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#438507 - 06/17/13 10:59 PM The Elevator Accident
BraveFalcon Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1089
Loc: The ATL
This is going to be one of those posts that has anyone who reads it thinking, "Where the hell is Ken going with this?" Yeah, yeah.... just stick with me.

Several weeks ago I had lunch with an old friend and coworker of mine who I hadn't seen in over a year. I met this old friend of mine when we worked together many years ago but he has since moved back to his home town of Chicago, where most of his family also lives. In all the years I've known this guy, I've never met or even heard him speak very much about either of his parents. During our lunch, however, he brought up his dad and mentioned that his father had been permanently disabled in an old work-related accident. This was the first time he's ever told me anything about this.

Apparently, about thirty years ago, my friend's father worked for an elevator repair company. Somehow, while working in a elevator shaft, this guy had his arm underneath an elevator that dropped down and smashed his arm completely. According to my friend, it was a freak accident. The elevator, that must have weighed several thousand pounds, literally just destroyed this guy's arm. Every bone was completely pulverized.

After being examined by doctors, my friend's dad was told that there was nothing they could do to save his arm. No amount of surgery or physical therapy could or would ever repair it or make it usable or useful again. He was given the option to have it amputated but decided against it. Now, I didn't even know that happened. I thought when they had to amputate a limb it was always because there was no other option but, according to my friend, that's not what his father was told. The doctors told my friend's dad that he could choose to keep the arm but that it would never be anything but all fucked-up and gimpy. (Although, I am going to go out on a limb and say that's probably not the terminology that the doctors used.)

So, to this day, that arm is still attached to this guy's body. He doesn't have much feeling in it and can't use it at all but it remains a part of him. His arm is a smashed, twisted and useless appendage, but it is still a part of him. The only happy part of his story is that he was able to retire with the money he won in the resulting lawsuit and still lives off that money to this day.

On my way home that day, my brain suddenly drew what seemed like a natural analogy between my friend's father's story and my own. In a way, my sexuality and my psychosexual self is much like that guy's arm. My childhood sexual trauma, my premature sexualization, my CSA, was the elevator. My childhood sexual experiences smashed, pulverized and destroyed my sexuality. There is nothing that can be done to save it or fix it. No amount of therapy or medication will ever repair the damage that was done. The prognosis is hopeless and absolute. My sexual self is completely and utterly twisted, ugly, ruined and unusable now. It is "all fucked-up and gimpy" and always will be.

There are three ways, however, in which the analogy does not fit.

One, my friend's dad doesn't have much feeling in his arm. It doesn't cause him much pain, discomfort or distress. My sexual self, on the other hand, is anything but painless. It hurts, and the pain it causes me torments me every singe fucking day, affecting everything in my world. Not one single aspect of my life goes untouched by the injury.

Two, my friend's dad had the option of amputating his arm and probably still does. I am bound to my sexual self. I would just lop it the fuck off if I could, but I can't. It is irrevocably and unavoidably a part of me. It is my curse. It is and always will be my burden to bare, tormenting me every single day until the day death mercifully finds me and ends my decades-long sentence on this shithole of a planet.

Three, my friend's dad's arm weighs what a normal arm weighs. My sexuality weighs much more than a normal sexuality. It is so heavy. It weights me down, making it difficult to function like a normal person. It's such a burden. I'm so tiered of carrying it. I am so tiered of struggling every day just to get through. I am so tiered of dragging this weight around with me everywhere and I want to just kill it or cut it off but I can't. I am so fucking tiered of struggling through each day only to "survive" and go on to struggle again each and every subsequent day. It all seems so pointless. I am so fucking tiered of it and of this GOD-FORSAKEN LIFE!!!!

I came up with that analogy weeks ago and initially thought I would post about it but had decided not to until now. I figured the analogy was kind of stupid and that it wouldn't completely make sense to anyone else. I finally decided to go ahead and post about it tonight anyway. I don't know why. Things are not good right now and I just needed to unload. It's hard to explain the things that are going on with me right now or the things that go on in my head much of the time. This post was the only way I could think of to do that so, there it is. I wish I could express these things more accurately and directly but I can't. I'm sorry. Goodnight. Peace,

Ken


Edited by BraveFalcon (02/26/14 09:31 PM)

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#438520 - 06/18/13 12:25 AM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Ken,

It's a tragic story for your friend's dad, but the analogy works. It was not stupid, but very insightful and it makes perfect sense to me. You did an excellent job. And it is hard to carry the weight of the abuse every day. But what else can we do. There are times when it becomes a lightened load, but it is always to be carried.

I know from recent experience that the mind becomes so busy with sorting and dealing with this stuff, that it is exhausting and continually confusing. And it is tiring, and it is a struggle sometimes to hold the head up and make it thru the day only to get up the next morning and repeat. But we must.

Life isn't pointless, Ken... there are moments, however fleeting, in which we experience the good in life. And hopefully those moments will expand and become days and maybe even for the rest of our lives. That's why we move through the chaos into the not so chaotic. So we can experience the tomorrows.

I hope your mind settles down, and things improve for you. Sounds like a really tough time. Just know it will get better.


Edited by ThisMan (06/18/13 12:26 AM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#438611 - 06/19/13 12:01 AM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline
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Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1089
Loc: The ATL
Hi Bill. Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my post. As I feared, it obviously didn't really resonate with anybody but that's ok. I didn't really expect it to. I'm kind of a freak and there are certain things that go on with me that are very difficult to express to other people, even here. So, sometimes I wind up writing weird shit like this, grasping at analogies and tugging at my thoughts, and am left feeling like I didn't really communicate what I had intended to in the first place. Oh well.

Originally Posted By: ThisMan
It was not stupid, but very insightful and it makes perfect sense to me. You did an excellent job. And it is hard to carry the weight of the abuse every day. But what else can we do. There are times when it becomes a lightened load, but it is always to be carried.


I suppose. It's not like we have any choice. Although, for me, it's not the weight of the abuse itself that is so oppressive but the weight of the resulting complications. Perhaps those two things are part in parcel to one another but I don't really spend to much time these days thinking about the abuse itself. It has been long since I've spent much time agonizing over the memories of my childhood. Those memories are bad, and they always will be. Those memories hurt to think about, and they always will. However, it's the man I am now that's the problem. The confused little boy that I was is long since dead now and lies rotting inside me.

The little boy I once was isn't all that's dead though. The man I was supposed to be, the man I would have been, was murdered while I was still that little boy. The man I was supposed to be sexually, emotionally, socially and probably even professionally was murdered when I was a boy and lay rotting inside me before I even hit puberty. By the time I hit adulthood, that potential man had rotted into only bones, then away into dust. The void that was left by the space he once occupied was filled with the only thing there was left to fill it with, a chaotic shit storm of negative feelings and personality traits. Anxiety, despair, rage, regret, dysfunction, sickness, shame, hate, anger, isolation, etc. The list goes on. There is no fix.


Originally Posted By: ThisMan
Life isn't pointless, Ken... there are moments, however fleeting, in which we experience the good in life.


Here and there, maybe. Saying "life isn't pointless" is kind of relative to who's life your talking about though. Some people have lots of things to live for. Careers, achievements, wives, kids, goals, families, a great sex life, a bright future, etc. Those people have real things to live for. I, on the other hand, have to find shit to live for. Mostly dumb shit. Let's see... beer, one of my sports teams winning, getting to relax and play a little XBOX on the weekend, the occasional moment of brief serenity I have on a day off or rare vacation, petting one of my cats, ummmm.... beer. You know, whatever little bit of superficial happiness that I can corral and hold onto for a fleeting moment or two. That's what I live for. I suppose there is some point to that, in an extremely relative sense.

Sorry, I went off on another tangent there. I'm not sure why I even post stuff like this as I know it isn't helpful to anyone. It's just me bitching and crying about my stupid fucking life. There is no viable solution to any of this so why am I even putting it out there? It's not like I'm even asking for advise. I'm just unloading on the board because I can't do it anywhere else. Sorry. Thanks again for responding. Take care. Peace,

Ken



Edited by BraveFalcon (06/19/13 01:00 AM)

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#438673 - 06/19/13 06:01 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:43 PM)

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#438716 - 06/20/13 10:11 AM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
bodyguard8367 Offline
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Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:44 PM)

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#438761 - 06/20/13 09:40 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: bodyguard8367]
BraveFalcon Offline
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Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1089
Loc: The ATL
Hi Geoff. I'm sorry if my post was kind of a downer. I didn't mean to make anyone more depressed than they already are. It's just that there are things that go on with me, issues I have, that are very hard to safely explain to other people. I know I can probably go from being one of the goofiest people on this site to one of the most bleak and I imagine that may be hard for others to reconcile or to understand or make sense of. I'm like that in real life to, although most people other than my closest (few) friends only see the goofy side. Most do not know how dark and fucked-up the inside of my head is.

As you probably already know, I dropped out of therapy a long time ago and never went back. In therapy I came to terms with the reality that I had been sexually abused and for the first time worked on walking through some of that pain and trauma. During my year and a half in therapy, I felt I was also essentially doing a lot of damage assessment. I assessed the the damage, calculated the cost, and saw without a doubt that the damage was irreparable. There was going to be no fix or cure for the damage that had been done. Not with ten lifetimes of therapy. So, I stopped going and never went back.

Now I couldn't see a therapist if I wanted to. I simply can't afford one. However, even if I could afford one, I'm not sure what the point would be. I can't, for the life of me, imagine what more healing there is to be done in my case on any kind of a realistic level. Maybe if these things had been caught in my early teens or something there would have been some hope but now the demons have sunk their teeth in to deep and for to long. They are a part of me now and, in a sense, they are me now.

If I somehow and for some reason did wind up back in therapy, I don't know what my goals would be but I know for certain one of them would not be to eventually have a sexual/romantic relationship with another person. I know I will never want that. The world of adult sexuality is an intensely uncomfortable and alien place to me. In a way, it's even kind of gross to me. It's disgusting. I want a romantic relationship with someone about as much as I want a malignant tumor in my brain. The one and only girlfriend I've ever had broke up with me after a year and I've never been more relieved than I was the night she dumped me. I wondered what took her so long. How the hell did she put up with my aloofness, my cluelessness and my crippling sexual timidity for a fucking year?

To be honest, even if I were to "try" having a relationship again, it wouldn't be fair to the person I was trying with. They would basically just be another guinea pig, like my first and only girlfriend was. That's exactly what she was for me. An experiment that I knew going in would fail. I fucking wasted a year of her life to see if maybe I could make a romantic/sexual relationship with another person work when I pretty much knew going in that I could not. So, that said, anyone who would be compassionate and accepting enough to love someone like me naturally deserves someone better than me. No one deserves to be subject to that and I won't do it to anyone else. That's like cruel and unusual punishment.

I almost think I should delete my posts to this thread. Not because they aren't real, or aren't what I meant to say or anything like that but because they aren't helpful at all. I'm just spewing my gloom and my internal, self-hating vitriol out onto the board. I'm sorry about that it's just that this is the only place I can really do it. I'm honestly sorry for bothering any of you with this. Thank you though Bill and Geoff for reading it and responding to it. It is nice to feel like someone out there is listening at all, even though I didn't have anything constructive to say. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#438816 - 06/21/13 10:19 AM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
bodyguard8367 Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:44 PM)

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#438835 - 06/21/13 03:59 PM ! [Re: BraveFalcon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:57 PM)

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#438909 - 06/22/13 07:44 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1089
Loc: The ATL

Hi Gary. Thanks for the reply and for your insight and your kind words. When I said I was thinking about deleting my posts to this thread, I was only doing so in a moment of frustration and disappointment. It's not like I want other people to feel the way I do about life, sexuality and the scars left by CSA but when I realize that few others here do, I just feel increasingly isolated. Like maybe I really am all alone in this. It's like others have the potential to move forward, make progress and heal but I do not. Not in any meaningful sense, anyway.

Then I start to think, "Oh God, maybe I shouldn't be posting here at all". I mean, all of these people are here trying to heal and recover and all I'm doing is spewing negativity, hopelessness and basically, even Nihilism to some extent. So, I start to feel like maybe I'm a little bit of a cancer on the board and that my participation is not only not helpful but even harmful to other survivors. In posts where I am truly honest about how feel about my life and the world around me, I wind up feeling and sounding like Happy Time Harry from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.*

This is who and what I am though. I have never posted anything to be dramatic or to garner sympathy or to depress people or drag them down. This is real. This is who I am. There is no light at the end of my tunnel and there never will be. I've accepted that and I'm ok with it, but it still hurts and I still need to open up and show the world how dark things are on the inside from time to time, and this is the best place I've found to do it. Really the only place anymore.

*I realize very few of you are going to know who Happy Time Harry is. (Happy Time Harry) I totally relate to that character a lot of the time. Although, I've never been to jail and don't have a parole officer.

Meatwad: "You know Happy Time, just bein' around you kinda makes me wanna die."

Take care all. Sorry if I'm a cancer on the board. Sorry if I'm "Happy Time Harry". I don't mean to be. Peace,

Ken

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#438927 - 06/22/13 10:07 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Hey, guys...and Ken. I appreciate reading the follow up comments. I wanted to just add some more thoughts.

Ken, you are like so not alone with this stuff you are feeling. I feel most of it.

"It's just that there are things that go on with me, issues I have, that are very hard to safely explain to other people. ....one of the goofiest people...to one of the most bleak .... I'm like that in real life to, although most people... only see the goofy side. Most do not know how dark and fucked-up the inside of my head is."

Ken, you just described me. I wonder often how people who know me would react if they knew how broken I really was. Fearful of rejection, I continue to cruise along making folks laugh and feel at ease while at the same time, I am crumbling inside.

"I'm a little bit of a cancer on the board and that my participation is not only not helpful but even harmful..."

That's me... not metropolitan enough, or suburban enough, or well-spoken enough, or versed in psychology enough, or rural enough or on and on and on...and my abuses are not important enough or I am too old or too exposed to sexual assaults or on and on... I even used the word cancer in an early post- and someone set me straight in a heart beat. Not a cancer- and not harmful... someone can always relate...... and the same goes for you. Here I am, telling you directly, that I feel the same way a lot of the time. I can relate. And I even on occasion delete a post... 'cause I become that fearful.

"... even if I were to "try" having a relationship again, it wouldn't be fair to the person I was trying with..."

That's me... who would want someone so used and so abused and so fucked up? And who would want someone now so fearful of intimacy. Sex is still good until there is an instance of dominance or aggression- which is inevitable while having sex. And then the embarrassment happens (and you know what I mean). I could not tell you the last time I was one of two in which both had "happy endings". I just can't. Thats what the rapes have done to me. They have stolen the pleasure of sex.

Ken, there's so much more that I could point out and say I feel the same way about, but suffice it to say that most of what you feel, I feel myself. I can't trust. Sometimes I wonder if I can feel love. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever love another person on an intimate level again.

And as far as therapy is concerned, after 7 months, at once a week, I now cry each session. I am beginning to understand just what the fuck was done to me, my future, and all that became altered. And I can say the pain and the grief are real. Polly Ann can't color it away.

You are so caring and so cool to everyone on this board. Don't ever forget that you have touched me... and I got to see from the top of the lighthouse on Tybee Is... would not have happened because of my fear of heights if not for you!

My final words to you on this... NOT A CANCER and who the heck o pete is Happy Time Harry....???? (I almost read the article in the link, but decided against it after the first few lines...lol.... sorry).
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#438992 - 06/23/13 06:03 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1089
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: ThisMan
Ken, you just described me. I wonder often how people who know me would react if they knew how broken I really was. Fearful of rejection, I continue to cruise along making folks laugh and feel at ease while at the same time, I am crumbling inside.


Amen! Exactly. When a part of you is physically broken like my friend's dad's arm, everyone can see that something bad happened to you once. When the damage is to your mind/psyche/soul no one knows just by looking at you at you've been harmed. No one knows what the wounds look like or can fathom how badly they hurt at times. It's a lonely feeling, although in my case, it's probably a good thing no one can see the scars. They are ugly as hell.

Originally Posted By: ThisMan
I even used the word cancer in an early post- and someone set me straight in a heart beat.


I think I remember you telling me about that. I have family members who have been touched by cancer as well and I wouldn't refer to the disease trivially. However, I more meant cancer in the other sense. For example, when a pro athlete like Terrell Owens has a shitty attitude that is bad for team chemistry, people will often say "He's a cancer in the locker room". That's more what I meant.

Originally Posted By: ThisMan
That's me... who would want someone so used and so abused and so fucked up? And who would want someone now so fearful of intimacy. Sex is still good until there is an instance of dominance or aggression- which is inevitable while having sex. And then the embarrassment happens (and you know what I mean). I could not tell you the last time I was one of two in which both had "happy endings". I just can't. Thats what the rapes have done to me. They have stolen the pleasure of sex.


Yes, sex was ruined for me a long time ago. I have never really enjoyed even one of the sexual experiences I've had as an adult, or ever for that matter. I get more pleasure out of masturbating or using a sex toy. Much more. Also, when I have had sex as an adult, pretty much the only way it can ever happen at all is if and when the woman involved completely dominates the experience. I don't mean in an SM/BD kind of way. I just mean that they have to make all the moves, do all the work and completely take control. Basically I have to just sit back and let them molest me. It's the only way I know how. Sorry if that triggers.

Originally Posted By: ThisMan
Ken, there's so much more that I could point out and say I feel the same way about, but suffice it to say that most of what you feel, I feel myself. I can't trust. Sometimes I wonder if I can feel love. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever love another person on an intimate level again.


I won't. I can't, and I'm done trying. Why even bother? It just doesn't make sense to. I am not exactly a happy person always being alone but I am at least comfortable that way. I don't have to share my life. I don't have to share my bed. I don't have to have someone always wanting to touch me and I don't have to meet anyone's emotional/sexual needs.

That doesn't mean I don't feel love at all. I love my cats. I love my parents, siblings, niece and nephews. I love the few friends I have and I love their kids. I love my favorite teams. I just don't relationship/romance/intimacy love anyone and I don't know how. I don't even really know what that feels like to be honest.

Originally Posted By: ThisMan
You are so caring and so cool to everyone on this board. Don't ever forget that you have touched me... and I got to see from the top of the lighthouse on Tybee Is... would not have happened because of my fear of heights if not for you!


I appreciate that you would say that. It's hard for me to believe people when they say nice things to me. I always think they are just trying to be nice make me feel better. Still, it does help to hear encouraging words and I appreciate it.

Originally Posted By: ThisMan
My final words to you on this... NOT A CANCER and who the heck o pete is Happy Time Harry....???? (I almost read the article in the link, but decided against it after the first few lines...lol.... sorry).


Happy Time Harry is a bit-part character in a late night adult cartoon I watch called Aqua Teen Hunger Force. He actually only appears in two episodes. Happy Time Harry is an angry, bitter, Nihilistic, suicidally depressed talking doll who manages to depress and drag down anyone he comes in contact with. He is missing a hand and has a switchblade in it's place that he uses to cut himself with. I freaking love that character! As I've stated before, most people who know me superficially think I'm just some silly-ass goofball but when I'm honest about life, the world and where I see myself in it, I sound just like Happy Time Harry......

This is him dousing himself with gasoline and daring one of the other characters in the show to set him on fire with a blowtorch........



Yeah, that's me! Good ol' Happy Time Harry! Ha ha!

Thanks again Bill and the rest of you for responding and for all of your kind words and insight. I really do appreciate it. Take care. Peace,

Ken


Edited by BraveFalcon (06/23/13 06:08 PM)

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#439045 - 06/23/13 11:01 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
nolan79 Offline


Registered: 06/22/13
Posts: 32
Loc: sc, united states
Ken, that analogy just described me better than my mother could ever do. Living with this affected mind is pure torture. I pray for peace everyday, and on the days I get it, I go nuts. Its as if the images, the flashbacks, anxiety, and the irrational fears never take a rest. People see me everyday, and have no idea of the pain or torture I live with. Since finding this site, I have been able to pull a piece of understanding from my pain, and be at home with the fact that someone else is struggling just like me......that i'm not alone. Being alone with this sort of problem is hell.........a secret with that weighs as much as the world itself. I pray you find peace with your situation.
_________________________
Every hidden secret will eventually find light

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#439134 - 06/24/13 08:58 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: nolan79]
BraveFalcon Offline
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Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1089
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: nolan79
Ken, that analogy just described me better than my mother could ever do. Living with this affected mind is pure torture. I pray for peace everyday, and on the days I get it, I go nuts. Its as if the images, the flashbacks, anxiety, and the irrational fears never take a rest. People see me everyday, and have no idea of the pain or torture I live with. Since finding this site, I have been able to pull a piece of understanding from my pain, and be at home with the fact that someone else is struggling just like me......that i'm not alone. Being alone with this sort of problem is hell.........a secret with that weighs as much as the world itself. I pray you find peace with your situation.


Hi Nolan. Thanks. Peace in my situation? Whether or not I've found peace in my situation or could ever find it is a matter of how you define peace. Within my mind there is never complete peace and I don't think there ever will be. Not until I one day take my last breath and all brain function ceases. When it comes to the darkest and most pressing issue I have, the one that torments me the most, in a way I can say I have made peace with it but that's not to say it necessarily torments me any less. I have made peace with the fact that this is the way I am and will always be and I have accepted it as my reality. I have made piece with the stark reality that I am bound to my affliction and that there is no cure. It still hurts like hell though, every single day. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#461508 - 02/25/14 09:44 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
BraveFalcon Offline
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Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1089
Loc: The ATL

Today is my one year anniversary at MS. In commemoration of this, I am bumping two of my old threads on this board that are my favorite. That way, perhaps some of the newer members whom I've gotten to know more recently can take a peek at them.

At first I hated this thread and almost went back and deleted all my posts in it. Now, I actually really like this thread. After re-reading it, I think I managed to express a lot of my deepest, darkest problems here without actually out-right saying what they were. (Still can't really do that here. Not completely anyway.) Hopefully someone who hasn't already can take the time to read some of it, although I don't expect anyone to read the whole thread as it is a lot to read.

Thanks guys for being there for the last year. Peace,

Ken

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#461521 - 02/25/14 11:38 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
Ken -
i am not sure that "congratulations" is the right thing to say. nor "glad to have you with us." i guess the best i can come up with is this - your companionship has been a welcome help, support, encouragement and comfort to me and to many others. well done in sticking with us. this is a significant milestone.

wishing you the best possible life - under the circumstances!
- lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#461530 - 02/26/14 01:37 AM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 578
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Ken,

I'm going to say happy anniversary and that I'm glad that you are here. I just finished reading the entire post, and find your clarity and honesty refreshing. Your dark humor makes me laugh, of course not laughing at you, but my own dark humor has helped me keep my head above water. I'll be 65 in June, and am pleased and surprised to still be here and not permanently lost in my own dark labyrinth.

And, anyway, who says that a romantic sexual psychic connection with another human is the ultimate expression of being human. For me, having a romantic sexual psychic connection with myself is the ultimate expression of me being human. I'm still working on all three, but I have made some progress over the years and have recently actually seen a possible ray of hope.

I find your posts very grounding for me. There is an identification with your journey that makes me feel less alone, more a part of a tribe, and gives me a feeling of team spirit.

Thanks,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#461598 - 02/26/14 10:04 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: don64]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1089
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: traveler

i am not sure that "congratulations" is the right thing to say. nor "glad to have you with us." i guess the best i can come up with is this - your companionship has been a welcome help, support, encouragement and comfort to me and to many others. well done in sticking with us. this is a significant milestone


Thank you Lee. Thank you and thank you to everyone who has been there for me over the last year. You guys have a high tolerance for someone who can spew some negativity and I appreciate it.

Originally Posted By: don64
Your dark humor makes me laugh, of course not laughing at you, but my own dark humor has helped me keep my head above water. I'll be 65 in June, and am pleased and surprised to still be here and not permanently lost in my own dark labyrinth.


Thank you Don and thank you for reading. While I hate it that anyone can relate to this stuff, I find solace in that fact that others do. Also, there is nothing wrong with having a dark sense of humor about your own pain from time to time. It's not how everyone deals with these things, but it's how some of us need to, and that's ok. If I hadn't found a way to find some laughter in even the darkest places in my life, I would have blown my fucking brains out a long time ago. Just wired that way is all.

Originally Posted By: don64
I'm still working on all three, but I have made some progress over the years and have recently actually seen a possible ray of hope.


Awesome, Don. Kudos. smile

Originally Posted By: don64
I find your posts very grounding for me. There is an identification with your journey that makes me feel less alone, more a part of a tribe, and gives me a feeling of team spirit.


Thank you. It really is awesome and validating for me to get this kind of feedback and I can't tell you how much it means to me when I do get it. At least that way I know my words are having some impact on someone and I don't start to feel like I'm just blathering on incoherently on here, like Ms. Teen South Carolina in that viral video we all love so much. (This) Although my incoherent blathering would be a lot darker, angrier and more nihilistic than hers was. Also I'm not as pretty. Peace,

Ken

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#461612 - 02/26/14 11:15 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Ms. Teen South Carolina certainly did blather. I had forgotten about that little video chuckle. And she is quite pretty, maybe a bit vacant, but rather cute.

I also will say "Happy Anniversary" on your full year as a member on MS. Your insights and comments have shown your wisdom and your struggles and even your humanity. I can only say thank you for helping me so many many times. I hope the year here has helped you as much as it has me.

Thank you for not deleting your original posts from this thread. I had forgotten that I had been so "real" with some really personal thoughts and experiences. Just reading through again reminded me that I am still sort of messed up, even with the progress I have made. Oh, well. Life is life.

Glad you are here, my friend.

bill.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#461936 - 03/03/14 12:25 AM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 245
Loc: Germany
Hi Ken!

Just read through this whole thread now and I have some thoughts.

There are a number of things you say or seem to believe, which are, however, completely contradicted by how you say them and what you do! For example, you mention continously throughout this thread that your feel like "a cancer", a burden, a Yoko Uno breaking up the band, yet you are a very articulate and insight person who has contributed so much to this online community of survivors!

To me, it is clear that your hurt and pain has left you with an overall pessimistic perspective of yourself and of reality. You seem to highlight the negative- or turn what is simply a reality or a fact- into a negative, when it really doesn't need to be that way. With or without therapy, you deserve to give yourself the credit you deserve as a survivor that despite what you are still working on, you are here, you made it, you are safe, and your presence intrinsically influences others.

You have every right to grieve about the inner-you that was highly damaged by your CSA, but unlike your friend's father's arm, your wounds have the capacity to heal! You can (and have already begun!) to work through the pain and damage caused by your experiences. You just need to focus on the hope around you.

Are you familiar at all with the philosophy of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy
In essence, you accept reality and events as they are and focus on that which can be changed, that being how your perceive your experiences, your present, and your goals towards recovery. Eventually, what is your reality changes because it will encompass the further gains made from your self-improvements. (For example, focusing on sad and negative feelings only releases the same chemicals in your brain which perpetuate these feelings and re-running negative events and thoughts keeps these feelings continuously fresh in your psyche. However, the exact same can be done with positive emotions and thoughts. Finding something that brings your a sense of passion and contentment also perpetuate the positive feelings within you, thus altering your reality to a more positive one.)
You need to understand that your pain and aversion to certain things- like sex as an adult- are normal reactions to abnormal events. You are certainly not alone in your situation and there is nothing shameful or "wrong" about how your feel. However, it is clearly distressing to you and counter-productive to the healthy, post-trauma life that you deserve to live.

Before you set goals to work on and explore new experiences which will change how you interpret your reality (i.e. such as seeking positive, healthy adult sexual experiences), you may need to work on accepting yourself and your right to be here and right to recovery. You also need to accept the legitimacy of your feelings but with the understanding that while these feelings may be current and enduring, they are not permanent and are subject to change and improve over time.

Life is filled with suffering for us all, CSA survivors or otherwise. Your friends are also working on their own wounds and if they were real friends, they would not judge you for yours. Having a supportive network of people around you who will listen to your feelings and experiences and who will make you feel validated and encouraged. You may not be able to afford a therapist, but are there any free, community-run facilitated groups for CSA survivors around you, i.e. similar to AA? The people you will meet there will often become these crucial supports in your recovery.

I would also highly recommend you first read through some books on CSA and survivor recovery if you haven't already done so. They have proven tremendously helpful for many and have given them deep insight and encouragement as they took initiative for their recovery.

You may have been robbed by your abusers, but you owe it to yourself to win back your life and live healthy and happily.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#461938 - 03/03/14 01:21 AM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3018
Loc: O Kanada
it's happy time.

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#462030 - 03/04/14 08:29 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: victor-victim]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1089
Loc: The ATL

Hello, Jay. Thank you for all the kind and encouraging words. I definitely appreciate everything you had to say. I will say that I do believe there are wounds I have from my childhood which can be healed to some extent and there are some that already have been largely healed. I've come a long way since I first disclosed to a friend of mine over 20 years ago now. However, there truly are some things about me, some pieces of me, that are irreparable. There are some types of damage to the sexual self that it is impossible to undo, much like the damage done to my friend's father's arm in that elevator shaft. For me to explain any further would require me to disclose some things that I do not feel safe disclosing even here. So, perhaps it's a little unfair of me to even post these types of things because I'm being cryptic and not really giving everyone the full story. Sadly, I feel like this is the only way I can express myself here though and try to convey some of the things I need to convey. It's just difficult is all. That's all I can really say.

Originally Posted By: victor-victim


I must have that toy! Gunna do a Google search for it now. grin Peace,

Ken

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#462042 - 03/04/14 10:16 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 245
Loc: Germany
Hey Ken,

You made a good point and it is fair for us both in that I am not given all the details and you are entitled to share however much or litte you'd like.

Looking back, what I was trying to get across was the concept of developing new strategies on how one approaches challenges in life- including elements of one's sexuality. If we avoid pushing ourselves and digging deeper to confront and tackle what encumbers us, then our difficulties will always remain unchallenged.

I am not a therapist and therefore cannot and will not provide any "insight" here. I will only suggest that if you ever come upon the means and the desire to continue with therapy, set goals on what you wish to further work on and then do your homework to find what therapist (and type of therapist/therapy) would be most suited to help you attain those goals. Ultimately, all the work is accomplished by you, but the insight and guidance of specific therapists will, of course, provide you with different tools to develop the project you wish to work on. For example, if it is improving your sexuality along with the already-established knowledge and mindfulness of your CSA's impact, then perhaps you may wish to consult a sex therapist or one specific to CSA. Consultation sessions should always be free- plus you can research the kind of therapy they practice/school they adhere to based on what is posted on their websites.

Similarly to what advice you are seeking on MaleSurvivor, a therapist can only help you based upon the information that you provide them.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey. Perhaps I am too much of a damn optimist, but I believe there is still hope for you to continue to improve your life in areas you see fit. You're absolutely correct in stating that certain effects of our trauma remain with us for life. But recovery never ends; recovery occurs in stages and it is often compartmentalised. You take on one issue after you've accomplished others, and while certain coping mechanisms may have been useful during one stage, they may need to be re-worked in another.

You seem like a smart guy and I hope this hasn't been at all condescending or of little help to you.

May I send you some of my world-famous HUGS?
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#462044 - 03/04/14 10:26 PM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: JayBro]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1089
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: JayBro
May I send you some of my world-famous HUGS?


Of course. Thank you. smile

Ken

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#462104 - 03/06/14 12:03 AM Re: The Elevator Accident [Re: BraveFalcon]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 245
Loc: Germany
smile HUGSSSSS
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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