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#438460 - 06/17/13 02:28 PM Nightmares.
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 168
Loc: Ohio
Father's day... And it's my mom who fucks me up. My mom beat me up softly all day about not um... loving, caring, acknowledging, respecting, I don't know, "insert what a son should feel about his father here". Feeling an unknown sort of panicked feeling after she gave me a card to sign for my dad, I didn't know what to write without feeling like a liar or superficial. My dad isn't perfect, and he's the seed of a whole shit ton of my problems, as well as my mom. He's the repetitive voice in my head that beats me down to nothing. Yet when he speaks to me he's "just trying to help" "He loves me". Anyways, later that night my mom got blackout wasted and started crying and saying really mean things to me and my brother. All this family bullshit, just stuff that triggered the fucking hell out of me. I zoned out and was just blankly staring, mind going wild, a flurry of unknown and incomprehensible frenzy of emotions coming from every direction. The only way I can describe where I was or how I felt was that I went to a very dark place. I went to sleep angry and upset. Enter the nightmares.

First, I had a dismally disturbing dream, really the first "nightmare" I've had in a long time, the kind of nightmares I had as a kid. (I now remember all the nightmares I used to have as a kid, almost every night). I was driving down a highway and it just kept getting more and more far out of the realm of reality. In the middle of nowhere kind of landscape, in fact my car wasn't really even driving me, it was just me flying as if I were in a car down the highway, so there was nothing between me and the horrors I was starting to see, I couldn't put my foot on the brakes because I wasn't in a car. But I saw first very grotesque car crashes, blood everywhere, smashed bodies in the wreckage of a car and an 18-wheeler. Had to keep driving, but now the landscape was outlandish, dead trees, but all just a line on each side of the road, with fields out further. Dead animals everywhere, roadkill blood. And the further I drove the more death and blood and bodies, swerving trying not to hit them. It was really disturbing. Like the inner depths of my mind. If I could symbolize this dream, it was me entering the deep dark depths hiding inside my head. Suiting that this would be the first dream, of many. The entrance.

Really, I don't know if I want to write about the next dreams but I'll try. They're all abuse related, I had many many dreams.

The one I recall most was me as a kid, but with all the knowledge I have now. I was "friends" with my cousin again. I entered here, and sort of dismissed everything and fell back into being abused. The same feelings I had as a kid. I was having sex with my cousin and enjoying it. Enjoying the illusion that I had, but knowing it wasn't true. It makes me feel sick. My godmother caught on somehow, and she found out what I was doing. I thought how can I explain why I was letting this happen to me after everything I told her. Again I felt the fear of holding this secret. I'd do anything to keep it a secret. So when she confronted me I got angry, she wouldn't let up, she knew. I told her to just go away, leave it alone, only thinking, "She cannot know". I became violent and threatened to kill her. I was throwing things but she wouldn't go away, so I broke a glass and it was more implied that I slit her throat, rather than it actually happening, because the dream ended with only the intent, but never actually acting.

Right now as I'm writing, I don't even know how I can post this. And thinking this isn't even a fraction of it all. All the dreams I had about 4-5, long dreams, many intertwining, ending then picking up again, a night in hell. ...pause.

I now realize I can't even begin to explain my dreams, they're too symbolic, too heavy, too hard to share. This was the place I ended up in I guess. This was where I was heading when I zoned out. And when I fell asleep I entered the deepest confines of my mind, the place I'd paint with black and call hell. This place is inside of me... waiting. Always there. It's sickening. And with dreams I see it, I give it a face, I give it a name, I give it a picture. It's as real as this room I'm in right now, but inside my head. A place inside my head... A room. Where everything bleeds out from. A place I want to destroy, but I know I can't ever destroy it. After all, how do I destroy a symbolic place that doesn't really exist but in my head? Suicide. Sometimes it seems the only way, the only way to get rid of this horrible place. But that would mean destroying not only that place, but the innocent me, the little me, the good me as well. It's like I want to save the kid that went through all of this, but every time I dream he falls into the same thing, and I realize it's me again. And because it's me I can't save him. Because I can't see me as a kid anymore when I realize it's me, idk how to explain it. Actually, it's like I'm making that kid into the adult I am, which is unrealistic.

It's terribly horrific. Everything, it's disgusting. Sickening. How can I go on living with this inside of me. How can I go on living, after everything. How can I live with myself.

How can I live with myself? I'm too afraid to even reveal my whole mind. I feel like a monster, I mean if other people saw this place, saw my dreams, heard my thoughts, surely it would be wretched. I'm wretched... I'm disgusting. I hate myself. I really fucking hate myself. I hate that I know there's good in me as well, because I feel like no matter what I do I can't save myself, that kid. I'm a failure. I failed myself. How can I be any better to anyone else without being a liar. Without faking my whole existence, and knowing I'm a fraud. I don't even deserve anything, it kills me inside. I just want to fix it all and make the world better by taking me out. Weird... My world... It would make my world better, but I'd be dead... What a farfetched "fix". It's all so confusing. Nothing makes sense. So how can I even make sense enough to fix it. Am I just destined to keep living in hell? Faking my way through life as if I'm just like everyone else? Living an elaborate lie? Like I did before just to survive... Just to survive. Is that what life is? Just to survive? Because it's all I can do to just survive. Like a fucking animal.

If only I could save that kid, maybe I could save myself. But it's impossible, I can't even do it in my dreams. And I can't turn back the clock. What happened, happened. It's a stupid cycle. I can't unthink what happened. I can't take the pieces apart and put them back the way I want them to be. I thought I was broken and I had to put myself back together, but that was just another illusion, I have to believe that to survive, I have to believe that so that I can hope to put myself back together better. But in reality, I'm not broken into pieces, I'm solid and formed. I'd have to break myself to put myself back together. I was just formed badly, and I don't like how I came out. So what can I do...
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#438467 - 06/17/13 03:04 PM Re: Nightmares. [Re: CloudyFalls]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Quote:
[/quoteIt's terribly horrific. Everything, it's disgusting. Sickening. How can I go on living with this inside of me. How can I go on living, after everything. How can I live with myself. [quote]


Cloudy, I wish a thousand wishes that I could enter into your subconscious and alter your dreams. To change the images that appear. To let the child rescue you, or you rescue the child. If I could I would. But the dreams aren't you. It is not reality. It is the 'dream world'.

I used to wake at night with night terrors- nightmares. I would be trembling and crying out in my sleep. My wife would shake me awake because it would scare her. And one of the dreams was not unlike the one you had of the highway. I was also on a highway, above the center, dotted line, flying. Endlessly. Never veering to the right or to the left... always ahead. To veer away from the center was to risk the unknown. And the dream eventually left, never to return.

Your dreams will diminish. They will eventually go away. Be patient. I remember being afraid of going to sleep because I feared the dreams. I am certain you feel the same way.

And no, we can't go back and save the kid. We can't undo what was done to us and you turn back the clock. I am still dealing, as are you. It is what has made us, shaped us, driven us. The ONLY solution is to accept that. And accepting the pain that it brings.

But even though it gets harder, Cloudy, it at the same time becomes easier. It's so hard to explain, but accepting what we can't change gives us the freedom to recreate ourselves. That is what I am doing. Crying, hurting, accepting, and crying some more... all the while recreating and evolving. And for the first time in my life, I can honestly say, I am developing healthy boundaries because I am learning to LOVE and LIKE myself AS A MAN. And it will happen for you. On that I promise if you just stay to the course.

And considering your momma, tell her to behave. Create some boundaries with her. I have forgotten your living situation, but even that can change if need be. That is something YOU have control over. And then you can control the exposure to the tantrums of your mother.

And about that being broken and putting yourself back together...... don't bother... sit at the easel or the potter's wheel with me and you can recreate yourself as I am recreating myself. And I'm telling you... it ain't bad! Beautiful we are and more beautiful we will become....!!!! .... so yeah, fuck the world and their image of us, we are beautiful inside and out..... AND BECOMING NEW AGAIN!!!!

I may have spoken out of turn, or out of lack of knowledge, but I don't care today.... I want you to remember that we understand. WE DO!! Post here immediately if you have those feelings and thoughts. Someone will respond. Someone will life you up. Angels, guy.

b
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#438473 - 06/17/13 03:54 PM ! [Re: CloudyFalls]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:38 PM)

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#438474 - 06/17/13 04:32 PM Re: Nightmares. [Re: CloudyFalls]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 283
Loc: MO
Dear Cloudy Falls

Nightmares are difficult for me to understand since IO cAN RARELY REMmEMber them. But your description is traumatic enough to get a feel for your experience.

First as you already know suicide is not a survivor strategy. And as Shakespeare wrote: To sleep. Perchance to dream, ah there is the rub.

So it may not even solve your desire to escape the dream.

My experience is that it is indeed an effort to escape. We don't want to accept the past. The sense of being overwhelmed and unable to make safe or acceptable choices is a nightmare of its own. What I must do is find that I have already survived. That was then. This is now. The horrors of the past cannot be erased, but they will not come again in the life you live today.

Your mother continues to blame you and insists you accept whatever horror she has and tells you over and over again. You zone out because that is not you. However many times your mother tells, brings up scenes from the past and forces you to see the things she sees, that doesn't make them true and certainly doesn't make at fault. You were the child she was the adult.

Or at least that is my experience. What I need is first to give myself a break a short time to breathe, to meditate, to calm.

Then I need to remember that it is now, it is today. And I can start all over again. Do I feel unclean, do I need shower, take a shower. If it is too hot outside, go to a pool or some air conditioned mall or (if the car is air conditioned, use that). Just accept that you are safe, or get to a place where you are safe AND THEN you can think about the unrelenting terrors of the past.

You know they are not today, you know you have survived and can survive. You know that you are vulnerable and as much as you want that for yourself, now and when you were younger, you are human and will never be invincible. I used to think I had a choice, I didn't have to be human, but that was just another lie.

May God Bless you and keep you til then.





Edited by genedebs (06/17/13 04:46 PM)

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