Newest Members
BusterJones, Desperateforhelp, aniceguy, Green_Lantern, Safe11ride
12121 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
betterdays (29), ChevyMan76 (46), cuda (48), swartzhund (42), wdf9 (70)
Who's Online
5 registered (BusterJones, I Want 2 Thrive, CafeMan, Cam76, Green_Lantern), 66 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12121 Members
73 Forums
62520 Topics
438116 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#43847 - 05/08/05 10:14 PM How to handle jokes?
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
This is a response to Ranger's last post. It's something I have a tough time dealing with, too. When a friend or just someone in the room cracks an altar boy/priest joke, or makes a joke about pedophiles -- usually not funny at all.

They send shivers down me, set my teeth on edge. I just want to sneer, "What do you know?" But usually just bite my tongue.

Has anyone ever "outed" themselves as an SA survivor in a context like this? Or, how do you deal with it?

_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

Top
#43848 - 05/08/05 10:23 PM Re: How to handle jokes?
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
i don't have a lot of tolerance for people who make those kinds of jokes -

the person who makes such a joke is someone i would stay away from -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#43849 - 05/08/05 10:25 PM Re: How to handle jokes?
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
you deserve a better friend -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#43850 - 05/08/05 10:58 PM Re: How to handle jokes?
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Dear Cant...Yes, those jokes can really get on your nerves. If it is a passing joke, I may not say anything but I don't laugh either. If they ask me if I find it funny, then I talk about SA. If it's a friend or a colleague at work, I generally ay I had CSA as a kid and many other people do as well. We find it not a very funny area to joke about because it is serious!! Generally, they are able to understand. But then, I am not shouting from the housetops I am a survivor of sexual abuse BUT I WILL NOT EVER BACK DOWN FROM BEING EMBARASSED ABOUT IT!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

Top
#43851 - 05/08/05 11:21 PM Re: How to handle jokes?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I had more problem dealing with jokes that featured abuse or homosexual content before I disclosed than I do now, it doesn't bother me at all now as long as I believe that the person telling the joke isn't using it as a weapon to belittle me or others, or as a way of revelling in their beliefs that abuse is OK.
That's hard to tell I know.

A lot of humour is used as a defence mechanism, I tell jokes about abuse because for me it's a way of expressing a small part of my many opinions about my situation. I don't use humour to trivialize mine or anyone elses situation, and I can't really explain clearly what my black humour does for me, but in a crude way it does bring certain aspects out into the open. I think it also makes some aspects of a terrible situation more easy to deal with, it breaks it down into small pieces that I can relate to.

The same happens for major public catastrophes such as the tsunami and 9.11, the jokes were circulating within hours. It seems like a first response to something too big to fully understand in one go.

It's not P.C. and it does upset a lot of people without any doubt, but I think jokes do have some role in our understanding of awful situations.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#43852 - 05/09/05 12:07 AM Re: How to handle jokes?
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
I have long had a difficult time with jokes that poke fun of any minority group, any sensitive subject, etc.
If I am in a group of people, I don't laugh. Usually the person will ask me what's wrong.... my reply is flatly, "I find that joke in bad taste and offensive." I don't think that it requires any further explanation on my part and I don't have to divulge any personal information. That's my way of dealing with it.

Sophiesdad

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

Top
#43853 - 05/09/05 02:38 AM Re: How to handle jokes?
ShyBear Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/05
Posts: 149
Loc: The American South
I echo what Dave said, but change it a bit : he said "defense mechanism" while I say it's a coping mechanism. I remember the really ghastly jokes that came out when the story broke about Jeffrey Dahmer and I'm convinced that humor was to try to accept & face the existence of hideous evil in our midst.

More recently, there have been lots of jokes circulating about Terri Schiavo - again, folk trying to cope with the idea of being a vegetable on life support for 15 years and the intensity of the legal battles.

So, if I think the joke is for coping, I just ignore it.

However, if I think it's purely to demean a vulnerable person / group, I'm likely to speak up. I live in the Deep South and sometimes still hear queer jokes, told as a pitiful, ignorant stupid-male bonding ritual - those I'm likely to challenge if I feel safe.


Top
#43854 - 05/09/05 03:35 AM Re: How to handle jokes?
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
I some times walk away and say nothing or tell them I am ofended by there taste. Once two months after I came out about the abuse to my family my brother in law told a joke in front of everyone and I had a total melt down.

I am dealing with things a lot better now 3 years later. Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

Top
#43855 - 05/09/05 03:05 PM Re: How to handle jokes?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
I think this is actually an extremely important issue. It may be true that a certain degree of levity over an awful situation serves to help us to cope, and perhaps specific instances of joking do little or no harm. But we should bear in mind that jokes about minorities or at-risk sectors of society are all about exploitation, intolerance, and disempowerment. "Nigger" and "fag" jokes convey the message that it is okay to rob someone of their human dignity because of their skin color or sexual orientation, and we have all seen the terrible results of this sort of thing. Where child abuse is concerned I remember hearing a "Michael Jackson" joke in the context of the trouble he was in about ten years ago, the one with the "underwear half off" punchline, and it deeply wounded me that anyone could take amusement in such a situation.

My own approach to this is to deal with it at home and stress to my own children the problems with this sort of joke. One never knows how well this is understood, and I have no doubt that within their peer groups my two are as guilty as the others. But they do know my objections and my reasons for this, and I hope this is something they will take into adult life.

Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#43856 - 05/09/05 04:13 PM Re: How to handle jokes?
wanderer Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/03
Posts: 50
Loc: massachusetts
there was a time when i use to love to hear and tell those kinds of jokes, too. now people tell me i'm too sensitive and to "lighten up". they ask me where my sense of humor went. i say "in another direction".

_________________________
"i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell" (matchbox 20)

Top
#43857 - 05/10/05 12:03 AM Re: How to handle jokes?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I'm always surprised at how much we laugh in our group therapy sessions, not at each other but with each other.

We don't laugh at jokes, but at the absurdity of some of the situations we've ended up as we lived our dysfunctional lives, and sometimes at the situations we still find ourselves in.

Humour can, I think, be used in two ways. Firstly as a release, one that makes it easier for someone to tell a particuarly difficult story.
I once fought my way out of an acting out situation with another man, and I can relate that story in two ways. I now tell it the funny way, because I can see it as a scene out of a bad 'Animal House' type movie. But I could tell it absolutely straight, which would 'ask' the listener to be sympathetic.
I don't want sympathy, but I do tell the story because I want to be understood, and I can do it better through emphasising the utter madness of two grown men fighting in a toilet cubicle both with their pants down!

The other use of humour is as I said in my other post as a method of spreading hatred and belittling a particular person or group. Most people who do this stand out a mile, and I either tell them to "shut the f**k up" or I walk away.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#43859 - 05/12/05 02:56 PM Re: How to handle jokes?
Baal Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/08/05
Posts: 8
i handle pedo jokes quite well, i laugh with it. life is too short to be upset all the time, what has happened is in the past, might as well derive some humor from it...

i can never take things too seriously, but thats just me. even if something bad happens i will make a joke out of it. it makes me feel better


Top
#43860 - 05/12/05 03:33 PM Re: How to handle jokes?
Charlie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 148
Guys my age joke about sex all the time and that's cool (I do it too) but grownups telling jokes about kids is never funny. It stays inside my head for a long time and makes me disappear. It's like saying "names can never hurt me", of course they can! I'm still hurting, the abuse changed everything. When people joke about kids being abused I feel like they're saying "it's not a big deal, get over it".


Top
#43861 - 05/19/05 01:22 AM Re: How to handle jokes?
eltoro65 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/19/05
Posts: 6
Loc: chicago
one time I was at a party and some girl made a comment "oh well! you know what they say: incest is best!" And I replied "You're the first person whose eever told me they actually enjoyed it!" That shut her up.


Top
#43862 - 05/19/05 01:55 AM Re: How to handle jokes?
demonboi Offline
Member

Registered: 05/14/05
Posts: 228
Loc: East Coast
In my grade everyone is still testing out cuss words and names of anatomy. It's weird and awkward for me, usually I just tune them out. Sometimes it gets to me, like when people tell Michael Jackson jokes, those are the worst to me.

_________________________
Every corner, every city
There's a place where life's a little easy
Little Hennessy, laid back and cool
Every hour, cause it's all good
Leave all the stress from the world outside
Every wrong done will be alright
Nothin but peace, love
And street passion, every ghetto needs a thug mansion

Top
#43863 - 05/19/05 10:22 AM Re: How to handle jokes?
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
I just needed to add another two cents worth for thought -
I was thinking about all of the postings and the bottom line reason for these types of jokes. I have a neighbor who works for a news station. When a horrific tragedy occurs or they witness as newspeople something completely incomprehensible or so awful that they can't cope with it, they tend to make jokes for the first week or so. It's their way of dealing with the horrible things that happen.
Then, there are the jokes that make fun of minorities... I think that those stem from someone's need to make a group lesser than themselves. In other words, if I have poor self esteem, I tell a joke about a minority group and that makes them "beneath me."
What these people don't realize is that they are actually degrading themselves and perpetuating prejudice.
I've even seen members of minority groups call each other the same names that others call them. I think that this also serves to perpetuate prejudice.
I think the best way to deal with it is to not participate. If someone wants to know why I don't laugh, my response is always the same - no matter WHAT the joke is: I find it in bad taste and offensive to me.
that requires no explanation, nor do I have to divulge any personal information.

Sophiesdad

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

Top
#43864 - 05/19/05 08:21 PM Re: How to handle jokes?
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Sometimes I think that absurd situations create the best jokes.

Stevie Wonder called as a defence witness in the Michael Jackson case.

"And did you see anything untoward at Neverland Mr Wonder"?

Now come on - even the defence should have spotted that one a mile off!

I'm neither racist or against people with disabilities but that is one joke that anyone can see. It certainly does not detract from the case, but it does show how absurd these Hollywood types can be (oops does that belittle the minority group of celebrities?).

So the defence team has created the best Michael Jackson joke so far, without having a crack at the victims.

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

Top
#43865 - 05/21/05 05:08 AM Re: How to handle jokes?
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
I have sometime have problem with jokes of other things that are personal to me,not just of abuse. Other things, like of race or religion, I have harder feeling of how to deal with them. So I just say 'ok' or nothing at all. But it seem wrong.

Andrei


Top
#43866 - 05/25/05 09:00 PM Re: How to handle jokes?
collegecapricorn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/04
Posts: 41
Loc: Providence, RI
Its funny that I would pick this post to read today...but I did. I came after being shown a "really funny" joke...pictures from last halloween. A good friend and co-worked went as a priest, not jsut any priest, but the preist with the blow up boy taped to his gown...extremely distastful and hard for me to take, looking at it like it was me again \:\( . I know people don't mean to do stuff like this and I usually am one all for the humor, but it still hurts....

cc

_________________________
The lessons you learn, not the destination, are the goal of a journey...
give 'um hell!

Top
#43867 - 05/26/05 12:52 PM Re: How to handle jokes?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Its good to see the discussion continues on this one. As I said before, I think this is really an important topic.

I already posted on this, but I thought I might add a point that guides me on such issues: Simply put, cruelty and brutality aren't funny, especially where children are concerned. However one "draws the line", this must surely lie way beyond it. It's a natural response to find this kind of "humor" offensive, and anyone who indulges in it deserves to be embarrassed by a comment from someone with some sense and sensitivity.

Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#43868 - 05/26/05 02:25 PM Re: How to handle jokes?
Sinking Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
Like everything else about child sexual abuse, this topic is complicated too. The people who make these 'jokes' are ignorant about the long-term effects of SA, so forgive them for not knowing. The same people are ignorant about how many people have been affected by CSA, both directly (us) and indirectly (those who care about us). They are not aware that in a room full of ten other people, probably one of them was abused as a child. If they were to realize that, far fewer 'jokes' about abuse would be told. Again, forgive them for not knowing. I personally feel that I have a responsibility to educate people on the issue, without being demeaning to them, I truly believe they would want to know that they are most likely offending someone within earshot. I also feel it is my responsibility to put an end to the stigmas that follow abuse victims/survivors around. When these 'jokes' are told and others laugh, the stigma is perpetuated due to ignorance. I can chip away at that, little by little without getting up on a soapbox, without getting overly emotional, by sharing knowledge I have obtained that others have not, thankfully, until then, they have had no reason to avail themselves to that knowledge. Be gentle with yourselves today. Peace - John


Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.