Newest Members
MG5555, ShinTensei, jaklumen, Bennett, 0128
12506 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Moriji (44), Nicos (48), weharry1959 (55)
Who's Online
6 registered (I Want 2 Thrive, petercorbett, DaiseyLady, takingitslow, myrlin, 1 invisible), 20 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12506 Members
74 Forums
64205 Topics
448046 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#439118 - 06/24/13 06:47 PM just not in the best mood
nolan79 Offline


Registered: 06/22/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
I am under a great deal of stress, and with it comes anxiety, flashbacks, and depression. Days like this can make you want to give up on everything. Though, I am still to strong to give up, the feeling is still there. My life has been up and down like this for years, but I am grateful for this forum. It helps me to get out all of these thoughts that plague me from the sexual abuse to life in general.

I always look at my life, you know, before the memory of the abuse resurfaced; I was so happy. Life seemed to be going in the direction it was supposed to be. Heck, I had hopes of getting married one day. I still have the hope of getting married, but with the trust issues, fears, flashbacks, and all the heavy load of stuff that comes with the realization of abuse, it will take me forever to finally find a woman who can handle me. I don't like to paint a grim picture of my future, but I can't help but be aware of my current life. Not to mention, the pressure from my mom for some grandkids....lol!! She knows about the abuse, but she thinks of me as very strong. Strong for being able to handle this the way I have, but she just has no idea of the mental torture I go through. I feel like an assistant to myself half the time. I'm constantly reminding myself that the negative thoughts and feelings are related to the abuse. I'm constantly trying to control myself, and organize my thoughts. When I have those fantasies of being with men (mostly as a woman...weird), I put as much energy as possible into replacing that image. Everyday is not like this, but when it comes.......IT COMES! Having those blackouts/flashbacks is very disturbing to me. Who wants to see a beautiful woman, and began to fantasize about her, just to turn your head to see a guy look at you and instantly have a sexual fantasy about him. I know I am describing every situation on this forum, but I can't help but think about how crazy it is. Only if I could cut the years of abuse from my mind. (wishful thinking)
_________________________
Every hidden secret will eventually find light

Top
#439128 - 06/24/13 08:26 PM Re: just not in the best mood [Re: nolan79]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 288
Loc: MO
Nolan 79

Truth is you probably have already tried to cut the memories and "flashbacks" of the CSA from your mind. It probably wasn't successful. Or if it was, more recently it failed.

Just because you have memories or intrusive thoughts of the abuse, stream of conscientiousness about sex with women and men, and symptoms of depression doesn't mean you will not marry. I was married for 25 years, 4 kids etc. etc. My youngest boy, Daniel, is 34.

As you have more time on the healing journey, it will become less
overwhelmed by the intrusive thoughts and hopeless feelings. I wish we had a cure stick we could pass around, but we don't so we have to go through what we have to go through.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Top
#439131 - 06/24/13 08:38 PM Re: just not in the best mood [Re: genedebs]
nolan79 Offline


Registered: 06/22/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
Wouldn't it be great if a cure stick were available! I know it takes time; I just hate the suffering. To make it worse, just like many of us do, I suffer in silence, alone. As a man, you are taught by society, peers, and some parentals, that showing emotions is a sign of weakness. Though, I do not feel that way, it still leaves me alone and unable to express myself to the few male friends I have. So I sit, and pray. Right now, there are no tears, but the pressure behind my eyes is a definite sign that a break down is coming. To be honest with you, I welcome it, I need a release.

Originally Posted By: genedebs
Nolan 79

Truth is you probably have already tried to cut the memories and "flashbacks" of the CSA from your mind. It probably wasn't successful. Or if it was, more recently it failed.

Just because you have memories or intrusive thoughts of the abuse, stream of conscientiousness about sex with women and men, and symptoms of depression doesn't mean you will not marry. I was married for 25 years, 4 kids etc. etc. My youngest boy, Daniel, is 34.

As you have more time on the healing journey, it will become less
overwhelmed by the intrusive thoughts and hopeless feelings. I wish we had a cure stick we could pass around, but we don't so we have to go through what we have to go through.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
_________________________
Every hidden secret will eventually find light

Top
#439137 - 06/24/13 09:09 PM Re: just not in the best mood [Re: nolan79]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 229
Loc: California
Hey Nolan,

Originally Posted By: nolan79
To make it worse, just like many of us do, I suffer in silence, alone.


I know exactly where you are coming from with this. One of the things I always have to remind myself and sometimes drag myself out of, is that we do not have to suffer alone. That is why this site is such a godsend at times. Posting here about your thoughts and feelings is a good way to break the silence. Here you can explore your voice. And then you will hear from others who share your thoughts or have a completely different perspective, both of which are invaluable to helping deal with the affects of the abuse. Then, in combination with therapy and talking to people you trust, you will start to develop many avenues for speaking about it, processing it, and recovering.

Keep speaking your mind and letting out what you may have denied yourself to give voice to for many years.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

Top
#439143 - 06/24/13 10:49 PM Re: just not in the best mood [Re: toddop]
nolan79 Offline


Registered: 06/22/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
Thanks tod. this site is definitely a great stress reliever. every time i post i get a littlw more relief.
_________________________
Every hidden secret will eventually find light

Top
#439226 - 06/25/13 11:47 PM Re: just not in the best mood [Re: nolan79]
Dave PNW Offline


Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 121
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Nolan, I can relate to a lot of what you just said. You said your life seemed so happy before the memory of the abuse surfaced. In my case it was always back there, but I just didn't deal with it. Minimized it. Kept saying it was so long ago, it doesn't matter any more. A string of major life changing stresses at midlife and it roared to the front. I opened the box in October and it has been 8 months of memories, flashbacks, depression, anxiety, confusion interspersed with moments of insight and hope. I have said so many times that I wish I hadn't started this, but I know it really wasn't a choice for me. Coming here has been so important to my recovery process. Reading and doing research. Keeping a journal. Seeing a counselor. Disclosing to my wife. Hard stuff to work through. I get up some days and just don't want to have to deal with this anymore. I know we all do.
The fact that you are here and are able to post your questions and feelings will go a long way toward helping you work through this. If you can't put it into words, its hard to get help. It took me 40 years to do what you are doing.
As far as same sex attraction goes, a lot of us struggle with that as well. Its common among survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Its confusing. But understanding how this can be a side effect of abuse and not necessarily an indication of true orientation helps. Many of us are married or in relationships. Many of us have children. It's possible. Working through this early in life is probably better than suppressing it until later. This has been an excruciating aspect of my recovery. But things are getting clearer and more stable for me.
Nolan you are confronting a painful and traumatic part of your past. Working on recovery will make you a better man in your relationships in your future. Don't give up on that if that is what you want. Hang in there. You are a brave man and doing good work. Take care. Dave

Top
#439229 - 06/26/13 12:06 AM Re: just not in the best mood [Re: nolan79]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
I would suggest that letting your mom feel good about the fact she thinks your " strong" enough d oesn't seem to be getting you at all... as it rarely does.

Consider the fact this is your time know... tool work on you and not making it " easier" on others.

I weighs add that I know many survivors that are in very healthy wonderful relationships... sadly, mostly you only hear the horror stories.

there are plenty of wins... You can do it!
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

Top
#439368 - 06/27/13 03:12 PM Re: just not in the best mood [Re: nolan79]
Elmorya1777 Offline


Registered: 06/27/13
Posts: 4
I can identify with so much of what you are saying. I recently had a "perfect storm" of events and stresses to bring ALL this anger that has been hiding to the forefront. I thought I had fully dealt with my abuse as a young child by an older boy through therapy and acceptance. Then I lost my relationship because I cheated on my girlfriend multiple times. I lost my summer job I was going to make thousands in a business disagreement that I could have avoided. After that I got into an argument with my roommate that got so heated I bloodied my fists on a wooden cabinet. This is no way to be and I am afraid the next time will be worse.

The worst part is, I have accepted it as my past and I know it happened, and I can recall it even discuss it (not the details) with others. But I did not realize how angry I still am. It was like a baseball bat to the head. It's so prominent that I don't know how I will ever let go of it. It is so frustrating and paralyzing to think that.

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.