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#438413 - 06/17/13 12:36 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 215
Loc: California
Yeah, Gary and Jeff, I really hear you and respect your feelings about it. It has been one of my main struggles also. I love little Todd, but not what happened to him. But, in my work with him, not only did I have anger and bad feelings about him and what he did, but there was a lot of anger and bad feelings from him to me. Kinda like, "I walked through fucking fire and hell for this life you are living?"

I really had to reassess my view on this. I don't agree with everything he did and was. But, I do feel he was put in such an awful situation at the hands of some disgusting and sadistic men, and he survived all they dished out. Yes, he did some things that the adult me finds disgusting and sick. Yes, he willing went along with it in some instances. But he did what he had to, without any help from the fucking adults in his life that never even noticed something was wrong, even when he was bleeding, wetting the bed every night, and sunk into depression. In the end, I had to conclude, he is probably one of the bravest people I know.

I also put this up because there are so many pictures that were taken of him when he was being abused, raped, and tortured and they are still floating around out there I am sure. I think, despite everything that went down, he deserves to be seen this way. With dignity and even with some pride and love mixed in. Those bastards have gotten so much from us, and I will salvage what I can.

I am sure I will continue to struggle with this, and I understand exactly where you guys are. I have been there so many times. I honor what you both went through, and are going through.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#438422 - 06/17/13 06:43 AM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: toddop]
lapchinj Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1196
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: toddop
....but there was a lot of anger and bad feelings from him to me. Kinda like, "I walked through fucking fire and hell for this life you are living?"

That's very interesting way of looking at it

Originally Posted By: toddop
.....But he did what he had to, without any help from the fucking adults in his life that never even noticed something was wrong, even when he was bleeding, wetting the bed every night, and sunk into depression. In the end, I had to conclude, he is probably one of the bravest people I know.

He had no option, he either got through it himself or not at all. I was lucky to be able to have 2 very close friends in the same business to bring me through it all, so in that respect I had all the support I needed.

Originally Posted By: toddop
I also put this up because there are so many pictures that were taken of him when he was being abused, raped, and tortured and they are still floating around out there I am sure.....

If there are any pictures or movies involved then they are surely out there. I know it is in my case. Even stuff taken in the '60s was upgraded hosted to the net and 8 & 16 mm film to video. I have no pictures really of my years after 10 and 90% of those were not so nice to look at. So the avatar you see there of me was taken on a secluded beach with a kid who was to become my best friend. I was 12 and he around 10-1/2. I wish I had something better than that of me but it is the best I can do.

I'm sorry for what you have gone through but I have a very good idea of what it was.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#438452 - 06/17/13 12:45 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 215
Loc: California
Yeah it seems like we share some unfortunate and awful similarities in terms of our history. We should never have been placed in those circumstances and exploited the way we were.

I'm sorry for what you have gone through as well, Jeff. Thanks for being here to share it and talk about it.

Peace to you, too.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#438457 - 06/17/13 01:39 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
I'm between 11-13 yrs old, i'm in the orphanage/Home & in love with another gay boy. First time in my young live that i had experienced what true, sweet & pure love was all about.


Edited by petercorbett (06/17/13 08:14 PM)
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#438472 - 06/17/13 03:44 PM ! [Re: toddop]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:38 PM)

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#438483 - 06/17/13 06:07 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Dear struggling guy

I am still angry with the vulnerable and hurt child and will not search for pictures. I have (my ex-wife actually) a beautiful picture of me at 12 In 1961. However, it is my face and shoulders from a nude porn shot done at my mother's direction by her friend the photographer. I don't want anyone to see that one, ever.

I think it is a great opportunity to communicate with each other when we have made peace with who we were 30, 40, 50 years ago.

For me I am still struggling with finding peace, still trying to believe that I had choices and made the bad ones, though I know I had to choose among bad choices and would have regretted any experience I went through. I do not feel the child's bravery or even value his survival.

But there are days when it is not a punishment to wake up.

We all have different stories and we all are just the same.

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#438500 - 06/17/13 09:40 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: genedebs]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11078
Loc: Denver, CO
Here's a clearer shot of my avatar. Who would have thought those glasses would have come back in style one day?

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#438503 - 06/17/13 10:29 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: FormerTexan]
BraveFalcon Online   content
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1106
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: FormerTexan
Here's a clearer shot of my avatar. Who would have thought those glasses would have come back in style one day?


All you would need in that pic would be some super-tight jeans and a can of PBR and you'd fit right in at a modern-day hipster bar. LOL! Although, you would probably have needed to have a pretty convincing fake ID too.

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#438506 - 06/17/13 10:55 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: BraveFalcon]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11078
Loc: Denver, CO
I had to ask one of my younger coworkers exactly what a hipster was. When he showed me some pics, I was like ACK! No thanks! The glasses are GI, since my father was in the military. Back in those days I had no choice but to yield to my fashion-unconscious parents. These days it's no glasses, polo pullovers and either Levi's or Wranglers.
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#438510 - 06/17/13 11:41 PM Re: Me at age 11.. please add yours [Re: StrugglingGuy]
lapchinj Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1196
Loc: New York
Hey texan,

I know how much you and all the boys in your class loved the look and probably wore glasses just like you.

I'm sorry, I really shouldn't tease. I really do know what you think of those glasses.

To show you I'm a sport here's a bigger avatar of me.


Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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