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#438458 - 06/17/13 01:53 PM SSA vs. identifying as gay
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1428
Loc: California
Hi, I need to write this to ask what others experience with this is.

I have a profound struggle with life - I don't know how to make friends, and I don't comprehend romance. I have no idea how romance works. As a result, I live a profoundly lonely life.

I am beginning to wonder if the sexual relationships I had as a kid (with other boys my age, to a few years older) has done something fundamental to my psychological experience of 'love' and 'friendship'. I grew up feeling immensely ashamed of my disabilities, and I have memories of thoughts about worth being determined on attractiveness.

I started becoming aware of sexual feelings/desires for other boys when I hit puberty - but before that - my sexual explorations with the boys (my next door neighbor, my step brother, and my cousin) made me feel wanted, desired.

My mom never loved me; in fact, I think she was angry that I was born. I never had a healthy loving relationship with another adult, except for my distant grandparents who I saw once a year or so.

So, after fighting my sexual desires throughout my teenage years, I made the decision to accept them, and come out.

20 years later, I'm scratching my head. I'm literally the only gay guy I know who has never had a romantic relationship. And I have to honestly say that I have never had an authentic connection to another human being. sure, I've felt 'close' to others before, but that was always a distorted, twisted dysfunctional relationship; and I wound up becoming quite domineering and controlling over the friendship. That isn't friendship.

Does anyone here have questions about SSA vs. being gay? How deeply does the rabbit hole of SSA go? Is it possible that maybe CSA and the sexualized friendships I had as a child well before puberty completely destroyed my ability and comprehension of what true intimacy is? Could it be possible that underneath all the loneliness and isolation is a lonely boy who doesn't know how to try and feel love for another than through sex?

And what of this fear I've had of women for as long as I remember? And for good reason - I had many aunts, the family I grew up in was female dominated. Men were not respected. My first memories of my mom are of fear of her. She confided to me a couple years ago that she slapped me across the face when I was 2. I don't remember that incident, but my first memory of her is her screaming at me into my face. Her face all beet red from rage. I grew up not loving my own mother, and I grew up feeling completely alienated around women.

I'm lost. totally lost. I can't make friends, and I don't understand romance. I wonder if I'm so psychologically twisted that my acceptance of my homosexual feelings led me down a path that I didn't need to go down, but went down because it was the ONLY avenue for me to feel any love or connection to another human being?

what if I'm not gay, ut am merely acting out SSA due to CSA? Does anyone else have any experience with this?



Edited by Magellan (06/17/13 02:13 PM)
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#438470 - 06/17/13 03:31 PM Re: SSA vs. identifying as gay [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1428
Loc: California
I just wrote my therapist this loaded question too. He's a CSA / male trauma survivors expert.
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#438476 - 06/17/13 05:13 PM Re: SSA vs. identifying as gay [Re: Magellan]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Hey Megallan,
Man, I can definitely identify with how you are feeling. Severe sexual abuse in my childhood, divorced parents and an emotionally unavailable mother was my foundation. I felt great anxiety towards older boys and men. When I became aware of my sexual attractions towards other males, my anxieties increased exponentially. I spent the rest of my life orchastrating relationships which were profoundly superficial. I never held a job for more than 2 yrs. and never maintained relationships. I felt like a shadow in the lives of others and a bystander in my own life.

My one feeling of connectedness, strength, sense of well-being and aliveness came from anonymous sex. I was a walking heap of misery.

Then last year, I joined sexaholics anonymous. Though usually the only gay guy in the room, I learned to make real connections with other males through working the 12 step program. I felt part of the herd for the first time in my life. My life has changed dramatically. I did just quit this little job I had, but I am working on maintaining a steady-as-she-goes interior life.

I hope you can find the same connectness with others and inner peace. We are just not made for feeling badly 24/7.

I don't know of any differences between SSA and being gay. Until I read your post I thought they were one and the same thing. Maybe your T can help you there.

Mac

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#438674 - 06/19/13 06:08 PM Re: SSA vs. identifying as gay [Re: Magellan]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
Magellan,

You know I really have so many issues around this that I am "skeered" to post about it.

Well....HERE FUCKING GOES ANYWAY.

I spent so much time trying to force myself to be straight that I have been married twice for a total of 12 years.

I would tell them (females) that I loved them, but I felt dead inside. The relationships that I found meant something to me were the guys.

I would be into some goddamn gay boyfriend drama and be all whacked out like a Romeo and Juliet or other greek tragedy. The first few years I wasn't out so there were like really serious issues for my boyfriends. I loved them, I hated them, we fucked, but you know I never really knew what love was.

I would say I did....but the truth was that incest has so fucked up the power structure of my life that I felt like I couldn't admit that I really loved them or that if I did they would have some power over me to hurt me. I was distant, and bitchy, and I wasn't faithful. EVER. I thought I was God's gift to gay sex and even if I didn't rate as a ten I at least thought I was a 9 3/4.

Boy was I wrong. I wasn't entitled. I wasn't a sexual prodigy. I wasn't able to be any more sexual or anything better than anyone else. I eventually had to get over my own self and try to become a little more real about my life.


I am an average guy, with average looks, who does have something to offer. (MOST of us do you know). Men weren't jumping over cliffs to be with me, life wasn't going to stop for me, the rules applied to me, if I wanted to be with a guy, the best way to do that was to walk up and say, "Hey, I think you are cute, wanna get to know each other?".

The more I admit, the easier it is to admit more. The more they know, the less I have to worry about trying to lie, polish, pretend, obscure, and cover it all up.

Turns out they still want me....lucky me.

By the way, I have been with my husband for three years. It isn't a cakewalk, It is hard sometimes.......but worth it. I don't feel like a lie.

Geoff




Edited by bodyguard8367 (06/19/13 06:27 PM)

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