Ken, you just described me. I wonder often how people who know me would react if they knew how broken I really was. Fearful of rejection, I continue to cruise along making folks laugh and feel at ease while at the same time, I am crumbling inside.
Amen! Exactly. When a part of you is physically broken like my friend's dad's arm, everyone can see that something bad happened to you once. When the damage is to your mind/psyche/soul no one knows just by looking at you at you've been harmed. No one knows what the wounds look like or can fathom how badly they hurt at times. It's a lonely feeling, although in my case, it's probably a good thing no one can see the scars. They are ugly as hell.
I even used the word cancer in an early post- and someone set me straight in a heart beat.
I think I remember you telling me about that. I have family members who have been touched by cancer as well and I wouldn't refer to the disease trivially. However, I more meant cancer in the other sense. For example, when a pro athlete like Terrell Owens has a shitty attitude that is bad for team chemistry, people will often say "He's a cancer in the locker room". That's more what I meant.
That's me... who would want someone so used and so abused and so fucked up? And who would want someone now so fearful of intimacy. Sex is still good until there is an instance of dominance or aggression- which is inevitable while having sex. And then the embarrassment happens (and you know what I mean). I could not tell you the last time I was one of two in which both had "happy endings". I just can't. Thats what the rapes have done to me. They have stolen the pleasure of sex.
Yes, sex was ruined for me a long time ago. I have never really enjoyed even one of the sexual experiences I've had as an adult, or ever for that matter. I get more pleasure out of masturbating or using a sex toy. Much more. Also, when I have had sex as an adult, pretty much the only way it can ever happen at all is if and when the woman involved completely
dominates the experience. I don't mean in an SM/BD kind of way. I just mean that they have to make all the moves, do all the work and completely take control. Basically I have to just sit back and let them molest me. It's the only way I know how. Sorry if that triggers.
Ken, there's so much more that I could point out and say I feel the same way about, but suffice it to say that most of what you feel, I feel myself. I can't trust. Sometimes I wonder if I can feel love. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever love another person on an intimate level again.
I won't. I can't, and I'm done trying. Why even bother? It just doesn't make sense to. I am not exactly a happy person always being alone but I am at least comfortable that way. I don't have to share my life. I don't have to share my bed. I don't have to have someone always wanting to touch me and I don't have to meet anyone's emotional/sexual needs.
That doesn't mean I don't feel love at all. I love my cats. I love my parents, siblings, niece and nephews. I love the few friends I have and I love their kids. I love my favorite teams. I just don't relationship/romance/intimacy love anyone and I don't know how. I don't even really know what that feels like to be honest.
You are so caring and so cool to everyone on this board. Don't ever forget that you have touched me... and I got to see from the top of the lighthouse on Tybee Is... would not have happened because of my fear of heights if not for you!
I appreciate that you would say that. It's hard for me to believe people when they say nice things to me. I always think they are just trying to be nice make me feel better. Still, it does help to hear encouraging words and I appreciate it.
My final words to you on this... NOT A CANCER and who the heck o pete is Happy Time Harry....???? (I almost read the article in the link, but decided against it after the first few lines...lol.... sorry).
Happy Time Harry is a bit-part character in a late night adult cartoon I watch called Aqua Teen Hunger Force. He actually only appears in two episodes. Happy Time Harry is an angry, bitter, Nihilistic, suicidally depressed talking doll who manages to depress and drag down anyone he comes in contact with. He is missing a hand and has a switchblade in it's place that he uses to cut himself with. I freaking love that character! As I've stated before, most people who know me superficially think I'm just some silly-ass goofball but when I'm honest about life, the world and where I see myself in it, I sound just like Happy Time Harry......
This is him dousing himself with gasoline and daring one of the other characters in the show to set him on fire with a blowtorch........
Yeah, that's me! Good ol' Happy Time Harry! Ha ha!
Thanks again Bill and the rest of you for responding and for all of your kind words and insight. I really do appreciate it. Take care. Peace,