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#439026 - 06/23/13 09:13 PM my story (as short as I can make it)
nolan79 Offline


Registered: 06/22/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
Hello my name is Nolan, and I am a sexual abuse survivor. It feels really strange saying it, but I know it to be true. It is really hard expressing what I am about to tell you because it happened over a span of years, four at first, and then picked back up briefly into adulthood. Why this happened, I will never know. Some of the scariest parts of this, is my memory. I remember the night it started, his touch, my feelings (confusion and curiosity), my fear, but I have trouble telling the story in chronological order. I know my perp very well because he belonged to my mother (for 10 years), but I now feel that I may have been abused by more than one person. I will only speak of one.

I was only 12 years old the night it happened. I had known my perp/abuser since the age of 8, and up till that point we didn't see eye to eye. I down right despised him. He was an abusive alcoholic that my mother would not kick out, but I wanted to, and I wasn't afraid of him. I remember spending the first few years being very nervous because I never knew what kind of mood he would be in, but because I was my mother's protector, I had to be ready for anything. For me, having to live like this was totally foreign. I came from a very laid back, morally sound family, so violence was unheard of in my psyche. As time went on, the abuser and I came to a mutual understanding, basically, agreeing to disagree. Since my father had not been around for a while, a need grew in me to have one around, so I gave him half a chance. I started going on fishing trips with him and my mom. He taught me how to drive (age 10-11). I just got used to him and his ways, though, I still stayed my mom's protector.

Needless to say, I relaxed myself with him, and thats when things changed. I noticed he started walking around nude when my mom wasn't home. It didn't really bother me because I was slightly curious about his manhood since walking in on him and my mom having sex, and wanted to know what it looked like. Things progressed from there and we started laughing, joking and playing around (like a father and son age 11-12). One day as we laughed and played around he grabbed my wrist and pulled it back to his crotch, and sort of held it there for me to feel his manhood. The action, at the time, puzzled me, but I let it go. Our relationship continued to grow until we were able to talk on a regular basis.

The day it happened was a strange day. We'd been home alone the entire day and I noticed he walked around nude that whole day, which did make me uneasy because he would look at me in odd ways. As night came and everyone started to bed, he came to me and asked me to meet him in the living room that night so we could talk. He said he wanted to talk to me about becoming a man. Being that I was 12, I was up for it. I ended up falling asleep, but he woke me up. I remember him standing over my bed, in his almost see through pajamas, beckoning me to come to the living room. As I sat up, I couldn't help but notice he was bulging down the side of his pj's. I kind of shook the thought and went to our location. I sat in a chair beside our sofa, where he sat. He stood up and the bulge showed itself again, this time, making me a bit uncomfortable. He asked me to sit on the sofa with him, and for some strange reason, I did. He started talking to me about sex, and asked me if I'd ever touched myself, which I had by that time (12 years old). I said no, and he said he would show me how. He pulled himself out of his pj's and began playing with himself. He stopped and asked me to do it for him. I said no, and that I liked girls, but he said that he was trying to teach me something and it was ok. I resisted for a minute, he kept pulling my hand, and I gave in. He pulled me closer, pulled my shirt up, and reached his hands down my pjs. I stopped and told him I like girls, and he says I know you do but its okay because I am teaching you something. After he came, he pushed me back and gave me oral sex. I will admit, it felt very good, but I knew something wasn't right. When it was over, he sat beside me, kissing and fondling me until I was hard again. I got up and went to my room.

I woke up for school the next morning, feeling weird about what had happened to me. Once I got to school, I started feeling dirty. I wanted to scream at my desk. I started looking around, wondering if anyone knew my secret. That day, I sat in silent torture. Once I got home, I went straight to my room and closed the door. Soon as my mom and brother left, he came to my room, and thats how I spent my evenings, almost everyday, from the age of 12 to 16.

I write to you with a numb feeling right now. Most of the time, I can't believe it happened, but other times I flashback to the moment, reliving every aspect. My story is actually much longer than this, but it has been shortened because of the amount of information I remember can be a bit overwhelming. In those years of my abuse, he told me he was in love with me, and about the other women he'd been sleeping with along with a host of other disturbing things. I started to fear him sleeping with my mother, to protect her, I purposefully made myself available to him. (this is where I stop....it gets too painful)

I live with so much now. How I function, I don't know? Sometimes I get so confused in my mind. I look at women and want them, and see men and have thoughts about them. The thoughts about men make me sick sometimes.....like a dirty thought. I have been with a few women, and loved it. I know I am heterosexual, but I don't feel like it sometimes. my story has many chapters that come and go. Some days its like it never happened, then others are a direct reminder. I get mad at myself a lot because I see my abuser on the street, and feel sorry for him. Hope my story helps someone.
_________________________
Every hidden secret will eventually find light

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#439062 - 06/24/13 04:20 AM Re: my story (as short as I can make it) [Re: nolan79]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 741
Loc: michigan
Hi nolan
it is a powerful story man and all that you are feeling are very typical feelings for those of us abused as kids. you have come to a very safe place to talk about those things, to find resources, to just chill with people who understand. I hope you will find a great experience of healing here. feel free to message me if I can help at all.
jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#439063 - 06/24/13 05:32 AM Re: my story (as short as I can make it) [Re: nolan79]
derrick Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/10
Posts: 93
Loc: North Carolina
A Powerful story


I am glad you found us - sorry you qualify
_________________________
My Story http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...5766#Post335766

Alumnai of May 2011 DAHLONEGA (a life changeing event)
Alumnai of October 2010 WOR Hope Springs
Dahlonega

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#439113 - 06/24/13 04:18 PM Re: my story (as short as I can make it) [Re: newground]
nolan79 Offline


Registered: 06/22/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
Thanks Jeff, that means a lot. Today was one of those days that I needed someone to talk with. I will look you up the next time.
_________________________
Every hidden secret will eventually find light

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#439114 - 06/24/13 04:22 PM Re: my story (as short as I can make it) [Re: derrick]
nolan79 Offline


Registered: 06/22/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
The sad part, is that there is so much more to the story. I couldn't finish it because it took too much energy. My story goes all the way back to my elementary years, and into middle school. Abuse and rejection have been the story of my life.
_________________________
Every hidden secret will eventually find light

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#439125 - 06/24/13 08:13 PM Re: my story (as short as I can make it) [Re: nolan79]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 283
Loc: MO
Nolan 79

Welcome I hope you find the safety for support and understanding that I have found here.

Abuse, rejection, trauma, these are the experiences which set us up to have to become survivors.

We all have different stories and we all are just the same. Feel free to message me, or maybe I will meet you in chat.


Edited by genedebs (06/24/13 08:14 PM)

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#439127 - 06/24/13 08:19 PM Re: my story (as short as I can make it) [Re: genedebs]
nolan79 Offline


Registered: 06/22/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
thank you. I hope to see also.
_________________________
Every hidden secret will eventually find light

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#439130 - 06/24/13 08:29 PM Re: my story (as short as I can make it) [Re: nolan79]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 212
Loc: California
Welcome aboard, Nolan. I know it takes a lot of strength and courage to reach out, post your story, and take those first few steps. So I just wanted to give you a high five for taking that step.

There is a lot of information here, and it can feel a bit overwhelming at times. But, there are a lot of great guys on this site that know what you are going through and are there to help as you begin to work on these issues.

Good luck moving forward, and good luck in your recovery.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#439133 - 06/24/13 08:46 PM Re: my story (as short as I can make it) [Re: toddop]
nolan79 Offline


Registered: 06/22/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
Thank You Todd. It does take a lot of courage and strength to tell my story. It gets easier, and harder at the same time. Every time I tell my story, a new memory comes up, which confuses and upsets me. But the release I feel when I tell it, is amazing, so I am glad to tell it. I want the good to outweigh the bad, and so I keep pushing.

Originally Posted By: toddop
Welcome aboard, Nolan. I know it takes a lot of strength and courage to reach out, post your story, and take those first few steps. So I just wanted to give you a high five for taking that step.

There is a lot of information here, and it can feel a bit overwhelming at times. But, there are a lot of great guys on this site that know what you are going through and are there to help as you begin to work on these issues.

Good luck moving forward, and good luck in your recovery.

Todd


_________________________
Every hidden secret will eventually find light

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#439222 - 06/25/13 11:19 PM Re: my story (as short as I can make it) [Re: nolan79]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1269
Nolan -

Your story is deeply affecting. I relate to a lot of it - the age range, the seduction and violation of trust from a trusted mentor (I, too, knew my molester years before he started having sex with me). I relate to the confusion, the hating it yet wanting it at the same time - then just the hating of myself that seemed to be the ultimate product of the two.

Have you seen the movie Slingblade? The dynamics between you and your mother's BF - and the role of protecting her - reminded me strongly of that movie.
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