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#437641 - 06/10/13 11:53 AM Re: Online dating..? [Re: COSC]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1933
Loc: durham, north england
But diamonds are a girl's best friend!

sorry, it just really irritates me how easy things are for women in terms of relationships.

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#437643 - 06/10/13 11:58 AM Re: Online dating..? [Re: COSC]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:06 PM)

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#437716 - 06/10/13 08:43 PM Re: Online dating..? [Re: dark empathy]
COSC Offline


Registered: 08/13/12
Posts: 63
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: dark empathy
I'm just having war with my parents about their plans to sign me up to another site, (this one attached to classic Fm, the british classical music radio station), they just don't seem to accept that that part of me is broken.

-------------------------------------------------

But diamonds are a girl's best friend!

sorry, it just really irritates me how easy things are for women in terms of relationships.


Yep, that's how I feel!.. broken. If my parents were to start playing match maker, I don't know, I'd flip out!

Personally I think woman have it much easier (generally speaking) attracting men. just look at any dating site, all the girls need do is create a profile, sit back n wait for the messages to pour in from... us men. Tho, I think that relationship wise we both have it equally 'easy'.

Oz


Edited by COSC (06/10/13 09:03 PM)
_________________________
The virtue of mental anguish... is the provision of strength and resilience each time clarity's reclaimed. For my success, I owe it all,
to that which stands in my way.

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#437722 - 06/10/13 09:01 PM Re: Online dating..? [Re: bodyguard8367]
COSC Offline


Registered: 08/13/12
Posts: 63
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: bodyguard8367
COSC
and Dark Empathy,

It seems to me that it is much harder for us Gay Guys. After all, most of the guys we see on the street are straight.

If you just start conversations, you will find yourself an experienced guy in no time.


Point taken, not something I'd thought about. Everyone has their own hurdles to contend with when it comes to dating, a shared problem, different dynamic, or at least that's how I see it. So the only way is to get stuck in, play the game and f**k worrying and over anaylizing - If only I could! this bloody CSA is a nightmare. At least joining online dating is helping, anything proactive I guess, I need to get use to rejection, it's certainly starting to thinken my skin in that respect!. Here's to things getting better.

take it easy

Oz


Edited by COSC (06/10/13 09:02 PM)
_________________________
The virtue of mental anguish... is the provision of strength and resilience each time clarity's reclaimed. For my success, I owe it all,
to that which stands in my way.

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#437772 - 06/11/13 10:19 AM Re: Online dating..? [Re: COSC]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1933
Loc: durham, north england
@Cosc, the reason I say I'm borken is quite simple. All my male friends who are now married said they met their partners as friends, then "naturally became closer" whatever the hell that means. Well "natural" doesn't work for me. As far as I'm concerned, nobody has ever been interested in being closer to me, though some people (usually my parents), have claimed otherwise this is not something I can perceive, hence why I class myself as simply broken. It just seems if you don't learn all the rules of this game as a teenager your pretty much stuck.

It just seems that women don't need this mysterious perception at all, that they can simply sit and wait for a man to make his interest clear, then have all the power to accept or reject, which is exactly why I wish I were female.

Then of course genophobia really doesn't help (again, why is genophobia acceptable of a woman but not of a man?).

@Bodyguard, I don't doubt actually finding! gay partners is indeed harder, however I do sometimes wonder (especially from the gay people I've met), if at least I would be better off gay simply because it would be more likely someone else would show an interest, indeed if I were the least bit by I'd be tempted to try this but ultimately I just know I happen not to be.

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#437781 - 06/11/13 12:05 PM Re: Online dating..? [Re: dark empathy]
COSC Offline


Registered: 08/13/12
Posts: 63
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: dark empathy
As far as I'm concerned, nobody has ever been interested in being closer to me, though some people (usually my parents), have claimed otherwise this is not something I can perceive, hence why I class myself as simply broken.

Well, this is something I can relate very closely to. I seem to have two main fears surrounding this. 1, believe that nobody will want to know me 2, an extreme fear of somebody actually wanting to get to know me/getting to know me. #1 is a defense mechanism for #2 and vice-versa, and I seem to be perpetually stuck in limbo.

Could it be that this perception we share has inadvertently become our survival instinct from a very young age, and is now that ingrained that we deduce the perception mentioned above? - I'm slowely comming to see that this is no reflection on us being broken, but an outcome of being abused by cowards. Maybe it's their perceptions thrust upon us and not our's to bare, Bast**ds! If only knowing that eased the pain. For me the only relief will come from finding someone that will accept me for me, abuse and all. tho it may not cure me, it will certainly help keep my CSA in check. I think that's my key recovery goal.

oz


Edited by COSC (06/11/13 12:12 PM)
_________________________
The virtue of mental anguish... is the provision of strength and resilience each time clarity's reclaimed. For my success, I owe it all,
to that which stands in my way.

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#437903 - 06/12/13 06:22 AM Re: Online dating..? [Re: COSC]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1933
Loc: durham, north england
Well Oz I'm not really sure if survival instinct at least covers my experiences since my abuse wasn't in the context of any sort of relationship, it was uncompromisingly and absolutely unpleasant, simply another form of humiliation perpetrated mostly by strangers.

The problem is that seems to have broken whatever sense other people have that another person is interested in being more than a friend, just as it has left me with one, and only one perception of what s/x is, ie, genophobia. Up until I was 18 I basically believed that all committed relationships were just friends who occasionally did something physical together, ---- this was until i actively perceived via my emotional sense something distinct betwene people who are together. I don't really know the name for this, communication is the best word I can give it, though I could only describe it in synaesthesic and rather poetic terminology.
it's not perminant, indeed several times I've noticed it betwene people who have then broken up, but it is a very distinct thing.

The problem tends to be that whatever female friends I have, however well we get on as friends I can never1 perceive that another person is interested in having that sort of closeness with me. I'm fairly sure if someone did, i'd be able to get around my genophobia simply because I'd have a very different experience, but nobody has been.

It is easy for me to believe this lack of interest is due to me being too ugly, too unpleasant too insert nasty adjective, however I know rationally that my own self perception is not exactly reliable. Furthermore, I have begun to understand that just as I am totally unable to pickup the interest of others, others may not pickup when i! am interested in them either. Certainly on those few occasions (about 3 in all), when I've absolutely told someone the way I felt, it was only to releave the pressure and not because I wanted things to progress, and on all occasions said girls have been surprised, ---- and, because all three were friends, extremely sympathetic. The last was in 2007, with **** and that convinced me that I needed to start looking into what happened to me as a teenager, albeit that was one of the single worst experiences of my life.

That is why a few years ago in 2009 I made my resolution, to focus on other things, particularly music and just accept that this was something that happened to other people. Generally its' been something hwich has been hard, but it's getting easier, especially as I devote more of my life to perfecting my voice and performing, indeed part of the reason I use this site is as a way to vent the frustration at the necessity for this resolution. This is however why having my mum try to push things is really inconvenient and why I wish she would just accept my resolution as I've had to, frankly I'm sick of trying to fix the broken peaces of this hole stupid mess called relationships which other people (particularly female people), seem to find so dam easy.

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#438908 - 06/22/13 07:14 PM Re: Online dating..? [Re: COSC]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
Hi Oz,

I actually have a POF profile myself. I have many friends with profiles (POF is very popular here in the UK as a free dating site).

I haven't had any luck lol. I don't really message girls, which might be part of my problem (I mostly browse and think to myself I should really message this girl at some point), but the ones I have messaged have never responded. I was talking to one girl on there, but she really lived too far away so I ended it.

To test a theory I set up a profile with a girls name, no photos, and just a line saying "Will fill the profile in later...", that profile received at least 10 messages per day (my profile has only received a few messages since I have had it). So the real problem with POF is there are just so many guys on there who must send out thousands of messages a day to all the girls on there.

A documentary on TV the other night said that on POF, if you hope to find somebody who is a match to you and will respond to your message, you have to send out on average 750 messages. So it isn't you, it just isn't easy.

Lewis
_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#438917 - 06/22/13 08:37 PM Re: Online dating..? [Re: COSC]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
For women on online dating sites most guys look like a needle in a stack of needles. Since they get to do the picking and you are not making the approach in person guys are working at a disadvantage. First and foremost, make sure you are the kind of person someone would want to date (recovery, self-improve, etc. - this is all around a good thing anyway). Second, make short but compelling profile including a few nice shots of you with and without friends and always smiling. Third, tailor your message to each girl you send one to and make sure it is short, sweet, and hard to beat.

Lastly, the documentary is true, it's a numbers game online just as it is in real life. The guys who get the most dates are also the guys who get the most rejections. Just remember they are not rejecting you as a person they are rejecting your approach, heck there may be any number of reasons out of your control why she is not interested (you remind her of an ex, she had a rough day at work, etc.). Lastly, when you get a date make sure to do something you both want to do that isn't just movie and dinner. You want it to be memorable for her and yourself - dating should always be fun : )

These things will go far in distinguishing you from the hordes guys sending out self-serving messages basically saying "let's fuck" like this one:

[img:left]http://imgur.com/Eh6Xati[/img]
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#439011 - 06/23/13 08:09 PM Re: Online dating..? [Re: COSC]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York

As a rule, the first date with a girl from a dating site should be brief and very casual. An hour or two in a bar or coffee shop - really just to see if the both of you are interested in being together more.

I can vouch for a lot of sketchy activity regarding the moderation of some of the more well-known sites. Mods have dummy accounts where as soon as you join in on a free level they will PM you and ask to communicate via whatever method requires paying. And if your inbox seems to go dead and you complain to the mods - because you've been using the same info and pics on other sites and get responses there - the mods will send you fake PMs that seem to come from other accounts in order to make you feel like you're still getting your money's worth. I know both of the above from incontrovertible personal experience.

But at least they ARE moderated. There's always.... Craigslist... (shudder)


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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