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#438779 - 06/21/13 12:32 AM .
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#438792 - 06/21/13 06:12 AM Re: Whatever [Re: JoeSmith]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
Quote:
this site isn't for those who have had such extreme abuse and suffering, it just isnít. It's really nothing more than an alternate kind of Facebook page for male sex abuse survivors, mostly in their twenties and thirties....

Their Uncle may have grabbed them a few times when they were 14, meanwhile theyíre 28 now and working for some Tech firm or Fortune 500 Company, or they were 15 and seduced by their "hot" 30 yr old female teacher, thatís what it's mainly about on here.


Indeed.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=422150&page=1

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...true#Post349920

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...9658#Post429658

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showprofile&User=11707

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...76030#Post76030

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...1977#Post141977

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...true#Post309202

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8441#Post378441

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8181#Post378181


As for the issue of functionality - a lot of guys end up with the good job because they are compulsively driven to overcompensate and externally prove something, running so far and fast in their disgust and terror that observers might think "golly, what an athlete!" It's the CV equivalent of washing your hands over and over - a person like that isn't glad to have the wettest cleanest hands in the room. And yeah there are other guys here who never got their act together to hold down a career or family, which is being knocked down the opposite path by the same pinball plunger. This site isn't ONLY for the guys who are hypersexually frenzied, it's also for the adult virgins who have never been able to be comfortable with human touch.

A corpse-cart pusher from Treblinka goes on to die decades later a married grandfather. A healthy teenager from a loving home kills herself over a high school breakup. So how much abuse is "meant" for us to survive? Which one of them did it right? If you met them would you tell them your answer?
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#438822 - 06/21/13 12:27 PM Re: Whatever [Re: JoeSmith]
Rambler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 134
Loc: Planet Earth
Greg,

I had many paragraphs written here. I chose to erase them and not post them. I am so glad that you found this site. It saved my life seven years ago and will again now.

I am 49 years old now and I have never been so lonely in my life. I lost my Father who was my best friend last year.

Please filter out the things about this site that do not help you and focus on the things that do.

There is one thing that keeps me going these days and that is:



HOPE

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#438856 - 06/21/13 09:06 PM Re: Whatever [Re: JoeSmith]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
Loc: The ATL
Hello Greg. (And all this time I've been calling you Joe.) Bryan became a very special person to me as well in a very short period of time. I still miss his presence on the board greatly. Unfortunately, his memorial threads have been taken down due to the demands of his family. Although, if you check my post history, I started a thread of my own for Bryan with the header, "Last Sunday". That one is still up. Check it out if you wish.

I'm sorry you've come to feel this way about MS. I understand some of your frustrations but I can't agree with your ultimate conclusions. We are all survivors here and this isn't a competition to see who's abuse and/or trauma was the wrost. We all have our issues or we wouldn't be here.

I also understand why you wouldn't think that anyone who's been severely abused would be able to be highly successful in life but it is possible and many of those people are here at MS. At times I have been tempted to beat myself up when I hear that other survivors are doing so well while I sit here a pathetic looser in life but I try not to. I try to keep in mind that different people internalize their trauma differently and that there are tons of different factors which can influence whether a survivor's trauma drives them or destroys them.

Some of those factors can be more innate. Some of these guys are just naturally wired differently than I am for starters. Then there are the less innate factors that can be at play. Differences in upbringing, differences in family history, differences in where and how others fit in socially with their peers before and after the abuse began, cultural differences, etc. That's probably just the tip of the iceberg. Any one or any combination of these factors can play a role in how a survivor of CSA internalizes the abuse and how it affects them going forward. With all that in mind, I try not to beat myself up simply because other survivors are successful and I am not.

While I may beat myself up at times anyway, one thing I won't do is begrudge people their success. The people here who are successful have a right to be successful and I admire them for it. I only wish they could bottle a little bit of whatever it is they have inside them and sell it to me. (At a friend price, of course.) smile

Other than that, I will not try to convince you that you belong here at MS. I have already done that and it appears I may have failed. I still believe you do but I will not belabor any of the points I've been trying to make to you. I don't know what more to say. I only hope that if nothing else you will check in from time to time. If and when you do, I'll be here to say hello. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#438868 - 06/22/13 12:20 AM . [Re: BraveFalcon]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#438871 - 06/22/13 02:48 AM Re: Whatever [Re: JoeSmith]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 614
Loc: where the shadows lie
I sometimes feel that way too. I feel two level of things go on here. The shallow stuff and the deep stuff. You don't have to participate in the shallow stuff if you don't want.

Some people here seem to be doing really well professionally. I don't begrudge them that . . . or I try not to. It is really hard sometimes. Even worse is finding out just how well your abusers are doing.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...2699#Post432699

No one site can be for everyone, but really no site is for anyone. What I mean is, the only person who can heal you is you. You can either hang around other people who are attempting the same thing, or you can go it alone. There is no wrong answer as long as it is healing for you. No one owes you help. We all give it as much as we can. It makes me mad too that I write things and no one responds. But no one has an obligation to do anymore than they feel they can.

On a matter of accuracy, if you think everyone else here is successful in business, you are just incorrect. Plain and simple. I've never been able to hold down a full-time job. I do wish some people here would be more sensitive to that. I wanted to be a teacher. I got really close. But now that's a dream that will probably never come back to me. There are both psychological and physical barriers in my way. And what I really hate more than anything is when people say "oh, you still could be if you worked hard enough." LOL -- NO. No one who says that knows the full story, and I wish they would just trust me instead of having optimism born of ignorance. This may seem off topic, but I say it to let you know that not everyone here is on top of things. At least some of us are just making it day to day. I'm not saying staying is the best thing for you. I don't know you. What I do know is that I get more out of this place when people who aren't holding it together are brave enough to share that, so I *hope* you stick around.
_________________________


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#438884 - 06/22/13 12:06 PM Re: Whatever [Re: JoeSmith]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
Loc: The ATL

Hi Greg. I hope you are still here. I have to echo some of what Jacob said. Sure, MS isn't for everyone. Only you can determine whether or not it is for you. For me, MS is helpful in a sense, although not in the sense that it's going to totally change my life or solve any of my problems necessarily. I don't think that is what I came here for though, and perhaps that's where you and I differ a little. What I seek in MS is a place to connect with others who can identify with some of the problems I have. It is a crutch and a shoulder to cry on from time to time. It also provides me with a place where I feel like I can help others who are struggling and suffering. I'm not sure how successful I've been in that, although I keep in mind there is only so much I can do.

I can understand a little bit of what you're saying regarding material here that you view as "shallow" but I think, for me, it's ok and even necessary to have some of that. I say that probably being one of the most bleak and dark posters on the board, because that is just the reality of my situation in life. Sometimes I start threads that are incredibly bleak and express nothing but abject hopelessness and when I do so, I am being genuinely honest about the way I feel. I have found that such threads typically are lucky to get a few responses while the more positive, upbeat, "inspirational" threads are the ones that get pages upon pages of responses.

I have to admit that this has hurt me a little from time to time and left me wondering if I belong here myself. Wondering if maybe I'm not just a cancer on the board. But, in the end, I know that the bleak and dark stuff has it's place here just as much as the "inspirational" stuff does.

Also, if it weren't for the "light and airy" side of the board, I'm not sure I'd even be able to participate. The other day I posted one of the darkest fucking things I've ever posted here, (The Elevator Accident), but, around the same time, I posted a funny picture of myself when I was 12 and left another post about my cats. That may seem like "shallowness" but I kind of need to do things like that here intermittently to take the edge off the painful stuff. It's like I need to "come up for air" every once in a while or I'd outright drown in the misery.

Oh, and I wasn't trying to infer that you sounded like you "begrudged" other people's success. I know you didn't say that and I apologize if it sounded like I was implying you had. I was only speaking for myself when I brought that up.

Anyway, if you really are leaving us than good luck to you. I hope you can find some kind of path in your life to the inner peace and serenity that was taken from you as a child. You deserve to be whole as a person, as we all do. And, again, I hope you will check in from time to time. I consider you a friend and I want you to know that your story and your struggles have impacted me. Take care of yourself. Peace,

Ken

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#438885 - 06/22/13 12:11 PM Re: Whatever [Re: JoeSmith]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
Greg,
I'm sorry you feel the need to leave this community and I hope you will reconsider. While I've got a lot of insecurities when interacting with others on MS - I feel like people leave when I enter a chat, I have found no other place where I can learn from people who are dealing and have dealt with the same issues I am battling. I can not even comprehend the suffering of the brave men whose stories Soccer posted, and my heart breaks when I read them.

I apologize if I have personally posted anything which would appear as bragging about success. I must however point out that success like beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I personally came from nothing, and have worked my ass off serving my country and earning degrees to get to where I am at. For me, it's not only about gaining validation I never had as a child, it's also about making sure my son never has to go hungry as I did as a child. And while I might have a good job and a wife, I am also plagued with knowing I was not important and was neglected by my parents. Or that I often push the only person who has always been in my corner since we met (my wife) away. Oh, and the years of CSA fuck me up a lot too.

As the wise man said above, I hope you see what helps and look past what you think doesn't.

Matt
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#438890 - 06/22/13 02:56 PM . [Re: BraveFalcon]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#438949 - 06/23/13 01:47 AM Re: Whatever [Re: JoeSmith]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
I like the way you write Greg. I think everyone is lucky to have you. Sorry for your extreme suffering.

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