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#438583 - 06/18/13 06:03 PM Re: Premature Childhood Sexuality [Re: Magellan]
DRA Offline


Registered: 02/07/13
Posts: 47
Magellan,

I've spent several days trying to find something to say, anything that could help, but all I have is this: I've been and some days am there.

I cannot count the hours I have spent thinking about and wondering what people were like naked and in bed. I have no interest in them; it's simply a compulsion, a behavior that I learned from my abuser and the way I thought everyone behaved. I started having new experiences once I began dancing Argentine Tango.

Argentine Tango is a structured social dance with a code of conduct that makes reading "body language" infinitely more strait forward. The rules are out there for everyone to agree on:

1) Capaceo - how to ask for a dance.
2) Ask at the beginning of a Tanda (series of three to five songs)
3) Say thank you after a Tanda to stop dancing together
4) Respect everyone's personal space. If you and your partner agree, you can dance close embrace. Otherwise, dance open.
5) Be polite. There's never a reason to be rude.

That's really it. There's plenty of more subtle stuff that comes up later on, but you don't have to get involved in the social stuff unless you want to. I know that Argentine Tango has changed my experience of intimacy and friendship; how to define boundaries; and made me more comfortable with my personal space. In fact, I started dancing about six months before I began dealing with my CSA, in no small part because Argentine Tango helped me figure out what more "normal" and "appropriate" boundaries are.

It's just a thought I wanted to throw out there.

In recovery,

DRA
_________________________
Strength in power is a false victory rooted in vapid grandiosity. Strength in character and integrity is the freedom to act righteously irrespective of the surrounding pressure. True power is the presence of mind to live with character and integrity.

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#438672 - 06/19/13 05:38 PM Re: Premature Childhood Sexuality [Re: Magellan]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:40 PM)

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#438706 - 06/20/13 02:08 AM Re: Premature Childhood Sexuality [Re: Magellan]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 414
Loc: Canada
It is very hard to talk about this ... isn't it bodyguard.

I usually feel like I'm ripping myself open ... leaving myself defenseless ... a gaping wound for others to poke at ...
... forever.

You can't erase this shit !!!!

It's been my experience in MS that a lot of guys don't like to hear about my life ...
ergo ... a lot of the things I've written that never get to a tap on the 'submit' button.
There are several reasons why it's not well received ... think about it ... pick one.
I don't really care anymore ...
but of course that's a lie ... I do.
If I didn't ... I'd submit everything.

I don't talk at all about the last 6 years of my life anymore.
It scares the crap out of the young guys.
They fear ending up like me ... and worse ... ending up like me without the good things I have had ...
only the bad.

My wife ... no explanations required.
I have mentioned three ... actually it's more like two and a half ... long term relationships with guys.
There were a number of others that could have been ... but I managed to evade them.
Those started with what I meant to be quick flings ... and progressed ... for them ... from there.
C, H, and M ...
It didn't start with sex with them.
C was a co-worker who was already in a relationship. He knew that I went home after work, changed and then went out.
He would hide in the bushes across the street from my apartment and wait for to come out ...
then he'd race around the block and pretend to meet me ... just by chance. We laughed a lot about that over the years.
When C and I broke up I threw myself into the bar and nightclub scene.
Every time I turned around ... there was H.
M was a guy from my gym. I was dead serious about working out ... not standing around talking ...
so I had an undeserved reputation for being stand-offish. He lived across the street so he never changed or showered.
Next thing I know ... there he is. In the shower and the steam room.
They quite literally hunted me ...
and against my better judgement ... each time ... I was caught.

I know how this sounds ... bragging ... making myself look irresistible ... fantastic ...
blah blah blah.
It's just how it was.

Here's the point.

Why ????

To this day I really don't know why ....
I understand them wanting to be WITH me ... it was my raison d'etre.

... but why on earth did they want to stay ?!
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#438774 - 06/20/13 11:33 PM Re: Premature Childhood Sexuality [Re: Magellan]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Elizabeth Moberly argues that for some...

Homosexualiy is a reparative drive.

Maybe that's why they stayed Shy.


Edited by GoldStone (06/20/13 11:33 PM)

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#438775 - 06/20/13 11:42 PM Re: Premature Childhood Sexuality [Re: Magellan]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 414
Loc: Canada
Maybe GS ...

I would love to have a ... um ... little chat ... with Elizabeth ... yes I would ... :P
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#439160 - 06/25/13 09:00 AM Re: Premature Childhood Sexuality [Re: GoldStone]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 605
Loc: one foot out the door
Originally Posted By: GoldStone
Elizabeth Moberly argues that for some...

Homosexualiy is a reparative drive.

Maybe that's why they stayed Shy.


I read her book in high school. This is not the place for a full discussion, but it was . . . less than helpful.
_________________________
"These days I just try to keep to myself,
well aware I've lost touch with everyone else.
I understand that I'm fading away."

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#439176 - 06/25/13 11:51 AM Re: Premature Childhood Sexuality [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
Yeah, I'd just as well to stay away from any christian based psychology from a person who's never studied psychology.

I'm open ended to my sexuality, I never had a rigid clasp around my sexual orientation, and have always been open to see what bubbles up. Very very very rarely I'd found myself attracted to a girl (non sexually?). My therapist and I did talk, and he didn't have to say it, but there is a chance that homosexual feelings can exist in anyone, and heterosexual feelings can, as well.

It is what is developed (and not developed) that gets expressed or not expressed. I would like to see what lay undeveloped in me to know what else is possible in my life.

Elizabeth MAY have her finger on some semblance of truth, but as soon as Christianity (and judgment) get into the mix, I'm OUT. And I say that having grown up as a devout Christian (no more).
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#441326 - 07/19/13 03:34 AM Re: Premature Childhood Sexuality [Re: Magellan]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Yeah...I regret I mentioned moberly. i've never even read her.

I just always remember that expression

"reparative drive"

Which is all encompassing and to suggest it only applies to homosexual love is LUDICROUS.

Sorry guys.

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#441368 - 07/19/13 02:34 PM Re: Premature Childhood Sexuality [Re: Magellan]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:38 PM)

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#441423 - 07/19/13 10:16 PM Re: Premature Childhood Sexuality [Re: Magellan]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Me too Geoff.

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