and it cost me my father.
I'm going to see both of my parents in three days time. How do I have a relationship with either of them? How do I even walk through the door of their house, the house in which I was abused? (Yes, my abuse took place in my bedroom in their house, without their knowledge.)
Strength in power is a false victory rooted in vapid grandiosity. Strength in character and integrity is the freedom to act righteously irrespective of the surrounding pressure. True power is the presence of mind to live with character and integrity.