I am struggling.
And god am i tired of saying that.
I am waking up every morning in tears, with no real explanation of why. About 10 minutes after I wake up the anxiety starts and gets worse and worse until all i can do is lay on the couch with a blanket and wait until my partner gets home. I often feel like Im having a heart attack. When he gets home things calm down a bit but its just other issues to deal with. I cannot eat or sleep well. I am stressed most of the time.
I am absolutely frozen in therapy sessions. I haven't been able to speak in therapy for a couple of weeks now, not even to say hello or something. My therapist is getting frustrated with me and my dr wants to put me on pretty strong medication. I don't want this, I dont think. I just want to be better.
I am dissociating a lot of the day, the time is flying by without me realizing it. sometimes whole days are going by without me knowing it.
I can't even link this to CSA stuff directly. I mean, I can, but its not like I am having flashbacks or thinking about anything CSA related. I am just frozen with this terrible anxiety and dissociation, and i don't know how to get unstuck. I am triggered all day, switchy and heart sick.
i wish i knew how to get out of this place. I haven't always been here, this is most definitely a low in a lifetime of highs and lows. and if its just a matter of waiting it out, maybe I could. But i don't see a light at the end of this tunnel.
Even this post is saying nothing. I have everything on my mind but nothing to say.
Thanks for being here, anyways.
Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight
Got to kick at the darkness 'till it bleeds daylight