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#438396 - 06/16/13 09:04 PM b-n-l: a new reality.
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Probably a Trigger.....most of it is......

This is going to evolve into a partial understanding of the fact that I was involved in incest. Not a blood relative who raped me, but a married member of the family none the less. Stop reading if its more than you wish to know. Cause it aint pretty... at all. And I couldnt even write the word incest in the subject heading...

I've been trying to post this for almost a week and always delete and say again tomorrow i will try.... it will probably be in those dreaded phrases and ramble verses, but I need to get it out.

When the T asked me last week why I spoke with tenderness of the perp who had me as a teen from 14-17, I shut down. I mean i told him as I began to explain that it was too much, a wall, and I couldn't go on. I have thought about it for almost a week now and its still too much.

Identifying with perp. Protecting the perp. Stockholm Syndrome. whatever the f we call it or say it is, it causes my insides to want to purge.

abused because i was lacking the love and attention of the family, filling a void, embracing the attention..... whatever we want to say. Its a reality from the past that i do not want to face. I dont want to deal with it. there are times when I do and the feelings and emotions that come are things I haven't felt or acknowledged before. So I am pushing them down. I am numbing again. All of this is double the pain because of what happened at 50. All of the same reasons and emotions lead me to become prey again.

I dont know how to deal with it. This time it is isolated and seeable. Almost touchable. this time it is about what a young boy didn't have. what he needed. what was given to him in the name of caring- in exchange for what he could offer sexually. It is isolated and it is screaming at me! Its just different this time and more raw and painful than ever before and I don't understand why?

Is it because I have moved out of the realm of considering the CSA abstractly? As in this happened, oh yeah, that is why this is happening? Yeah- this is my story... let me share. Into a sense of - oh, my god... this happened and the actual truth is that it happened because of this? I needed attention and love and some sense of caring and I traded sex for this.

And another reality is that this was incest. This man, a decade and a half older was my b-n-l. He was twice my age. He was married to my s....... I was a victim, a willing participant, in an incestual relationship. And that makes me sick, makes me cry at night as if it is all new again, and sometimes makes me want to stop. Just to make the sadness and shame disappear quietly into the night. Just to go numb again.

I still remember the days of numbness- you dont feel, you dont cry or you dont hurt. Its just the thoughts I have been having for a week and I needed to get them out. Its to be okay one way or the other, but fuck, why couldn't someone make it stop? It lasted for four long years. It was almost like I was given up to this sob as an offering for staying in the family and helping out.... and he was gone, btw, by the time I turned 21..... as in divorce and out of there. lol..... he was truly a part of the family for the boy. for me.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#438402 - 06/16/13 11:07 PM Re: b-n-l: a new reality. [Re: ThisMan]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
B

Yes the word incest brings a whole new level of gross to what happened to us. I am so sorry that your b-n-l took advantage of you. I know you know this but I will say it again. You did not deserve that. You deserved to be loved and respected as the bright young man you were .... to be protected. I know that is hard to hear. For me It is easier to think that the way I was used as a teenager is all I deserved that it was my lot in life....that I was a lesser class of person. You should have been able to trust him. It should not have happened to you.

I know too well the feeling of pushing down the emotions and feelings of numbing. It works, it really does.... but only for a while and when the pain does come bubbling up again it is even stronger than before. As if you were simmering a stew on low for days, reducing it to it's most potent.

I know this is a small comfort but in a similar way I traded myself sexually in return for 'affection and caring'. Although in my case it was a string of strangers from 15-18. They were twice my age. Just like you I was filling the void the way I had been taught.

When we have a multitude of CSA events in our life I think we have to process them one at a time. It is just too much to handle in one sitting. Now is the time for you to face this stage of the CSA. That is why it is so raw, so painful, so real. I truly believe that if we are going to break the cycle of repressing the pain over and over again we need to allow ourselves to feel the pain. To really feel it, to let it out. Otherwise it will just bubble away and come back to get us another day even stronger. If we face it today it will probably rear it's ugly head again....but next time maybe, just maybe it will not have so much power over us.

Maybe it is time to not be numb for a while. Sharing them here with us is a good start and I admire your courage in sharing it.

I don't know if any of this will help but I at least want you to know you are not alone in this....not even a little bit.

Lee
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More than meets the eye!

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#438445 - 06/17/13 11:25 AM Re: b-n-l: a new reality. [Re: ThisMan]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 215
Loc: California
Hey ThisMan,
Sorry to hear what you are going through. It is hard to come face to face with the realities of what happened to us as kids. And it is not a pleasant thing at all.

I just went through a very similar experience that you are talking about recently. I had three days of being just completely numbed out, after exposure to a major triggering incident. Then, as dam burst and I was flooded with emotion and had to process and deal with a whole new slew of memories and feelings.

But, in that numbness and afterward, I thought about how normal it had been for me in my early teen years following my abuse to just be completely numbed out. That is when I would sneak out of the house, run around with my friend, smoke, drink, walk around for most of the hours of the night, then shower, and go to school, and no one in my family ever knew. Looking back now, I think I was running from my nightmares, bedwetting, or remembering. Which is why it all seems so familiar now.

I agree with what Farmer Boy said above. It may be that the intensity of the feelings that you are experiencing now are because you have worked down to the core of the issues. You are seeing things without blinders, or partial blinders. Now you are getting into the raw and painful emotions instead of flickers of emotions. It seems from outside looking in that you are moving away from the numbness, and allowing yourself to feel the pain and betrayal of it. You are giving voice to things that have been kept silent for years.

My T once told me that progress is painful. and I said something sarcastic back I think. But, now I understand what she means. I don't like it, but it seems that is the way it works.

Good luck and thank you for putting this out there, I know it was hard for you to face these thoughts and memories. But, it does help us out here to hear them and think about how we are not alone.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#438463 - 06/17/13 02:34 PM Re: b-n-l: a new reality. [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Lee & Todd-

Thanks for the words. It really is a new reality for me. All the layers of fluff, and superficial explanations of what happened that I have given myself over the decades were just hiding the truth that my experience was nothing more than just an incestuous, easily achievable series of sexual encounters and exploitations over a period of years with someone who was interested in young teens. (naturally I feel shame- who wouldn't).

The mechanisms I had in place to hide this simple fact have fallen away thanks to therapy, a lot of inner honesty with myself, and MS. I may need to utilize the numbing technique for a few days, b ut I won't allow myself to remain there. The time after the spouse died, I returned to that numbness so I wouldn't feel. That is when the new round of abuse started- of which I have only shared the one incident. I just can't grow old, waiting for the next person in line to abuse me. I can't. So thanks for your words and your wisdom and your caring.

... if we don't repair what we have broken, it will continue to shatter until nothing is left of what was once beautiful object.

b


Edited by ThisMan (06/17/13 02:36 PM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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