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#438700 - 06/20/13 12:29 AM what i grieve because of CSA
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 758
Loc: upper south
T session was today. It was obvious my T has done some research related to male abuse victims and the impact on their lives. He even asked me to read the book he was reading so we would be reading it at the same time. Placed the order tonight so it will arrive in a couple of days. Anyone read Soul Murder ? I found it reassuring that this younger T was interested enough in me and the issue of male abuse that he is researching and learning and sharing with me his endeavors. He cares.

He asked me as part of the discussion what I grieved as a result of the CSA. I will never know exactly. I can't say it took away this chance or that chance... because life still unfolded after the walk down that path.

So what do I grieve?... I grieve the lose of that little boy because the walk down that path was the last walk he ever made in total innocence. He became forever sexualized. I grieve because of the vulgarity of that experience. I can still smell the lumber and the earth and hear the squeak of the hinges as the door opened and closed. I grieve because family failed in their duty as caregivers to watch over him.

***Trigger***

I grieve because that boy died that day, and no one cried, no one mourned... no one came to rescue him, to pull him back to safety. No one could alter this new reality. The boy was never to be the same, never to return, never to be a part of the brother group, or any group. I grieve because life was lonely and confusing and scary and burdensome for him. I grieve because I was the boy child victim of incest. I grieve because on that first encounter, that first walk, I did not survive. My soul was taken. My spirit placed in bondage. I know not the boy from that summer day. He ceased to exist.

You'll have to give me some leeway with my processing. Today was the first day I admitted to myself and to another person, that I was a victim and a participant in multiple incestuous situations over the years of growing up. I just hadn't admitted it to myself. Its confusing, its degrading. ... just admitting to myself... with each passing week of this "healing", it just gets worse. With each honest moment looking back, I find more than I wish to carry.

There always more, but I'll stop for now.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#438732 - 06/20/13 02:00 PM Re: what i grieve because of CSA [Re: ThisMan]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 300
Loc: Iowa, USA
ThisMan,

Your post is quite poignant, and I identify with so much of what you have written. I remember my life before the abuse, and how I was so innocent, ebullient, and even fearless in many regards. I would awake each day ready to live and experience as much as I could. All that changed after the abuse. I became withdrawn, and fearful. So many of the activities I was enjoyed and even lived for, I abandoned. They reminded me too much of my previous life, the life that was gone forever.

As sad as that is, it's not what I grieve most. I grieve for the fact I was sexualized before I was ready, and for the fact I had no voice in my sexualization. I was not allowed to experience the beauty of sexual encounters on my own timeline. It was forced on me by some pervert using me to get his rocks off. I never got to experience the anticipation of my first sexual encounter. I never got to pick who I would have sex with for the first time. I never got to feel my heart beating loudly in my chest as I touched another person erotically for the first time. I never got to enjoy having a throbbing erection, the thrill of penetration, or the building to orgasm with the person I wanted to be with, at a time and place I chose. I didn't get to have my first orgasm with someone I had feelings for or, might I say, someone I even loved. Instead, I had to experience my first sexual encounter while being terrorized. I had to associate the pleasure of sex with the pain of abuse. I never got to see sex as a normal, wonderful, healthy experience, but instead I had to experience it as a shameful event. It is for this that I grieve the most.

Thanks
DavO

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#438736 - 06/20/13 02:31 PM ! [Re: ThisMan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:41 PM)

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#438741 - 06/20/13 03:44 PM Re: what i grieve because of CSA [Re: ThisMan]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 545
This is such a saddening but brutally honest thread...I haven't got anything to add, just a thanks to you guys for putting the pain so eloquently into words.
_________________________
The ratio of good to bad people in this world will always be tipped in favor of the latter. Always. But that ratio in your own social circle, you can control. And there, and only there, can the balance be favorably tipped, so that those who love you far outnumber those who don't.

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#438746 - 06/20/13 05:13 PM Re: what i grieve because of CSA [Re: ThisMan]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1433
It really hits the heart. It is so sad that what has been written is so true. The pain and hurt we felt, the loss of self and the child who ceased to be who he was meant to be. For many of us we unknowingly buried the child, the child who held the pain and hurt of the abuse. All the child wanted was love including the love from ourselves. For me I buried and disowned the child within me. But he was always there looking for love and the only love he knew was that of the abuse and abuser. I grieve for the child and am learning to love the child within, so the love of abuse and the abuser no longer control that part of me.

Thank you for posting.

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#438755 - 06/20/13 08:20 PM Re: what i grieve because of CSA [Re: ThisMan]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 206
Loc: California
One of the things I grieve the most is the loss of my voice. After the abuse, I never spoke to anyone. I was awkward and shy. I was scared all the time. I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. And to this day, it is so hard for me to verbalize anything out loud. I can write it very well, but can't say it. Every time I do, I feel the lights on me, the panic, the fear, and stutter and stumble my way through replies. Especially in group situations.

It is so important to be able to communicate needs to others. But, I had the ability to speak up for myself, even in situations of extreme danger like the CSA, burned out of me.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#438766 - 06/20/13 10:31 PM Re: what i grieve because of CSA [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1046
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: ThisMan

I grieve because that boy died that day, and no one cried, no one mourned... no one came to rescue him, to pull him back to safety. No one could alter this new reality. The boy was never to be the same, never to return, never to be a part of the brother group, or any group. I grieve because life was lonely and confusing and scary and burdensome for him. I grieve because I was the boy child victim of incest. I grieve because on that first encounter, that first walk, I did not survive. My soul was taken. My spirit placed in bondage. I know not the boy from that summer day. He ceased to exist.


Hi Bill. This is a great post and it really mirrored a lot of what I've been feeling myself lately. I'm glad you shared these things and I'm glad you had the clarity and bravery to express this level of pain to us. I especially identify with the above paragraph. The only thing that is different is the incest part. There was no incest in my situation but the rest of what you expressed fit perfectly. Especially the bit about the boy you had been having been murdered. I just posted in another thread that the boy I once was is dead and lies rotting inside me. Also that the man I was supposed to be was murdered when I was still a boy and that his remains have long since turned to dust inside me, leaving a void that negative emotions and personality traits have rushed in to fill. On the one hand I hate it that anyone else has to feel this way but on the other I am glad someone understands somewhat. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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