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#438247 - 06/15/13 12:08 AM how do you handle the distance?
imperfection85 Offline


Registered: 05/13/13
Posts: 18
i have a question for all of the wives/girlfriends of survivors

for those of you who experience distance within your relationships, how do you go on day by day with the distance that is created between you and your partner? how does it feel when you are around other couples? how do you fight the feelings of yearning for that to be you and your partner? how do you fight the feelings of loneliness and the constant thoughts of feeling desired by your partner?

my boyfriend has been so withdrawn and isolated for the last little while due to his depression and i have barely seen him lately. i know it's not his fault and i don't blame him nor am i upset with him, but sometimes i feel so lonely and yearn for him to desire to be with me as most other people in relationships do for their partner. it's the weekend, and i am spending my friday night posting this post rather than being with my boyfriend because he does not want to spend time with me (or anyone else really)

do you ever feel like your feelings don't matter? the distance hurts because he is so isolated and is in his own world, isolated from everyone else. all i do is think of him and wonder if he is okay and it hurts because sometimes i wonder if he is thinking about me at all through all of this; he told me specifically that this has nothing to do with me and that i should not take it personal and that he is just going through a very rough time right now.. all he likes to do when he is depressed is be by himself and not talk to or see anyone, he just watches tv, sleeps and maybe exercises a bit.. i already feel hopeless that i can't help him or make him feel any better, but i wish i could just sit next to him during these times and hold his hand, but he won't see anyone when he is feeling like this.. i try to give him space by not contacting him for a day or two sometimes but it's hard not talking to him but i know that with severe depression sometimes even just sending a text to someone can take a lot out of you so i would never pressure him and honestly i completely understand all of this and support him, but can't help but feel sad sometimes

when we are together it's wonderful and i can really feel the love he has for me, and when he is not depressed he is very sweet and caring, but i guess since this phase of depression has been going on for a little while now i am just a little lonely

just wondering if any of you can relate? would love to hear your stories and how you deal with issues relating to withdrawing and distancing

thanks for your time


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#438266 - 06/15/13 10:50 AM Re: how do you handle the distance? [Re: imperfection85]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 698
Loc: NJ
Hi. Depression is a hard thing, hard for those with it and hard for those who love someone with it. Unfortunately, you are not the solution and that is a difficult thing to face.

The thing about relationships, good ones, is that it is an exchange of meeting each other's needs. And while you may be meeting his, he is clearly not meeting yours. And your needs are valid - and you deserve to have them met.

So then you have to ask yourself the question... can I get them met a different way while he is working on himself? Can I live with not having him meet them (at least for now)?

Living for a long time without your needs met will grow resentment so I encourage you to have them met in healthy ways. If your partner had cancer and was sick, you would not expect them to go running with you. And unfortunately your partner is sick and can't go running with you. Does this mean you stop running?

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#438275 - 06/15/13 01:01 PM Re: how do you handle the distance? [Re: imperfection85]
foreverloved Offline


Registered: 02/16/13
Posts: 12
Loc:
I kno exactly how you feel. Most days it does feel that my feelings dont matter. My h always reminds me when i feel this way its not that he dosnt want to meet my needs and feelings its just really hard to show what i mean to him right now. Most survivors have constant racing thoughts that they cant turn off and if they are down its hard to be happy and being depressed takes a ton of energy out of you. " it takes more muscles to frown than to smile" please dear dont take it personal. Ways ive done to show and remind him that i care i sympathize with him in notes by looking up affects from the abuse and tell him hes strong and anything that he does even just after a simple talk i tell him i appreciate him for talking to me or even if its as simple as unclogging a sink because ive come to realize how much it takes out of him to do those little tasks that we can do no problem with. Ive randomly left little surprises letting him kno i care that hes not alone. That leaves me feeling that i kno i crossed his mind for a sec in that moment even if i dont get a response, i kno it means alot. As for seeing other couples together i feel alone and empty hurt yearning for what i see. At those times i try to remember every good moment ive had with my partner and think to myself thst its going to be my turn soon. Some days i even cry and after i feel better. Its a good way to relieve your body of stress by not holdingbit in. There is no easy way of dealing w the ddistant, you wonder if hes thinking of you during this time and you can bet he is because hes still with you smile he may isolate himself but that is common for most survivors it gives them a sence of security and safety. And even to protect you from seeing him that way. Im not sure if im helping much but i hope i did a little bit that maybe you can try to apply my experience to you. Sorry its lengthy. Just remember its not you he feels this way, its you hes holding onto to keep moving forward even if hes alone most times its good hes doing exercises and trying to relax. You can see it when you are together smile that your his reason to cope with these emotions, and you know your doing a good job. I agree eith esposa your needs are just as important you may want to try sitting him down and talking with him and see if you can start off small by asking to have a date night once a week even if its just a nice walk on a trail its a calm setting, its exercise, and youll get to spend time together, that kind of meet in the middle half way thing. Good luck and keep your chin up he loves you.

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#438411 - 06/17/13 12:20 AM Re: how do you handle the distance? [Re: imperfection85]
imperfection85 Offline


Registered: 05/13/13
Posts: 18
Thanks Esposa

You are right i should not stop running, i just don't know how to keep going sometimes.. it feels like he is my water bottle, so yes i can keep running but without him i can't go too far, if that makes sense

I will continue to focus on what i can do to help myself in the meantime, thanks for your contribution smile
_________________________
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have

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#438412 - 06/17/13 12:31 AM Re: how do you handle the distance? [Re: imperfection85]
imperfection85 Offline


Registered: 05/13/13
Posts: 18
Thank you foreverloved,

You make a good point that with everything going on mentally for them it's hard to focus on other things (like showing us how much we mean to them), which is very true. It's an overwhelming place to be for sure and i understand that

I think the reason it's hard for me is because i don't get to see him as often as i'd like, and we don't talk as often as we used to when he was not in this dark place. If i saw and spoke to him every day, i'm sure it would be much easier and i would be able to do little things that i can't right now, u know? i would love to just sit next to him and hold his hand and not say anything.. or surprise him with a funny movie or his favourite food or something but i can't do these things because i don't see him so i think that's what makes it challenging for me

We used to see eachother more frequently but since his depression started to really kick in, he has been very withdrawn from everyone and everything so i guess it hurts to see him like this and feel so helpless in that i can't help him

But i will keep my head up until this passes for sure, thanks for the encouragement! smile
_________________________
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have

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#438752 - 06/20/13 06:30 PM Re: how do you handle the distance? [Re: imperfection85]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Hi Imperfections,
I've read a number of your posts, and I'm going to give you some advice. Break up with him.

It's nothing personal, just a fact of life. This is going to suck up his attention for years. In the meantime, you are losing time to find a husband and have a family.

I've known a survivor for 4.5 years, and he's been divorced and had another girlfriend in that time, and now is free of both. He sees a therapist EVERY WEEK. Has for years.

And he's getting better. But it's like watching a glacier melt.

Break up.
Move on.

Disappointed.
Female with 4.5 years experience in this with a "friend."
_________________________
Female.

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#438780 - 06/21/13 12:37 AM Re: how do you handle the distance? [Re: imperfection85]
imperfection85 Offline


Registered: 05/13/13
Posts: 18
Thanks for your reply Disappointed,

You make a good point it is a very slow process, one that does require an enormous amount of time and patience. I have only been at it for a year so I probably don't see it the way you, having been 4 and a half years involved with your friend. That takes a lot of dedication in it's own way.

But to be honest, you saying that your friend is getting better actually gave me hope for my situation. I know you were trying to go the other way with this lol and encourage me to get out but I guess i took the more subtle (and perhaps unintentional) message from your response smile

Thanks for reaching out, I wish you well!
_________________________
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have

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#438801 - 06/21/13 08:41 AM Re: how do you handle the distance? [Re: imperfection85]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
You're not hearing me. You're 29. Do you know what a glacier is? Can you imagine how long it would take to melt? This is what I am talking about.

Let's put it in these terms: Last year,I saw him once. This year I still haven't seen him. But I think it will happen.

He was abused starting at age 5 or so.

If you want a life, GET OUT.
_________________________
Female.

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#438818 - 06/21/13 10:23 AM Re: how do you handle the distance? [Re: imperfection85]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
As someone who has wasted most of his life I'll give you my limited opinion. Listen to Disappointed. If you didn't have the distance issue then I would think this but not say it. But that on top of his issues seems too much. Hey but it's your life.

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#438820 - 06/21/13 11:45 AM Re: how do you handle the distance? [Re: imperfection85]
imperfection85 Offline


Registered: 05/13/13
Posts: 18
Disappointed- I'm not 29 lol where did you get that from? But I do see what you are saying. Seeing someone once a year is extreme, when I said that I hadn't seen him in a while i was definitely not talking about anything like that. He has spoken about marriage in the future but we are not ready for that right now (we are still young). He is just in a bit of a rut right now that's all, he has not always been like this- I was just having a hard time dealing with it as I was going through things of my own. I do understand what you are saying and appreciate your efforts to help, so thank you for that! Will let u know how it goes

_________________________
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have

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