I am struggling.
And god am i tired of saying that.
I am waking up every morning in tears, with no real explanation of why. About 10 minutes after I wake up the anxiety starts and gets worse and worse until all i can do is lay on the couch with a blanket and wait until my partner gets home. I often feel like Im having a heart attack. When he gets home things calm down a bit but its just other issues to deal with. I cannot eat or sleep well. I am stressed most of the time.
I am absolutely frozen in therapy sessions. I haven't been able to speak in therapy for a couple of weeks now, not even to say hello or something. My therapist is getting frustrated with me and my dr wants to put me on pretty strong medication. I don't want this, I dont think. I just want to be better.
I am dissociating a lot of the day, the time is flying by without me realizing it. sometimes whole days are going by without me knowing it.
I can't even link this to CSA stuff directly. I mean, I can, but its not like I am having flashbacks or thinking about anything CSA related. I am just frozen with this terrible anxiety and dissociation, and i don't know how to get unstuck. I am triggered all day, switchy and heart sick.
i wish i knew how to get out of this place. I haven't always been here, this is most definitely a low in a lifetime of highs and lows. and if its just a matter of waiting it out, maybe I could. But i don't see a light at the end of this tunnel.
Even this post is saying nothing. I have everything on my mind but nothing to say.
Thanks for being here, anyways.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.