Newest Members
SiegmundNYC, TheGreatWhat, MyNameIsPaul, serenity38, vivo
12486 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Can-tex (45), cbchorn (41)
Who's Online
5 registered (Still, traveler, aniceguy, sugarbaby, woodenshoes), 23 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12486 Members
74 Forums
64149 Topics
447606 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#438992 - 06/23/13 06:03 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1144
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: ThisMan
Ken, you just described me. I wonder often how people who know me would react if they knew how broken I really was. Fearful of rejection, I continue to cruise along making folks laugh and feel at ease while at the same time, I am crumbling inside.


Amen! Exactly. When a part of you is physically broken like my friend's dad's arm, everyone can see that something bad happened to you once. When the damage is to your mind/psyche/soul no one knows just by looking at you at you've been harmed. No one knows what the wounds look like or can fathom how badly they hurt at times. It's a lonely feeling, although in my case, it's probably a good thing no one can see the scars. They are ugly as hell.

Originally Posted By: ThisMan
I even used the word cancer in an early post- and someone set me straight in a heart beat.


I think I remember you telling me about that. I have family members who have been touched by cancer as well and I wouldn't refer to the disease trivially. However, I more meant cancer in the other sense. For example, when a pro athlete like Terrell Owens has a shitty attitude that is bad for team chemistry, people will often say "He's a cancer in the locker room". That's more what I meant.

Originally Posted By: ThisMan
That's me... who would want someone so used and so abused and so fucked up? And who would want someone now so fearful of intimacy. Sex is still good until there is an instance of dominance or aggression- which is inevitable while having sex. And then the embarrassment happens (and you know what I mean). I could not tell you the last time I was one of two in which both had "happy endings". I just can't. Thats what the rapes have done to me. They have stolen the pleasure of sex.


Yes, sex was ruined for me a long time ago. I have never really enjoyed even one of the sexual experiences I've had as an adult, or ever for that matter. I get more pleasure out of masturbating or using a sex toy. Much more. Also, when I have had sex as an adult, pretty much the only way it can ever happen at all is if and when the woman involved completely dominates the experience. I don't mean in an SM/BD kind of way. I just mean that they have to make all the moves, do all the work and completely take control. Basically I have to just sit back and let them molest me. It's the only way I know how. Sorry if that triggers.

Originally Posted By: ThisMan
Ken, there's so much more that I could point out and say I feel the same way about, but suffice it to say that most of what you feel, I feel myself. I can't trust. Sometimes I wonder if I can feel love. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever love another person on an intimate level again.


I won't. I can't, and I'm done trying. Why even bother? It just doesn't make sense to. I am not exactly a happy person always being alone but I am at least comfortable that way. I don't have to share my life. I don't have to share my bed. I don't have to have someone always wanting to touch me and I don't have to meet anyone's emotional/sexual needs.

That doesn't mean I don't feel love at all. I love my cats. I love my parents, siblings, niece and nephews. I love the few friends I have and I love their kids. I love my favorite teams. I just don't relationship/romance/intimacy love anyone and I don't know how. I don't even really know what that feels like to be honest.

Originally Posted By: ThisMan
You are so caring and so cool to everyone on this board. Don't ever forget that you have touched me... and I got to see from the top of the lighthouse on Tybee Is... would not have happened because of my fear of heights if not for you!


I appreciate that you would say that. It's hard for me to believe people when they say nice things to me. I always think they are just trying to be nice make me feel better. Still, it does help to hear encouraging words and I appreciate it.

Originally Posted By: ThisMan
My final words to you on this... NOT A CANCER and who the heck o pete is Happy Time Harry....???? (I almost read the article in the link, but decided against it after the first few lines...lol.... sorry).


Happy Time Harry is a bit-part character in a late night adult cartoon I watch called Aqua Teen Hunger Force. He actually only appears in two episodes. Happy Time Harry is an angry, bitter, Nihilistic, suicidally depressed talking doll who manages to depress and drag down anyone he comes in contact with. He is missing a hand and has a switchblade in it's place that he uses to cut himself with. I freaking love that character! As I've stated before, most people who know me superficially think I'm just some silly-ass goofball but when I'm honest about life, the world and where I see myself in it, I sound just like Happy Time Harry......

This is him dousing himself with gasoline and daring one of the other characters in the show to set him on fire with a blowtorch........



Yeah, that's me! Good ol' Happy Time Harry! Ha ha!

Thanks again Bill and the rest of you for responding and for all of your kind words and insight. I really do appreciate it. Take care. Peace,

Ken


Edited by BraveFalcon (06/23/13 06:08 PM)

Top
#439045 - 06/23/13 11:01 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
nolan79 Offline


Registered: 06/22/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
Ken, that analogy just described me better than my mother could ever do. Living with this affected mind is pure torture. I pray for peace everyday, and on the days I get it, I go nuts. Its as if the images, the flashbacks, anxiety, and the irrational fears never take a rest. People see me everyday, and have no idea of the pain or torture I live with. Since finding this site, I have been able to pull a piece of understanding from my pain, and be at home with the fact that someone else is struggling just like me......that i'm not alone. Being alone with this sort of problem is hell.........a secret with that weighs as much as the world itself. I pray you find peace with your situation.
_________________________
Every hidden secret will eventually find light

Top
#439134 - 06/24/13 08:58 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: nolan79]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1144
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: nolan79
Ken, that analogy just described me better than my mother could ever do. Living with this affected mind is pure torture. I pray for peace everyday, and on the days I get it, I go nuts. Its as if the images, the flashbacks, anxiety, and the irrational fears never take a rest. People see me everyday, and have no idea of the pain or torture I live with. Since finding this site, I have been able to pull a piece of understanding from my pain, and be at home with the fact that someone else is struggling just like me......that i'm not alone. Being alone with this sort of problem is hell.........a secret with that weighs as much as the world itself. I pray you find peace with your situation.


Hi Nolan. Thanks. Peace in my situation? Whether or not I've found peace in my situation or could ever find it is a matter of how you define peace. Within my mind there is never complete peace and I don't think there ever will be. Not until I one day take my last breath and all brain function ceases. When it comes to the darkest and most pressing issue I have, the one that torments me the most, in a way I can say I have made peace with it but that's not to say it necessarily torments me any less. I have made peace with the fact that this is the way I am and will always be and I have accepted it as my reality. I have made piece with the stark reality that I am bound to my affliction and that there is no cure. It still hurts like hell though, every single day. Take care. Peace,

Ken

Top
#461508 - 02/25/14 09:44 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1144
Loc: The ATL

Today is my one year anniversary at MS. In commemoration of this, I am bumping two of my old threads on this board that are my favorite. That way, perhaps some of the newer members whom I've gotten to know more recently can take a peek at them.

At first I hated this thread and almost went back and deleted all my posts in it. Now, I actually really like this thread. After re-reading it, I think I managed to express a lot of my deepest, darkest problems here without actually out-right saying what they were. (Still can't really do that here. Not completely anyway.) Hopefully someone who hasn't already can take the time to read some of it, although I don't expect anyone to read the whole thread as it is a lot to read.

Thanks guys for being there for the last year. Peace,

Ken

Top
#461521 - 02/25/14 11:38 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3509
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Ken -
i am not sure that "congratulations" is the right thing to say. nor "glad to have you with us." i guess the best i can come up with is this - your companionship has been a welcome help, support, encouragement and comfort to me and to many others. well done in sticking with us. this is a significant milestone.

wishing you the best possible life - under the circumstances!
- lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#461530 - 02/26/14 01:37 AM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 815
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Ken,

I'm going to say happy anniversary and that I'm glad that you are here. I just finished reading the entire post, and find your clarity and honesty refreshing. Your dark humor makes me laugh, of course not laughing at you, but my own dark humor has helped me keep my head above water. I'll be 65 in June, and am pleased and surprised to still be here and not permanently lost in my own dark labyrinth.

And, anyway, who says that a romantic sexual psychic connection with another human is the ultimate expression of being human. For me, having a romantic sexual psychic connection with myself is the ultimate expression of me being human. I'm still working on all three, but I have made some progress over the years and have recently actually seen a possible ray of hope.

I find your posts very grounding for me. There is an identification with your journey that makes me feel less alone, more a part of a tribe, and gives me a feeling of team spirit.

Thanks,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#461598 - 02/26/14 10:04 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: don64]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1144
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: traveler

i am not sure that "congratulations" is the right thing to say. nor "glad to have you with us." i guess the best i can come up with is this - your companionship has been a welcome help, support, encouragement and comfort to me and to many others. well done in sticking with us. this is a significant milestone


Thank you Lee. Thank you and thank you to everyone who has been there for me over the last year. You guys have a high tolerance for someone who can spew some negativity and I appreciate it.

Originally Posted By: don64
Your dark humor makes me laugh, of course not laughing at you, but my own dark humor has helped me keep my head above water. I'll be 65 in June, and am pleased and surprised to still be here and not permanently lost in my own dark labyrinth.


Thank you Don and thank you for reading. While I hate it that anyone can relate to this stuff, I find solace in that fact that others do. Also, there is nothing wrong with having a dark sense of humor about your own pain from time to time. It's not how everyone deals with these things, but it's how some of us need to, and that's ok. If I hadn't found a way to find some laughter in even the darkest places in my life, I would have blown my fucking brains out a long time ago. Just wired that way is all.

Originally Posted By: don64
I'm still working on all three, but I have made some progress over the years and have recently actually seen a possible ray of hope.


Awesome, Don. Kudos. smile

Originally Posted By: don64
I find your posts very grounding for me. There is an identification with your journey that makes me feel less alone, more a part of a tribe, and gives me a feeling of team spirit.


Thank you. It really is awesome and validating for me to get this kind of feedback and I can't tell you how much it means to me when I do get it. At least that way I know my words are having some impact on someone and I don't start to feel like I'm just blathering on incoherently on here, like Ms. Teen South Carolina in that viral video we all love so much. (This) Although my incoherent blathering would be a lot darker, angrier and more nihilistic than hers was. Also I'm not as pretty. Peace,

Ken

Top
#461612 - 02/26/14 11:15 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Ms. Teen South Carolina certainly did blather. I had forgotten about that little video chuckle. And she is quite pretty, maybe a bit vacant, but rather cute.

I also will say "Happy Anniversary" on your full year as a member on MS. Your insights and comments have shown your wisdom and your struggles and even your humanity. I can only say thank you for helping me so many many times. I hope the year here has helped you as much as it has me.

Thank you for not deleting your original posts from this thread. I had forgotten that I had been so "real" with some really personal thoughts and experiences. Just reading through again reminded me that I am still sort of messed up, even with the progress I have made. Oh, well. Life is life.

Glad you are here, my friend.

bill.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



Top
#461936 - 03/03/14 12:25 AM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 271
Loc: Germany
Hi Ken!

Just read through this whole thread now and I have some thoughts.

There are a number of things you say or seem to believe, which are, however, completely contradicted by how you say them and what you do! For example, you mention continously throughout this thread that your feel like "a cancer", a burden, a Yoko Uno breaking up the band, yet you are a very articulate and insight person who has contributed so much to this online community of survivors!

To me, it is clear that your hurt and pain has left you with an overall pessimistic perspective of yourself and of reality. You seem to highlight the negative- or turn what is simply a reality or a fact- into a negative, when it really doesn't need to be that way. With or without therapy, you deserve to give yourself the credit you deserve as a survivor that despite what you are still working on, you are here, you made it, you are safe, and your presence intrinsically influences others.

You have every right to grieve about the inner-you that was highly damaged by your CSA, but unlike your friend's father's arm, your wounds have the capacity to heal! You can (and have already begun!) to work through the pain and damage caused by your experiences. You just need to focus on the hope around you.

Are you familiar at all with the philosophy of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy
In essence, you accept reality and events as they are and focus on that which can be changed, that being how your perceive your experiences, your present, and your goals towards recovery. Eventually, what is your reality changes because it will encompass the further gains made from your self-improvements. (For example, focusing on sad and negative feelings only releases the same chemicals in your brain which perpetuate these feelings and re-running negative events and thoughts keeps these feelings continuously fresh in your psyche. However, the exact same can be done with positive emotions and thoughts. Finding something that brings your a sense of passion and contentment also perpetuate the positive feelings within you, thus altering your reality to a more positive one.)
You need to understand that your pain and aversion to certain things- like sex as an adult- are normal reactions to abnormal events. You are certainly not alone in your situation and there is nothing shameful or "wrong" about how your feel. However, it is clearly distressing to you and counter-productive to the healthy, post-trauma life that you deserve to live.

Before you set goals to work on and explore new experiences which will change how you interpret your reality (i.e. such as seeking positive, healthy adult sexual experiences), you may need to work on accepting yourself and your right to be here and right to recovery. You also need to accept the legitimacy of your feelings but with the understanding that while these feelings may be current and enduring, they are not permanent and are subject to change and improve over time.

Life is filled with suffering for us all, CSA survivors or otherwise. Your friends are also working on their own wounds and if they were real friends, they would not judge you for yours. Having a supportive network of people around you who will listen to your feelings and experiences and who will make you feel validated and encouraged. You may not be able to afford a therapist, but are there any free, community-run facilitated groups for CSA survivors around you, i.e. similar to AA? The people you will meet there will often become these crucial supports in your recovery.

I would also highly recommend you first read through some books on CSA and survivor recovery if you haven't already done so. They have proven tremendously helpful for many and have given them deep insight and encouragement as they took initiative for their recovery.

You may have been robbed by your abusers, but you owe it to yourself to win back your life and live healthy and happily.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

Top
#461938 - 03/03/14 01:21 AM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3518
Loc: O Kanada
it's happy time.

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.