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#438948 - 06/23/13 01:40 AM My unusual trigger and the partner who sets it off
Fried Offline


Registered: 05/29/10
Posts: 18
Loc: UK
Hey all,

Long time no see. I've been up since 5 this morning fretting over this issue, and I'd like some help.

Basically, I'm triggered by male clothes which have logos on one side. I just feel dreadful when I see them, and they bring all these memories flooding back. I get this sick to the stomach feeling, but most of all I become extremely irritated and full to the brim with rage. I have self-harmed in the past, and this is often a trigger for it.

Usually I avoid people when they wear these things, if it's someone on the street, it's only fleeting and I'm fine. If it's a friend, I'll make my excuses and leave.
But my boyfriend of 3 years owns 4 tops which trigger me. When he sexually advances upon me when wearing them, I feel used, disgusted, revolted, guilty. His touch makes me recoil, and I get angry with myself. You know all the feelings.. it's like I'm there again.

He knows how they make me feel, but he keeps wearing them. I've asked him so many times to stop wearing them. Just the other day, I told him that they fill me with the 'deepest sadness'. His response was that he likes them too much and owns too many to just get rid of them.

I know this sounds ridiculous and silly. I know it sounds like I've got these nit-picking demands, but I don't know how to get him to listen. He knows I was abused and he knows my two major triggers: these clothes and listening to people eating. But he does them both all of the time. I've even self harmed when he's been with me in bed, and he's just gotten angry at me for it. How do I get him to listen?? I'm so so so so irritable when he's around because of these things and I'm filled with depression and really want to hurt myself again. Please help : (

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#438950 - 06/23/13 01:49 AM Re: My unusual trigger and the partner who sets it off [Re: Fried]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 614
Loc: where the shadows lie
That's really tough. I don't know the full story, but if I were you I'd really think about whether or not he is the right one for you to be with. You need someone who at the very least is going to put you before his wardrobe. It sounds to me like you've tried to make him listen. You are important, and if it is bothering you that much than you need to be prepared to take care of yourself. Don't let him make you feel like your issues aren't important. They are important, and if he is going to put his clothes ahead of you than you may very well need to think about finding someone less shallow.
_________________________


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#438951 - 06/23/13 02:11 AM Re: My unusual trigger and the partner who sets it off [Re: Fried]
Fried Offline


Registered: 05/29/10
Posts: 18
Loc: UK
Thanks so much for the response, Jacob.

One of my problems is that I can't bring myself to leave him. He's very secure for me, he wants to get married and grow old and everything. That's the stability I've craved through my hectic childhood, and I can't throw that away over these things that really aren't his fault. I'm also certain that he'd tell my family (indirectly) about my CSA if I did. He told me he would if I ever went through with plans for suicide, or if I ended up in hospital by my own hands (which I know I would without the stability he offers). That would tear my already volatile family apart, and I just can't do that. So in that way, I'm stuck with him and I'm stuck with life as myself.

I don't want it to sound like I lead a horrible life, because when he's wearing anything else and not triggering me, we can have a good relationship. He just won't listen and I don't know how to get him to, because it throws me into these depressive spirals. I'm so ashamed that this is such a huge problem for me, it sounds so petty, and I know how it must sound petty to him as well.

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#438952 - 06/23/13 03:36 AM Re: My unusual trigger and the partner who sets it off [Re: Fried]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East

If it were me id throw his triggering clothes in the trash.

If he left me over it i'd count my blessings.

Its easy "if u want to be with me u cant wear those clothes."

Him not looking out for you is no excuse to not look out for yourself.

Have a doctor explain it to him?


Edited by GoldStone (06/23/13 06:42 PM)

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#438953 - 06/23/13 04:48 AM Re: My unusual trigger and the partner who sets it off [Re: Fried]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 614
Loc: where the shadows lie
Your afraid to leave him because he would tell your family your secret? Um, that sounds like blackmail. The relationship may be worth saving, but you need to get this stuff cleared up. You can't be with someone because of what they would do if you leave. That's not love.
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#438955 - 06/23/13 06:54 AM Re: My unusual trigger and the partner who sets it off [Re: Fried]
iSurvive Offline


Registered: 03/31/13
Posts: 5
Loc: NYC via Indy, Chgo, FL
fried i haven't read the responses. just your post. omg I know that situation way too much. last partner was a beater. had all his vices i was just stupid. dang you sound like you have a heart. a very nice heart that's being beat up and hurt. makes me cry actually. I do know the feeling. all I can say is you are not alone. burn the shirts in the back yard so he can see how upset you are. no hissies ... and if he don't like it then get new ones together. ones that you like! should be a mutual relationship no matter how mush tude is involved. big hugs. dang
_________________________
"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."

C. S. Lewis

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#438956 - 06/23/13 07:05 AM Re: My unusual trigger and the partner who sets it off [Re: Fried]
iSurvive Offline


Registered: 03/31/13
Posts: 5
Loc: NYC via Indy, Chgo, FL
ok I read the replies to your post
ok you have an issue. you mentioned suicide! really? that is you not him. breath.
leaving someone, get over that, leave if it's bad. do not settle for an ass hole. you are abusing yourself. be you and be happy, alone if needed. suicide? that's just stupid. just do it so I don't have to deal with it!!!!!
that all said. I'm sorry bud. it's hurts and it hurts bad. big hugs. make it right for you. I'll die alone happy before spending my time suffering making another happy. men are pigs! sorry just had to say that. be happy
_________________________
"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."

C. S. Lewis

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#438957 - 06/23/13 07:07 AM Re: My unusual trigger and the partner who sets it off [Re: Fried]
iSurvive Offline


Registered: 03/31/13
Posts: 5
Loc: NYC via Indy, Chgo, FL
oh my new quote isn't on here. here the post quote ...

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."

C. S. Lewis
_________________________
"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."

C. S. Lewis

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#438959 - 06/23/13 08:16 AM Re: My unusual trigger and the partner who sets it off [Re: Fried]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Hey Fried. Your situation sounds rather hurtful for you. I have two concerns with your bf... probably more if I thought about it or met him... but thats okay. I am older now and see things through a different lens.

1- bf loves you, yet chooses a tee shirt over triggering past sexual abuse issues for you. Seriously. I want you to think about that deeply. How immature and selfish is that on his part? And you told him that you are filled with "the deepest sadness"... Seriously? Maybe you could try just vacating the house and going to the mall or running or whatever ALONE when he dresses like that.... or just leave him. From the outside looking in, he seems like a rather manipulative, immature, subtly abusive guy.

2- bf loves you, yet threatens you with emotional blackmail and the sharing of your most personal experiences with others? Something you shared only with him, and he uses that to CONTROL you? Let me repeat that so that I am clear... REPEAT.

Been there. It probably will not improve if you, after three years, have discussed this with him. And you said you have, and you voiced how it makes you feels very clearly in your first post. I hope the bf matures emotionally, becomes less abusive and manipulative, and you guys sort things out before the marriage. Maybe a couples counseling might help.

But I say with the utmost respect to you as a survivor... is living with someone who intentionally recreates the shadow of the abuse and manipulates your emotions through triggering intentional behaviors and emotional threats the way you wish to spend your life? I don't think so, judging from the frustration in your posting.

And hey, good to meet you.

b.


Edited by ThisMan (06/23/13 08:26 AM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#438962 - 06/23/13 09:43 AM Re: My unusual trigger and the partner who sets it off [Re: Fried]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
"If you ever commit suicide, I'll tell your family why" is not exactly a bad thing to say to someone you love. He's probably afraid you'll really do it and is using any means available to leverage against it.

His stubbornness about the shirts is unacceptable. You need to have a sit-down intervention about it. Someone who deliberately does things that hurt you and make you feel bad is not a good choice for a partner, and situations like this usually decay further unless you can firmly arrest them.
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