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#438615 - 06/19/13 01:18 AM Sex and Love
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Some days I feel like I know myself very well. Other days I donít recognize myself at all. I donít act like the man who wants to be truly loved. I say I want a loving and honest friendship but I pervert my friendships and seem to always find a way to throw sex into the mix. I say I want a normal love from my father but I crave him sexually, and I let him know it. I feel like Iím a slut. All it takes is a few kind words from a man, any man, and Iím willing to do anything he wants to do. In contrast, I have pushed my boyfriend of 5 years so emotionally far away that he rarely touches me, but when he does touch me I cringe and pull away. When he tries to initiate sex, I get extremely angry. I donít understand why Iím like this. I push away the one person around me who seems to genuinely want to emotionally connect with me, but Iím consumed by (mostly pleasant) thoughts of being fucked by my guy friends, male acquaintances and my father.

Early on in life I knew that people, especially men, will inevitably lie. It never seemed to fail. The most common lie became my favorite... "I love you" ...when what he really means is, "I don't love you but I will say it if it gets you to let me fuck you." I understood people manipulate. The one thing I could always count on people to do was be dishonest, eventually. I just failed to recognize when it was happening. I still don't notice the manipulation until its over. Whether itís the adorable guy next door, my guy friends, my father, or anyone elseÖI feel like Iím either completely incapable of noticing the manipulation or too stupid to see what these people are actually doing. Or perhaps I am willing to overlook the lies in order to get a moment of love and affection, even if the love is false and the affection is empty. It doesn't feel false and empty, at least not in that moment. But I crave that lasting love. That real love. The kind of love that is given honestly and without the expectation of something sexual in return.

It almost feels like I need to give my body to men in order for them to value me. All Iíve ever been great at offering was sex. Itís all most men seem to want. Yet even the ones who seem to value me as a person and want a genuine friendship are still men, after all. I naturally assume they must want me, as conceited as that might sound, itís exactly the opposite. I value myself very little. I hate my body. I go out of my way to avoid the few mirrors that are in my home because I donít want to see myself. Ever. But all I have to offer a man is sex. If I make a new guy friend and he doesn't try to fuck me, I just donít know what to do with myself. Honestly, I feel offended in some way. I feel like if Iím to be valued at all, even if only as a friend, then they should want to have sex with me.

Why do I expect, and in a way feel like I need, for every man to want me sexually? And if I need men to desire/value me, why am I so impervious to my boyfriendís attempts at intercourse and non-sexual affection?

My boyfriend isn't a bad man at all. My friends see him as a cold, heartless, uncaring man. I see a man that I have unintentionally starved of affection and happiness to the point where he rarely shows emotion anymore. I am more comfortable accepting the lies men feed me to try to get me into bed than I am accepting the genuine love from a man who has spent the last 5 years of his life in this hell of a relationship, sacrificing everything just to stay by my side. That is real love, I suppose. Why doesn't it feel like enough?

I donít understand any of this at all. Iím not sure if any of you will be able to make sense of it either.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#438662 - 06/19/13 04:24 PM Re: Sex and Love [Re: Confuzzed]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Hey Aiden / Confuzzed,

I feel exactly the same way you do when you wrote:

"It almost feels like I need to give my body to men in order for them to value me. All Iíve ever been great at offering was sex. Itís all most men seem to want. Yet even the ones who seem to value me as a person and want a genuine friendship are still men, after all. I naturally assume they must want me, as conceited as that might sound, itís exactly the opposite. I value myself very little. I hate my body. I go out of my way to avoid the few mirrors that are in my home because I donít want to see myself. Ever. But all I have to offer a man is sex. If I make a new guy friend and he doesn't try to fuck me, I just donít know what to do with myself. Honestly, I feel offended in some way. I feel like if Iím to be valued at all, even if only as a friend, then they should want to have sex with me."

EXACTLY the same. Add to that - if I'm not attracted to another guy (and I apparently have high/shallow standards), then I don't have the time of day for them. It's as if my attractiveness gives me value, and their attractiveness gives them value, as well. Otherwise, I'm unloveable.

One step further, if it's an older guy, or a shall-we-say "comly" guy, then I almost feel a sense of disdain for them. Like "how DARE you check me out!".

I know its insane, and borderline rude (to not so attractive and/older guys).

Wish I knew how to not feel those feelings or have those sensations anymore.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#438663 - 06/19/13 04:50 PM Re: Sex and Love [Re: Confuzzed]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:38 PM)

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#438682 - 06/19/13 07:22 PM Re: Sex and Love [Re: Confuzzed]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
I'm sorry to derail with this comment - but I'm astonished that I appear to be the only gay identified "survivor" who has never had a romantic relationship.

I started feeling a little better about my severe issues when I saw how similar my issues are with other CSA survivors - but I seem to be special in that I've never had this.

I envy you that you've found people willing to spend their time with you in the first place. And I live in San Francisco, for fucks sake.

Sorry again.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#438698 - 06/20/13 12:11 AM Re: Sex and Love [Re: Magellan]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Magellan,

I'm glad someone can identify with the way I feel and think. I don't always (or rarely) understand my feelings, my thoughts, or why I feel or think these things, but knowing I'm not the only one helps tremendously. Every time I post something I go through a panic, terrified that people will think I'm crazy or weird. Although I wish none of us felt this way, knowing I'm not alone with it really does help. Hopefully we can figure all of this shit out together.

I can relate to what you added. I too wish I could figure out how to not feel these feelings anymore.

And in regards to your second post, don't apologize! I don't feel that it was that far off track, honestly. I was asking questions about relationships and your observation of your own life ties in with this discussion. Unfortunately though, I'm not as full of wisdom as many of the other guys on here so I'm not sure what to say about it. But I do appreciate you adding to the discussion and thank you for sharing.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#438699 - 06/20/13 12:19 AM Re: Sex and Love [Re: bodyguard8367]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Geoff,

As destroyed as our relationship seems most of the time, I consider myself lucky to have my current boyfriend. To be honest, most days I don't even want to see him. There is a lack of apparent love and caring towards him from me. In actuality, I'm the cold, heartless and uncaring man. But deep down I do care and I do love him, I just don't normally show it... I'm not sure why. I wish I could but I feel like I can't. I doubt I could even explain that in a way that would make sense.

When I mention him in conversation to my friends I rarely speak kindly. I spend so much of my time angry with him, even when he has done nothing wrong. But their opinions of him have been formed by them witnessing how he behaves. He is a shell of a man, emotionless and cold. But he wasn't that way when we met. I made him that way. He has been starved of affection. I feel as though I am the cruelest man who has ever lived. If you could see him, what I've done to him, you would think extremely low of me, I'm sure. I feel horrible. But there's nothing I can do about it.

Last week, after returning home from my first ever therapy session, I felt overwhelmed, raw and vulnerable. Uncharacteristically, I wasn't feeling any anger. I felt mostly fear, for some reason. That evening I went to him and hugged him. I sought out affection from him for the first time in nearly a year. It was just a simple hug, probably only lasted 15 seconds and no words were spoken, but he began to cry. I asked him why he was crying and he said he was happy. I will admit, I don't completely understand his reason for crying.

I feel a massive amount of guilt for rejecting him. I wish I could just snap my fingers and become the boyfriend I feel like he deserves. He honestly deserves a much better man than I can be. He deserves someone who can express their feelings and their love. He should be with someone normal.

I'm quickly seeing how twisted my mind is from my experiences with my father. You're right, incest warps everything. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me yet again. Everything you have said makes perfect sense. I'm always so grateful to you, Geoff.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#438744 - 06/20/13 04:49 PM Re: Sex and Love [Re: Confuzzed]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
Magellan,

If you haven't had a romantic relationship, you aren't alone. I may have had several, but still incest impacted them.

IF your own issues keep you from a romantic relationship then I bet using therapy to address some of them would make a difference. Find out what it is like to date a guy without sex. If you tell guys you want love they will move on unless they want love too. (One night stand vs relationship).

I think you have been impacted by your sexual abuse so that your needs to feel wanted center on sex. Work with a T and see if things can get better on the romantic front. I bet they can.

By the way, Magellan, Remember that it isn't a race or contest. The only important thing is for your life to improve, by degrees until it becomes a place you would like to live.

Love Geoff


Edited by bodyguard8367 (06/20/13 04:55 PM)
Edit Reason: some changes

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