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#439028 - 06/23/13 09:29 PM Will I ever get past these thoughts?
nolan79 Offline


Registered: 06/22/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
I have these sexual thoughts, and urges that aren't me. When they come they bother me so bad. When I see men, mostly those who look good, I want to sleep with them. I mainly want to know what their penis looks like. Sometimes, I imagine myself as a woman, and whoever I am looking at is inside of me. Being a survivor of sexual abuse, I know this can be a problem, but at times, the thoughts are unbearable. I literally have to shake myself out of it. I recently had one day free of those thoughts, and that was the best day ever. I was able to look at women, and have normal sexual fantasies about them and feel good about it. Is there any tricks to slowing this down? I know I need to seek therapy, but money is an object when it comes to my insurance. open to suggestions....i am tired of the images
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#439036 - 06/23/13 10:09 PM Re: Will I ever get past these thoughts? [Re: nolan79]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Hi Nolan,

I wish there was a simple answer for this, but unfortunately you're hitting on an issue that's already mysterious and uncomfortable when it arises in people who DON'T have a CSA background, and is even more painful among those of us who do.

All I can say for sure is.... you are not alone and there are many others here who know the agonizing confusion, the wish for a "single" view instead of both.

I read your intro story. Given how confident you were in your many statements to the perp early on that you were heterosexual, I'd say that's the answer and that you're dealing with the maddening SSA (Same Sex Attraction) that so many other survivors face.

After traumatic and/or unwanted sexual experiences.... after being used and exploited... so much of the psyche is wrapped around imagery and knowledge of sex with men, that it doesn't just go away. It sticks in the mind because sexuality in general is a very powerful motivator and people rarely forget any intense sexual experiences they've had - for better and for worse.

Very often, survivors compulsively rethink or re-imagine their abuse or parts of it as part of the mind's attempt to establish order and control over a situation that was forced upon them. As in, guys who are primarily / meant-to-be straight, having very involved homoerotic fantasies because it is a way of reframing the story such that the survivor is in control: it isn't someone else imposing their sexual demands and desires onto you, it's you setting the pace and deciding "even if sex with men isn't completely my thing, I would want it to happen LIKE THIS" - with the fear gone, the embarassment gone, the confusion gone, the never knowing if it's going to get worse gone, gone, gone. The survivor is in charge. The powerful imagery of sex with men now responds to their own mental direction - they want it to happen according to their own control because the mind craves order and without a sense of control people will always to some extent feel like victims.

It doesn't help that same-sex fantasies are extremely common anyway, probably 90% of people have them and "enjoy" them (if you know what I mean) regardless of their background.

It is very, very good that you know so concretely who you are and what you want. That you've known from the start that you were straight, that you still are, that these feelings "aren't you" and that when they're gone you feel normal, feel better, feel like yourself. That's a very big deal. You know your truth. There are many who don't.

It is not my place to speak specifically for any other man here, so I will just say this: there are lots of other guys here who are straight, primarily straight, or straight-identified, who dealt with this precise issue and were able to work around and minimize it.

Therapy won't "cure" you, but it will help you deal. Try to find any loophole in your coverage that you can; maybe search for a support group nearby, which are often free.

You're not alone and all of your feelings are valid. I'm so sorry for how that man exploited you - preyed on your trust and your very natural and normal male curiosity about other males, especially as you were developing, leaving you with this confusion and pain. You're almost the same age as me.... your story could have been mine.

You've just started and are asking all the right questions. Don't lose hope and don't give up. You know what your real sexuality is - that's a great starting point - and an anchorpoint from which your next stages of healing can be guided. You showed great courage in starting to deal with this and if you stick with this I truly believe you can make progress that gives you more comfort, confidence, and peace in your intimate life.


Matt
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"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#439039 - 06/23/13 10:27 PM Re: Will I ever get past these thoughts? [Re: SoccerStar]
nolan79 Offline


Registered: 06/22/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
thanks for your answer matt. it gets really frustrating at times. ive read about how the mind works with this sort of thing, but it just drives me crazy because it feels like another person is living inside of me and wants to get out. its really scary, especially when you are with friends and you kind of black out. its not like you can tell them what is going on.

as far as my sexuality goes, at that time, i just knew what i wanted in my life, and he wasn't it. i have feelings of homosexuality, but i feel it is more from the abuse. on the occasion that i drink, i have more thoughts about women, so going through this cycle over and over again drives me crazy.

one thing that makes me feel a little better, is that i am not alone with this problem. i just wished i knew someone closer to me to share that with, but that also has its risk. i kind of fear being alone with another male because of the abuse. its like i feel i will revert back to my past and sleep with that person. it sounds crazy, i know, but it is a constant thought.
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#439044 - 06/23/13 10:55 PM Re: Will I ever get past these thoughts? [Re: nolan79]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
It is NOT a crazy thought. You are very vulnerable and it's a good sign that you recognize it.

And again, "knowing what you want" is so very important. While it's not exactly a good thing that you gain more control over your thoughts while drinking, all I can say is... "in vino veritas."
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"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#439047 - 06/23/13 11:05 PM Re: Will I ever get past these thoughts? [Re: SoccerStar]
nolan79 Offline


Registered: 06/22/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
[quote=SoccerStar]It is NOT a crazy thought. You are very vulnerable and it's a good sign that you recognize it.

And again, "knowing what you want" is so very important. While it's not exactly a good thing that you gain more control over your thoughts while drinking, all I can say is... "in vino veritas."

[/q
i dont know what that last part means but i like it...lol
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#439048 - 06/23/13 11:12 PM Re: Will I ever get past these thoughts? [Re: nolan79]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
"In vino veritas" = Latin for "In wine is truth". Basically, what a person says when they're drunk and uninhibited is what they really feel. Hence, your perception of your real sexuality is true.
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"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#439071 - 06/24/13 08:58 AM Re: Will I ever get past these thoughts? [Re: nolan79]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 749
Loc: michigan
hey nolan
I tend to disagree with the idea that drinking would ever improve clarity. there is no doubt that early sexual experiences can cause a lot of identity confusion and same sex attraction. this of itself does not identify us. it is clear that your desires are in conflict and so it would be very helpful to seek a therapist to help you to work through it. I say this as a married man who has struggled with this issue all my life. I have not been willing to address it until this point in my life and I have been very happy in my relationship and have never acted out. that being said it has been so incredibly hard at times it would have been better to have started working on it younger. just thought I would offer a different perspective
Jeff
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Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
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#439129 - 06/24/13 08:27 PM Re: Will I ever get past these thoughts? [Re: newground]
nolan79 Offline


Registered: 06/22/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states

Thank You. I'm not really a drinker in the way that it was presented. I just know, that in my past, depending upon the drink, my feelings for females presents itself in a strong way. Your response is true. I need to seek therapy, but at this time, and in my area, it is not affordable. Where I live, there is no true support for men in any area. This is sad, but true. I would love to be in some sort of support group speaking out my thoughts. Since I can't find such in my area, I am grateful for this forum. To know that there are like minded individuals, who suffered the same loss as myself, gives me hope that one day I will be able to find the peace that I so desperately desire.



Originally Posted By: newground
hey nolan
I tend to disagree with the idea that drinking would ever improve clarity. there is no doubt that early sexual experiences can cause a lot of identity confusion and same sex attraction. this of itself does not identify us. it is clear that your desires are in conflict and so it would be very helpful to seek a therapist to help you to work through it. I say this as a married man who has struggled with this issue all my life. I have not been willing to address it until this point in my life and I have been very happy in my relationship and have never acted out. that being said it has been so incredibly hard at times it would have been better to have started working on it younger. just thought I would offer a different perspective
Jeff
_________________________
Every hidden secret will eventually find light

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#439595 - 06/30/13 03:07 PM Re: Will I ever get past these thoughts? [Re: nolan79]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
This page maybe useful Its about what happens to your brain when you're drunk

Because you use primitive parts of your brain when you are drunk and the parts that influence cognitive decision making are inhibited; you are more likely to act in a more primal animalistic way. People forget that humans are merely domesticed apes and just like dogs; which are domestic wolves; they still have that primordial switch that results them in doing what is classified as obscene thoughts, actions or behaviours. This pretty much explains why a person is more likely to commit a rape when drunk or a physical assault or say something "without thinking".

Everyone has a primal instinct within, but as intelligent creatures; most adults have the ability to CHOSE which part of the brain they will use (hence why people can contain emotion). This ability is generaly lost when under the influence of alcohol and other potent substances.

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