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#438607 - 06/18/13 11:16 PM Why did he hurt me?
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
That's the question I asked the T today.


TRIGGERS


The perp had me completely under his power. He did everything he wanted to me and I did everything he told me to do to him, I was so scared.

And at some point, what, he looked down at a kid in that condition and thought TORTURE HIM NOW ? I was doing everything he told. And then he took over and did it to me so bad I thought I would die, when I could still think. At some point he looked down, saw a slave, and decided he'd rather have garbage instead. I can't bear to think of what I must have looked like from his POV.

I try to compartmentalize... to take stock of what I have in life. And increasingly often I can. But the pain is still there. Mindless, ruined, pain, terror, choking, smothering, head torn this way and that way and off. Not a person, no thoughts, suffocating on pain and couldn't even have screamed.

Why? Why did he hurt me? It would have always have been bad for me but as is when I re-feel / remember the first wrench forward on my head and then what he did after, it's like everything from earlier in the incident was on the other side of a door, still being done to me, a scared and disgusted me. But when THAT FEELING starts, it's.... death but you don't die. And I was so far gone, so knocked out of myself, that I don't remember turning back into me.

Am I just howling at the moon here? There's no way to ever know, is there? Just getting it wasn't enough, he wouldn't have found it worthwhile unless I was completely destroyed, unless he knew he could just about kill someone like that? Or was I not even in the picture, and more like he "had to" go that more extreme in order to be able to finish?

I hold my head, now. I crouch, I lean, I hug myself, I'm safe. It's much easier to think about WHAT happened than WHY. The WHY demands a human mind, a decision made, a decision made based on seeing me. On being able to make decisions, which I soon couldn't.

Mr. L., all us kids trusted you. I was doing what you asked. Why did you hurt me like that?


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#438612 - 06/19/13 12:03 AM Re: Why did he hurt me? [Re: SoccerStar]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 226
Loc: California
Matt,
Howl away, man! Get it out there. You may never know the answers to those questions you are asking. But, that doesn't mean they shouldn't be asked and put out there to the universe.

I have been right where you are, asking those same questions before, shaking my fist at the sky. And feeling those same feelings. Crying and pulling my hair.

The key to me is how you know it is wrong, but they did not. You cannot reason with that, or really understand it. That it is beyond your capacity to understand, is a sign of who you are.

You are showing a tremendous amount of courage in giving voice to these questions and stating the feelings. They wanted our silence. Every time you break silence, it does help on some level. It helps to put the fault squarely on their shoulders. He did this to you. You did not ask for it.

I'm right here with you, man. Witnessing your struggle and how hard it is. But also seeing your strength.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#438614 - 06/19/13 12:53 AM Re: Why did he hurt me? [Re: SoccerStar]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1146
Loc: The ATL

Hi Matt. Why did he hurt you? This Mr. L was an opportunistic sexual predator. When he had you in that situation, I don't believe he saw little Matt, or even saw a person before him at all. He only saw a fleeting opportunity to act on his sick compulsion, so he took it. If it had been another boy that had been unlucky enough to have injured himself and needed to be escorted to the privacy of the restroom, it would have happened to them and not you. I know it must be difficult to fathom that the most personal thing that has ever happened to you was, for your tormentor, probably not personal in the least. To him, you were an opportunity, not a person. Whatever pain, confusion or fear his actions were causing you and however deep the scars he was leaving were, I'd be willing to bet were the furthest things from his mind. I'll bet you probably already know that though. I only wish there were adequate words of comfort I could offer that would soften the blow of what that reality must feel like but there are not. I hope you are well and I hope that writing this helped get some of the hurt out, if only for a moment. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#438616 - 06/19/13 02:16 AM Re: Why did he hurt me? [Re: SoccerStar]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
To tough to respond, Matt, but wanted you to know I also hear you. Your story does trigger and I am so very sorry and you are right... you are safe now.

b
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#438619 - 06/19/13 03:07 AM Re: Why did he hurt me? [Re: SoccerStar]
Dave PNW Offline


Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 121
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Matt, I struggle to come up with any adequate words I can offer to help you answer this question. That part of us that sees a child as a beautiful, trusting, innocent person must have been dead and gone inside this man. For you, a loving father and husband, who has committed his life energy to being a giver, teacher, nurturer, protector of life, I can only imagine how impossible it must be to comprehend this. Brutality on this scale defies our human understanding. I ache tonight reading your words. All I can offer is my simple hope that you get through this day by day and eventually arrive in a place where this pain gets easier. Someplace where your need to know the unanswerable is replaced by peace and healing. We are here for you and grieve for what you lost. Dave

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#438635 - 06/19/13 08:10 AM Re: Why did he hurt me? [Re: SoccerStar]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 605
Matt, I don't have much to offer. I'm really sorry you had to go through all of this. If you are really searching for that answer, simplistically, I would say it was profound envy and jealousy on part of your perpetrator that motivated him to brutally abuse you. You were a good kid...vital, full of life and innocent...and he was compelled to destroy it; something must've been broken inside that man to abuse you, but you were stronger and better - it didn't break you. It hurts to think about the pain you're going through.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

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#438638 - 06/19/13 08:37 AM Re: Why did he hurt me? [Re: SoccerStar]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 811
Loc: michigan
hey matt.
I am so sorry that you have this pain to deal with. I think it is helpful to remember that rape is NOT about sex. it is about power. the perp felt he had that power and used it in a horrible way and you are left to pay the price. he would have done the same in whatever circumstance because it was all about him having that power. there is no understanding some of this because it is inherently senseless.but I so hope you can find peace with it
Jeff
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#438640 - 06/19/13 09:51 AM Re: Why did he hurt me? [Re: SoccerStar]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1782
Matt

I am sorry for your pain. But that is what the perp does, he not only inflicts sexual and physical abuse but also emotional and psychological abuse. We compartmentalize the abuse--many of us dissociate and leaves this part of us behind to live the abuse and pain. But over time this part somehow emerges for many of us--cause pain, hurt, and other issues from dissociation from life, fugues, acting out and so much more. Why they are beginning to learn how the mind deals with trauma--but they have much work to do.

You need to let it out, talk and relieve yourself of the shame because it was not your fault. With healing and accept the abuse and everything that was done to you, you will help set yourself free of the bas***d. Keeping the pain in through silence only allows the abuser to continue to control you--there will always be pain but it will not be so consuming if you continue to heal.

Best wishes

Kevin

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#438648 - 06/19/13 12:06 PM Re: Why did he hurt me? [Re: SoccerStar]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 755
Loc: Southeast USA
Matt,

I've asked that same question for twenty eight years and do not have a satisfactory answer because I have never been able to ask the one, the subnormal who did those things to me. There is no excuse and no rationale that justifies why Mr. L did that to you. His behavior was base, vile and in no way reflects who you were and who you are. He was in all likelihood an opportunist who pounced.

These physical recollections perhaps are a sign of continued progress. They were always with you, but you are now exorcising those feelings by expressing them to yourself and to your T.

I would like answers for my own encounter with the Beast. Even if given the opportunity to speak to Pythia at Delphi, I would expect no answer that could make sense.

Although I so much want to study the Beast--its habits, its mannerisms as a detached field observer, I just can't separate the Who, What and Why of the Episode. If I asked the subnormal Beast itself, I'm certain I would receive an unintelligible answer. The garble might be a half-hearted apology, or an outright denial. But, in dealing with the Beast, I have to heed the warning of "There Be Dragons" because it might turn and answer my query with a gleam in its eye.

Matt, you are making great strides with this stuff. Running a race is tiring. You will stumble, but you still get up and move forward. I'm talking about YOU the individual, not a collective "you." YOU have shown you can tackle adversity of all sorts and still emerge from the scuffle. You're a bit bruised, but you prevailed. Tackle those questions as you see fit, or put them aside for another day. In time you may discover that the Beast can only growl---that it has nothing coherrent to say to you. It is subnormal---you are not.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#438650 - 06/19/13 12:23 PM Re: Why did he hurt me? [Re: SoccerStar]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
Mr. L., all us kids trusted you. I was doing what you asked. Why did you hurt me like that?
Matt


Oh man, what a difficult question. Trough your words Matt I can see still that boy left alone, hurting deeply inside and ruthlessly betrayed by that monster. So many heavy emotions in that simple line and such hurtful picture frown

I would like to tell younger Matt that comprehensive answer will not be given. I'm very sorry that hurts him so much. His parents taught him to be always good; he did everything that was asked and now don't understand why he is left like punished.

Please Matt go out, try to play, look to nature and animals and whatever other kids do... Everything is alright.
And don't forget that some people are worthless, mean and evil. Their place shouldn't be among vulnerable kids and someone failed heavily by allowing such things to happen.
_________________________
My story

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