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#438507 - 06/17/13 10:59 PM The Elevator Accident
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL
This is going to be one of those posts that has anyone who reads it thinking, "Where the hell is Ken going with this?" Yeah, yeah.... just stick with me.

Several weeks ago I had lunch with an old friend and coworker of mine who I hadn't seen in over a year. I met this old friend of mine when we worked together many years ago but he has since moved back to his home town of Chicago, where most of his family also lives. In all the years I've known this guy, I've never met or even heard him speak very much about either of his parents. During our lunch, however, he brought up his dad and mentioned that his father had been permanently disabled in an old work-related accident. This was the first time he's ever told me anything about this.

Apparently, about thirty years ago, my friend's father worked for an elevator repair company. Somehow, while working in a elevator shaft, this guy had his arm underneath an elevator that dropped down and smashed his arm completely. According to my friend, it was a freak accident. The elevator, that must have weighed several thousand pounds, literally just destroyed this guy's arm. Every bone was completely pulverized.

After being examined by doctors, my friend's dad was told that there was nothing they could do to save his arm. No amount of surgery or physical therapy could or would ever repair it or make it usable or useful again. He was given the option to have it amputated but decided against it. Now, I didn't even know that happened. I thought when they had to amputate a limb it was always because there was no other option but, according to my friend, that's not what his father was told. The doctors told my friend's dad that he could choose to keep the arm but that it would never be anything but all fucked-up and gimpy. (Although, I am going to go out on a limb and say that's probably not the terminology that the doctors used.)

So, to this day, that arm is still attached to this guy's body. He doesn't have much feeling in it and can't use it at all but it remains a part of him. His arm is a smashed, twisted and useless appendage, but it is still a part of him. The only happy part of his story is that he was able to retire with the money he won in the resulting lawsuit and still lives off that money to this day.

On my way home that day, my brain suddenly drew what seemed like a natural analogy between my friend's father's story and my own. In a way, my sexuality and my psychosexual self is much like that guy's arm. My childhood sexual trauma, my premature sexualization, my CSA, was the elevator. My childhood sexual experiences smashed, pulverized and destroyed my sexuality. There is nothing that can be done to save it or fix it. No amount of therapy or medication will ever repair the damage that was done. The prognosis is hopeless and absolute. My sexual self is completely and utterly twisted, ugly, ruined and unusable now. It is "all fucked-up and gimpy" and always will be.

There are three ways, however, in which the analogy does not fit.

One, my friend's dad doesn't have much feeling in his arm. It doesn't cause him much pain, discomfort or distress. My sexual self, on the other hand, is anything but painless. It hurts, and the pain it causes me torments me every singe fucking day, affecting everything in my world. Not one single aspect of my life goes untouched by the injury.

Two, my friend's dad had the option of amputating his arm and probably still does. I am bound to my sexual self. I would just lop it the fuck off if I could, but I can't. It is irrevocably and unavoidably a part of me. It is my curse. It is and always will be my burden to bare, tormenting me every single day until the day death mercifully finds me and ends my decades-long sentence on this shithole of a planet.

Three, my friend's dad's arm weighs what a normal arm weighs. My sexuality weighs much more than a normal sexuality. It is so heavy. It weights me down, making it difficult to function like a normal person. It's such a burden. I'm so tiered of carrying it. I am so tiered of struggling every day just to get through. I am so tiered of dragging this weight around with me everywhere and I want to just kill it or cut it off but I can't. I am so fucking tiered of struggling through each day only to "survive" and go on to struggle again each and every subsequent day. It all seems so pointless. I am so fucking tiered of it and of this GOD-FORSAKEN LIFE!!!!

I came up with that analogy weeks ago and initially thought I would post about it but had decided not to until now. I figured the analogy was kind of stupid and that it wouldn't completely make sense to anyone else. I finally decided to go ahead and post about it tonight anyway. I don't know why. Things are not good right now and I just needed to unload. It's hard to explain the things that are going on with me right now or the things that go on in my head much of the time. This post was the only way I could think of to do that so, there it is. I wish I could express these things more accurately and directly but I can't. I'm sorry. Goodnight. Peace,

Ken


Edited by BraveFalcon (02/26/14 09:31 PM)

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#438520 - 06/18/13 12:25 AM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Ken,

It's a tragic story for your friend's dad, but the analogy works. It was not stupid, but very insightful and it makes perfect sense to me. You did an excellent job. And it is hard to carry the weight of the abuse every day. But what else can we do. There are times when it becomes a lightened load, but it is always to be carried.

I know from recent experience that the mind becomes so busy with sorting and dealing with this stuff, that it is exhausting and continually confusing. And it is tiring, and it is a struggle sometimes to hold the head up and make it thru the day only to get up the next morning and repeat. But we must.

Life isn't pointless, Ken... there are moments, however fleeting, in which we experience the good in life. And hopefully those moments will expand and become days and maybe even for the rest of our lives. That's why we move through the chaos into the not so chaotic. So we can experience the tomorrows.

I hope your mind settles down, and things improve for you. Sounds like a really tough time. Just know it will get better.


Edited by ThisMan (06/18/13 12:26 AM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#438611 - 06/19/13 12:01 AM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL
Hi Bill. Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my post. As I feared, it obviously didn't really resonate with anybody but that's ok. I didn't really expect it to. I'm kind of a freak and there are certain things that go on with me that are very difficult to express to other people, even here. So, sometimes I wind up writing weird shit like this, grasping at analogies and tugging at my thoughts, and am left feeling like I didn't really communicate what I had intended to in the first place. Oh well.

Originally Posted By: ThisMan
It was not stupid, but very insightful and it makes perfect sense to me. You did an excellent job. And it is hard to carry the weight of the abuse every day. But what else can we do. There are times when it becomes a lightened load, but it is always to be carried.


I suppose. It's not like we have any choice. Although, for me, it's not the weight of the abuse itself that is so oppressive but the weight of the resulting complications. Perhaps those two things are part in parcel to one another but I don't really spend to much time these days thinking about the abuse itself. It has been long since I've spent much time agonizing over the memories of my childhood. Those memories are bad, and they always will be. Those memories hurt to think about, and they always will. However, it's the man I am now that's the problem. The confused little boy that I was is long since dead now and lies rotting inside me.

The little boy I once was isn't all that's dead though. The man I was supposed to be, the man I would have been, was murdered while I was still that little boy. The man I was supposed to be sexually, emotionally, socially and probably even professionally was murdered when I was a boy and lay rotting inside me before I even hit puberty. By the time I hit adulthood, that potential man had rotted into only bones, then away into dust. The void that was left by the space he once occupied was filled with the only thing there was left to fill it with, a chaotic shit storm of negative feelings and personality traits. Anxiety, despair, rage, regret, dysfunction, sickness, shame, hate, anger, isolation, etc. The list goes on. There is no fix.


Originally Posted By: ThisMan
Life isn't pointless, Ken... there are moments, however fleeting, in which we experience the good in life.


Here and there, maybe. Saying "life isn't pointless" is kind of relative to who's life your talking about though. Some people have lots of things to live for. Careers, achievements, wives, kids, goals, families, a great sex life, a bright future, etc. Those people have real things to live for. I, on the other hand, have to find shit to live for. Mostly dumb shit. Let's see... beer, one of my sports teams winning, getting to relax and play a little XBOX on the weekend, the occasional moment of brief serenity I have on a day off or rare vacation, petting one of my cats, ummmm.... beer. You know, whatever little bit of superficial happiness that I can corral and hold onto for a fleeting moment or two. That's what I live for. I suppose there is some point to that, in an extremely relative sense.

Sorry, I went off on another tangent there. I'm not sure why I even post stuff like this as I know it isn't helpful to anyone. It's just me bitching and crying about my stupid fucking life. There is no viable solution to any of this so why am I even putting it out there? It's not like I'm even asking for advise. I'm just unloading on the board because I can't do it anywhere else. Sorry. Thanks again for responding. Take care. Peace,

Ken



Edited by BraveFalcon (06/19/13 01:00 AM)

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#438673 - 06/19/13 06:01 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:43 PM)

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#438716 - 06/20/13 10:11 AM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:44 PM)

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#438761 - 06/20/13 09:40 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: bodyguard8367]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL
Hi Geoff. I'm sorry if my post was kind of a downer. I didn't mean to make anyone more depressed than they already are. It's just that there are things that go on with me, issues I have, that are very hard to safely explain to other people. I know I can probably go from being one of the goofiest people on this site to one of the most bleak and I imagine that may be hard for others to reconcile or to understand or make sense of. I'm like that in real life to, although most people other than my closest (few) friends only see the goofy side. Most do not know how dark and fucked-up the inside of my head is.

As you probably already know, I dropped out of therapy a long time ago and never went back. In therapy I came to terms with the reality that I had been sexually abused and for the first time worked on walking through some of that pain and trauma. During my year and a half in therapy, I felt I was also essentially doing a lot of damage assessment. I assessed the the damage, calculated the cost, and saw without a doubt that the damage was irreparable. There was going to be no fix or cure for the damage that had been done. Not with ten lifetimes of therapy. So, I stopped going and never went back.

Now I couldn't see a therapist if I wanted to. I simply can't afford one. However, even if I could afford one, I'm not sure what the point would be. I can't, for the life of me, imagine what more healing there is to be done in my case on any kind of a realistic level. Maybe if these things had been caught in my early teens or something there would have been some hope but now the demons have sunk their teeth in to deep and for to long. They are a part of me now and, in a sense, they are me now.

If I somehow and for some reason did wind up back in therapy, I don't know what my goals would be but I know for certain one of them would not be to eventually have a sexual/romantic relationship with another person. I know I will never want that. The world of adult sexuality is an intensely uncomfortable and alien place to me. In a way, it's even kind of gross to me. It's disgusting. I want a romantic relationship with someone about as much as I want a malignant tumor in my brain. The one and only girlfriend I've ever had broke up with me after a year and I've never been more relieved than I was the night she dumped me. I wondered what took her so long. How the hell did she put up with my aloofness, my cluelessness and my crippling sexual timidity for a fucking year?

To be honest, even if I were to "try" having a relationship again, it wouldn't be fair to the person I was trying with. They would basically just be another guinea pig, like my first and only girlfriend was. That's exactly what she was for me. An experiment that I knew going in would fail. I fucking wasted a year of her life to see if maybe I could make a romantic/sexual relationship with another person work when I pretty much knew going in that I could not. So, that said, anyone who would be compassionate and accepting enough to love someone like me naturally deserves someone better than me. No one deserves to be subject to that and I won't do it to anyone else. That's like cruel and unusual punishment.

I almost think I should delete my posts to this thread. Not because they aren't real, or aren't what I meant to say or anything like that but because they aren't helpful at all. I'm just spewing my gloom and my internal, self-hating vitriol out onto the board. I'm sorry about that it's just that this is the only place I can really do it. I'm honestly sorry for bothering any of you with this. Thank you though Bill and Geoff for reading it and responding to it. It is nice to feel like someone out there is listening at all, even though I didn't have anything constructive to say. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#438816 - 06/21/13 10:19 AM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:44 PM)

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#438835 - 06/21/13 03:59 PM ! [Re: BraveFalcon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:57 PM)

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#438909 - 06/22/13 07:44 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL

Hi Gary. Thanks for the reply and for your insight and your kind words. When I said I was thinking about deleting my posts to this thread, I was only doing so in a moment of frustration and disappointment. It's not like I want other people to feel the way I do about life, sexuality and the scars left by CSA but when I realize that few others here do, I just feel increasingly isolated. Like maybe I really am all alone in this. It's like others have the potential to move forward, make progress and heal but I do not. Not in any meaningful sense, anyway.

Then I start to think, "Oh God, maybe I shouldn't be posting here at all". I mean, all of these people are here trying to heal and recover and all I'm doing is spewing negativity, hopelessness and basically, even Nihilism to some extent. So, I start to feel like maybe I'm a little bit of a cancer on the board and that my participation is not only not helpful but even harmful to other survivors. In posts where I am truly honest about how feel about my life and the world around me, I wind up feeling and sounding like Happy Time Harry from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.*

This is who and what I am though. I have never posted anything to be dramatic or to garner sympathy or to depress people or drag them down. This is real. This is who I am. There is no light at the end of my tunnel and there never will be. I've accepted that and I'm ok with it, but it still hurts and I still need to open up and show the world how dark things are on the inside from time to time, and this is the best place I've found to do it. Really the only place anymore.

*I realize very few of you are going to know who Happy Time Harry is. (Happy Time Harry) I totally relate to that character a lot of the time. Although, I've never been to jail and don't have a parole officer.

Meatwad: "You know Happy Time, just bein' around you kinda makes me wanna die."

Take care all. Sorry if I'm a cancer on the board. Sorry if I'm "Happy Time Harry". I don't mean to be. Peace,

Ken

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#438927 - 06/22/13 10:07 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Hey, guys...and Ken. I appreciate reading the follow up comments. I wanted to just add some more thoughts.

Ken, you are like so not alone with this stuff you are feeling. I feel most of it.

"It's just that there are things that go on with me, issues I have, that are very hard to safely explain to other people. ....one of the goofiest people...to one of the most bleak .... I'm like that in real life to, although most people... only see the goofy side. Most do not know how dark and fucked-up the inside of my head is."

Ken, you just described me. I wonder often how people who know me would react if they knew how broken I really was. Fearful of rejection, I continue to cruise along making folks laugh and feel at ease while at the same time, I am crumbling inside.

"I'm a little bit of a cancer on the board and that my participation is not only not helpful but even harmful..."

That's me... not metropolitan enough, or suburban enough, or well-spoken enough, or versed in psychology enough, or rural enough or on and on and on...and my abuses are not important enough or I am too old or too exposed to sexual assaults or on and on... I even used the word cancer in an early post- and someone set me straight in a heart beat. Not a cancer- and not harmful... someone can always relate...... and the same goes for you. Here I am, telling you directly, that I feel the same way a lot of the time. I can relate. And I even on occasion delete a post... 'cause I become that fearful.

"... even if I were to "try" having a relationship again, it wouldn't be fair to the person I was trying with..."

That's me... who would want someone so used and so abused and so fucked up? And who would want someone now so fearful of intimacy. Sex is still good until there is an instance of dominance or aggression- which is inevitable while having sex. And then the embarrassment happens (and you know what I mean). I could not tell you the last time I was one of two in which both had "happy endings". I just can't. Thats what the rapes have done to me. They have stolen the pleasure of sex.

Ken, there's so much more that I could point out and say I feel the same way about, but suffice it to say that most of what you feel, I feel myself. I can't trust. Sometimes I wonder if I can feel love. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever love another person on an intimate level again.

And as far as therapy is concerned, after 7 months, at once a week, I now cry each session. I am beginning to understand just what the fuck was done to me, my future, and all that became altered. And I can say the pain and the grief are real. Polly Ann can't color it away.

You are so caring and so cool to everyone on this board. Don't ever forget that you have touched me... and I got to see from the top of the lighthouse on Tybee Is... would not have happened because of my fear of heights if not for you!

My final words to you on this... NOT A CANCER and who the heck o pete is Happy Time Harry....???? (I almost read the article in the link, but decided against it after the first few lines...lol.... sorry).
_________________________
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