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#438311 - 06/15/13 10:00 PM Life seems so unreal
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 192
I donít really know whatís wrong with me right now. I think itís pretty much been since an incident last month that caused me to completely dissociate, my life just feels unreal. On the surface it seems like Iíve been doing a lot of good work. Like spending time with my younger cousins, it put into perspective how young I had really been and how I couldnít keep blaming myself for what happened. I read some stuff here that made me rethink a lot of things, like about my purpose in life, that there has to be a reason that I survived all this stuff and Iím still here. Those seem like good and important things, but they seem like thoughts that are just outside of me, like I thought them, but I didnít really take them in.

Yesterday I had my first therapy appointment, but it seemed like a waste of time. I donít even know why I was there. I talked to one person here about one thing that happened to me, and that really seems like enough. I donít want or need to talk about anything else now. I waited a long time for this appointment, and I kept thinking about things I had to talk about, but by the time I got there none of those things were important any more. Somehow I skipped through time without noticing and I donít remember going home from there. All I remember is walking in the door at home. Lately my life seems to be full of gaps where I donít remember how I got from one place to another.

I quit college, mostly on the spur of the moment. It just feels like Iím not really here so why do I need college. My girlfriend is going to spend most of the summer in a different country and I canít work up enough energy to care. I know that sounds terrible. I donít like to come here and complain, but Iíd really like to feel like Iím actually present in my own life. It's a really creepy feeling to only be half here. You know, after having my life controlled by other people, I actually own it now but it feels so fake.

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#438325 - 06/16/13 12:13 AM Re: Life seems so unreal [Re: txb]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Please un-quit college.

I know you've been through one horrible betrayal after another and that you've been knocked out of an immediate connection to your life.

You deserve to feel better, and veering away from a major source of order and guidance is probably not the best way to do that.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#438340 - 06/16/13 03:59 AM Re: Life seems so unreal [Re: txb]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 594
I took a year off in the middle of college and it was a good thing for me. It all depends on the why I suppose. Its definitely not good to be away from support structures.

I'm no shrink, but what you describe sounds a lot like depersonalization disorder. All those dissociation and PTSD things tend to go together, so its not like having a name for it is going to fix all the problems. But it can be a start.

I'd suggest when you go to therapy, you print out what you wrote and bring it. Maybe dealing with the past directly isn't the first thing to deal with. Maybe its dealing with feeling like you are half there. Or maybe the reason you feel half there has more to do with the past than you realize. I don't know, but therapy is for you so if your main issue right now is feeling disconnected from your life don't be afraid to bring that up as something you want to work on.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#438373 - 06/16/13 01:44 PM Re: Life seems so unreal [Re: txb]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 214
Loc: California
Hey txb,
Sorry to hear about your experiences lately, and wish things were going better for you.

I do that numbing out thing and dissociate at times too. It can feel so weird to feel out of your body and not really THERE all the time.

I would really encourage you not to give up too quickly on therapy, especially with issues you stated with having your life controlled by others. It is hard at first not to see your T as an authority figure, rather than a partner in healing. Maybe the T triggered that in you. Or maybe you uncovered something in that first session that you have not internalized yet that may have resulted in dissociating a bit. Either way, I think you owe it to yourself to try to keep going and figure out the answer to that.

It took me a good 2 or 3 months to start feeling good about it. It is hard to open up to someone, and even harder when you know you have limited time to get out all you may want to say. I freaked out after my first few sessions because I felt like I wanted someone to take this away from me, and all the T did was nod and shake her head and offer support. It wasn't until much later that I realized the T is not there to wave a wand to make it all go away. She was there to help and offer guidance on where I was and what I was doing about it.

That being said, I do come to my T with lists of things I want to talk about. Granted I see her every 2 or sometimes 3 weeks, so a lot can go down in that time. But, now I value my T sessions because of the sense of direction it gives me to what would otherwise be me floating around in my head with no guidance.

I might re-think college once you are more centered, since you said it was spur of the moment. Wait a few days and re-evaluate. But, by all means if you need the time off, then take it. Just make sure you are grounded as much as possible in the reasons why.

I hope you find your way to a more focused sense of reality. I know it can be really scary when you stop feeling like you care about things. That is classic depression, and I have been there, too.

But, you DID care enough to post about it here and lend a voice to your concerns. That is a very important. And a good first step to taking action to reverse it, if you ask me.

Good luck, txb. You do own your life and you do deserve to care about it and yourself.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#438382 - 06/16/13 04:45 PM Re: Life seems so unreal [Re: txb]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL

Hi Txb. Man, I'm really sorry to hear how things are going at the moment. I wish you hadn't quit college, although I understand. I certainly hope you will consider going back as soon as possible. I know you told me you were making acceptable grades and I'd hate to see you throw away a chance at better future. I think you have a very sharp and creative mind and that you have a unique and colorful way of looking at the world. Getting a college education could lead you to a path in life where you could better put your natural abilities to use. I hope you don't throw that opportunity away.

Just remember that the longer you wait to go back, the harder it's going to be to pick back up down the road somewhere. I'd hate to see you do what I did. That being drop out then find a dead-end job that simply pays the rent and bills and become complacent in it. You don't want to wake up one day and find yourself in your late 30s with a shitty job and no hope of a better life.

I don't know what to tell you about the missing time stuff but it definitely concerns me greatly. Please go back to your therapist and tell them everything you just told us. Let them know exactly what is happening and see what they have to say. This is very important. You need to get to the bottom of this.

I'm sorry to hear about your girlfriend going away in the middle of all this. I know that can't be easy. Just remember that right now you're going through problems that relate to your CSA combined with problems that are relatively normal for someone your age but still tough. The combination is not an easy one to handle. Believe me, I know. A lot of people I know refer to their late teens/early 20s as being the best time of their lives and when I hear people say that I almost have to ask them what planet they grew up on. For me, that period of my life was absolutely hellish, but I survived it. I am certain that you will survive it too. Just keep talking to us and know that we are here for you. Also, lean on your therapist as much as you can. I know it may have felt like your initial session was pointless but I bet that will change if you just keep going and keep talking to them. Take care buddy. I hope you are feeling a little better about things at the moment. Peace,

Ken

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#438387 - 06/16/13 05:52 PM ! [Re: txb]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:38 PM)

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#438553 - 06/18/13 10:56 AM Re: Life seems so unreal [Re: txb]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 192
Thanks so much for the replies. It means a lot.

I can't un-quit college. They probably already gave my place to someone else. I know it seems bad but it's a good thing really. I found out I have the same tutor as last year and she's hated me from the start. For no real reason that I can see, other than the fact the social worker guy I have got me on the course. Maybe she felt like I shouldn't have been there. I feel like this whole year has been a waste of time. I'm going to take some part time courses. And I just found out that you can take part time classes at art school and certain ones have credits you can put towards a degree. I just think it sounds like a better plan.

It was probably about this time last year that I got diagnosed with depersonalisation disorder, then in September I got put on antipsychotics, which really really doesn't help. I've never really felt so disconnected for so long though. Even looking in the mirror it doesn't seem like it's me any more. I think it will help if I get off the drugs or get them changed for something less zombifying.

I think I will print off my post and take it with me next time I go to therapy. It's a start. I did like this woman, and I picked her because she seemed to have experience in issues that I have. Then I actually got there and I just couldn't think of what to say. My aunt is paying for this so I'm worried that I am wasting her money. I have to do something constructive there or just not go at all.

Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it.

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#438554 - 06/18/13 11:03 AM Re: Life seems so unreal [Re: txb]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
There are no deadlines for therapy. Just spending the first session talking about other stuff is a well-recognized and well-expected means of building rapport and trust.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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