Newest Members
GKB, MorganWut, myrlin, AaronS, BookHouseBoy
12465 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cyrus (44), Dupe1978 (36), James_Is_Talking (36), K-man (58), LordShiningStarr (36), ricky (51), Shawn Hope (29), teresa (42), Warner82 (32)
Who's Online
3 registered (Jed777, Jay1946, 1 invisible), 14 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12465 Members
74 Forums
64000 Topics
446703 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#438855 - 06/21/13 08:32 PM Establishing Trust *Triggers*
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 225
Loc: California
I've been doing some research into gymnastics as part of a therapy assignment. Part of that included watching some videos on YouTube of Level 5 gymnastics. It is very triggering and I don't recommend it. Basically, the way you learn is your coach or spotter works with you on the hard moves and keeps you from hurting yourself. So the videos are all these kids that were my age running around being lifted onto things by adult men.

The definition of spotting:

"Spotting or to "spot" someone in gymnastics means to assist them in safely completing a skill. The amount of spot can range from simply tapping a leg to completely carrying the gymnast through the motion. A spot can be used to reduce risk of injury, or to ensure proper technique. Spotting can be done hands on or without. Physical contact is not always needed when spotting."

After reading this, I had those fucking body memories of being touched around my waist again. And those feelings of dread. The perpetrator, my coach, was my spotter. He had full access to me, right in front of everyone. That is where he started building the casual touching, under the pretense of care and concern.

My Mom told me when I disclosed that no parents are allowed in the practice sessions because parents panic at seeing their kids doing dangerous exercises on the equipment. It can interfere with skill development. Yeah. Right. What a fucking perfect place for a perp to lie in wait and slowly build trust for his victim.

I'd say his spotting was an epic fail. Instead of healthy progression through skill sets, I got increasingly groomed, progressively moving to the back room where the "special equipment" was, which was lights, a camera, and a bed, and a host of horrors.

This just makes my blood boil. What a betrayal and complete violation of trust. Even after all I have read, and heard from others, there is just no words to say what evil, depraved people we had to deal with.

Fucking assholes, man.

I'm gonna go vomit, then punch some walls.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

Top
#438870 - 06/22/13 12:48 AM Re: Establishing Trust *Triggers* [Re: toddop]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
"I'm gonna go vomit, then punch some walls."

Makes my blood boil for you too, Todd. I've had this same reaction many, many times. Just know you aren't alone with your feelings.

b


Edited by ThisMan (06/22/13 12:49 AM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



Top
#438891 - 06/22/13 03:19 PM Re: Establishing Trust *Triggers* [Re: toddop]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1235
Loc: New York
Hey Todd, ***** might be TRIGGERING *****

One of the people that had me in the same situation as you was my gym teacher. We had a gymnastics program along with a swimming program where I was doing high diving, I loved to jump off high places. I was a natural in both these sports as my gym teacher, who was my spotter, used to tell me. I'm sure that you remember that gymnastics was almost always practiced in shorts only. While being lifted on the rings or high bar the hands were always in the right places for him. He was also very protective of me and my classmate when we were being bullied by the seniors in gym. He "saved" us from them by letting us help straighten out the gym so we didn't have to go into the locker room and get tortured by those seniors. Me and my friend would have the locker room to ourselves so we were "saved". And of course the gym teacher would would end his day also by taking showers with us. I don't think I have to go further than that.

I do think that I wasn't so disturbed with being touched since I was pimped since I was 12 and here I was a freshman in HS at the age of 13. I think he realized that I was easy prey.

If you remember that the shorts we wore in practice were very short and ours had a mesh inside, like found in bathing suits, to hold your privates in place. When he lifted me to the rings or high bar he wouldn't lift me from my stomach like he did other kids but from my thighs just under my shorts. When he would anchor (steady) me his hands would wander all down my body.

With high diving which I loved we wore speedo type bathing suits. My speedo was not tight as the other kids but loose, he knew I had no ass to hold them up during a dive. I cannot count how many times I lost my suit. He would always fish my suit out before I could get it and then have me get out of the way so the next diver could go. So he would give me back the suit when I got to shallow water. He would retrieve my suit and walk to the shallow part of the pool and point that I should get out of the way. So if anyone was there it looked normal and everyone would think, "oh man jeff can't stay in his suit". He even helped me with the string when I got out of the pool. I will leave the rest to the imagination.

I don't know how to describe my reactions to this because my entire childhood revolved around judo and my instructor being my surrogate father who I loved him very much. My teacher was old time Japanese where honor was very ingrained in me as I was one of the top players in the tri state area. I wanted to be like him and do everything like him. We (serious players) wore nothing for protection under our gi (uniform). Showers, sauna and communal baths were the norm. I had the job of watering the rocks in the sauna and watering the benches so the older men could sit down and look at me or even get me on their laps. No towels were used and of course I was naked also.

I think I'll stop here because I'm getting a little triggered myself. But what I wanted to bring out like you said Todd was how normal the grooming was. Plus the sexual relationship I had with him sort of eased my feelings of being naked and having sex with him. I thought at the time that all fathers had sex with their kids. My real father really didn't even know that I existed and my mother was alway on my case or beating me. So I welcomed the relationship. My judo teacher was also my pimp. I used to spend like 30 hours/week practicing judo.

I didn't like my gym teacher aside from the fact that he saved me from the seniors but I put up with it since I treated him like another john. But I wouldn't say that I hated him. I guess because he was a john and not a perp in my mind back then. I was never beaten by him so I guess that is the reason I put up with the shit just to get away from the seniors.

I had never thought of him or the johns a "fucking assholes" I guess because I was never beaten. When I was doing those porn flicks at 14 I was beaten viciously and drugged out of my mind most of the time. But again they weren't "fucking assholes" they were the devil incarnate and they made me part of their sickness. It was the first time in my life that I really felt deathly afraid of the beatings, torture of what I was forced to do and twice tried to get out of it by trying to kill myself. It was these people who gave me the guilt of a murderer but "fucking assholes" just can't describe the sickness they had.

The only "fucking assholes" I knew were the huge bodybuilders that used me as a rag to make some of those movies. Their arms where so huge that they were probably bigger than my waist. They could hold me upside down by holding an ankle while another went at me. I could be hung just off the ground by my wrists while a bunch of them would go at me. I was turned into kid that would do anything to avoid the instant punishments met out if something wasn't done right of even if I hesitated.

I would call all the movie people the "devil". They turned me into a heavy drug user at 14-15, killed my aspiration of maybe one day having a shot at going to the olympics, turned school into something to do between movies. The only reason I graduated HS was because my parents were paying big bucks to send me to a high class private school. I think that by my junior year I was more missing than in school.

To show you how much this one year out of 9 years being molested in some way effects me till today. I always thought of the johns as not bad but I realize a few weeks ago with my T that I was comparing the johns to the movie people and I always held that the johns were nice to me. But in reality even though I didn't get beaten when I was with the johns they also did their damage. I'm glad I'm now realizing it for the first time. I'm sad that I can't vomit or punch walls yet.

Thanks todd for the thread, you bring back those memories of the "spotter". I don't have any memories of my life before 10 years old but from 10-18 I was molested in one way or another, it became part of my life and the "spotter" was just another piece in that puzzle.

Originally Posted By: toddop
This just makes my blood boil. What a betrayal and complete violation of trust. Even after all I have read, and heard from others, there is just no words to say what evil, depraved people we had to deal with.

It's funny that at the time I thought it was all part of life, I didn't have your reaction except for the movie people. I do know that I've had to hide the last 40+ years from the world. I've had no real friends the whole time because I could not take a chance and get so close to someone that they should know how much of a shitty little kid I was, just a fucken shitty little prostitute. I know I should point that rage away from me and to where it belongs but I guess I'm not there yet.

Sorry for the long rant but "spotter" hit a nerve.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#438906 - 06/22/13 06:45 PM ! [Re: toddop]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:55 PM)

Top
#438928 - 06/22/13 10:27 PM Re: Establishing Trust *Triggers* [Re: toddop]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 225
Loc: California
Thanks guys for the responses.

This Man: Thanks for the support and validation!

Jeff: Yeah, you get that whole environment. Easy pickings we were I suppose for the monster's in the lair. Might as well have been fruit hanging from the vine. Although I never recognized it as a "lair" then, I do forever after the abuse. But, the spotter thing just blew my top and I had to get it out.

Gary: Yeah, I do the same thing with trust and questioning motives all the time. I think that is where the hyper-vigilance stuff comes in for me, too. I have that Terminator vision, like in the movies. A quick scan of what everyone around me is doing at all times, what they are holding, expressions, body language and all of that data running down the side of my peripheral vision like teletype. We've seen the true evils out there for sure.

I do feel like this is progress in some way. I am starting to direct the anger outward to the right target. At least some of the times. I feel like I have a Recovery Equalizer in my brain, just like on a stereo. From minute to minute, hour to hour, the levels go up and down based on what I am hearing and experiencing. Instead of bass, treble, etc. the Recovery Equalizer has:
  • Low Self-Esteem
  • Fear
  • Anger Directed In
  • Outrage at Perp
  • Body Image Issues
  • Step Forward in Progress
  • Anxiety/Panic
  • Recovered Memories
  • Etc., etc., etc.

And they just keep bouncing up and down. Sometimes they are all jammed on high, which probably is panic attack level.

But yesterday, for a period of clear-headedness, the Outrage At Perp blasted up, while the others stayed low, and I was able to get that post out. I'll take any small blessing at this point.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.