Getting myself over this hurdle. We are badly trained in this culture to value sex unusually highly. Higher than purity or righteousness. Sex and money. Insane culture that made these rapists.
I was an abused child. I split and became two spirits. One male and one female, one expressed and one hidden, both seeking survival and healing and not getting it from those nearest to me. It lasted a long time. I hid same-sex attractions and secret sexual practices. I gorged on pornography and nurtured some co-dependent relationships.
It was through sex addiction recovery that I awakened to my abuse; deep, unfathomable, and heretofore hidden away.
I am sober. Starting the process was as easy as flipping out and crying until I could stop. Continuing the process..
You see, today, lately, I am bored. WTF do people have to go crazy about fucking for? Crazy rapist culture. Why are my weak moments filled with wanting to watch pornography just to *see if I'm broken or not."
Cause listen: the porno-man is broken (is my opinion) and pornography, more often than not, depicts rape of vulnerable women (is also my opinion). It is also some sort of fact that the sort of porno that *sells* (not free online porn) is the stuff that is even more blatantly exploitative, and it sells something like ten to one.
And I want to check my sexual health using this sh^t as a barometer? No thank you. Moment of clarity in a Crazy Rapist Culture.
I guess it's better to say that I am disgusted. I am conflicted about the inner source for my sexual drives. I am not willing to be a vessel for the Rapist culture, as Victim or Perpetrator; and don't know where my "purer" sexual motivations even come from.
(I know the line by the way: don't judge it, just understand it and be consenting with you partner. Learn BDSM, or something! I do NOT want that advice. I need another line, because that one is not working.)
Part of the tangle is that my partner and I were both abused as children and, I think, I am coming to understand where she was while I was still a sex-addict and she was a recovering survivor. Cautious and tepid. Doesn't let the flame burn too hot. Doesn't understand "naughty" in any sort of way.
Ugh. It's not worth it. Some fucking. I don't know that I ever even want to have sex again. How about I just be alright with that, fly in the face of this Stupid Rapist Culture and make love to the whole world with my hands and my heart and love my partner for Themself. Graciously celibate. Any recommendations for Healing Celibacy Practice?
I feel like the whole f*ing topic is a trigger for me. But I don't really want to give up. The internet suggestions just makes me the sort of queasy nauseous and blue-balls feeling that has been the one associated with this type of thinking.
Maybe one day, though, when I'm done being celibate, when I can hate the Stupid Rapist Culture with less than all of my intention; does anyone have a good guide for making love for the traumatized and wounded? I know you can connect to Goddess when coital. Funny sh^t she musta heard. Haha. The lost children like me who she blessed, through "deviant" and "defiant" sexualities. I guess this is the part where you leave it to the Higher Power and let Her carry you.
Perhaps to another whole dimension, where the Stupid Rapist Culture can't sell it's magazines and f*ing one damn human is raised without being a sex-object or treating another like one. Maybe in that Dimension, I could Love with You, Sweet Eternity.
Of all people. I figure we deserve it. Until then I practice my best Unconditional Love and hope for it in return.
Someone just tell me there's another side of the chasm.