I wanted to chime in on what I've learned so far since joining this site. And what real-world changes I've made as a result.
1. This thing is a beast. I always thought it was, now I KNOW it is. Its merciless, it hurts people I love, and it lashes out when I'm weak and even when I'm strong. Engaging it makes it enraged. It fights back.
2. Suffering is not bad. Feelings of abandonment, if discussed and accepted, can feel like the wind is being knocked out of me, but it gives me a window into the soul of my inner child~ a boy I have been ignoring for quite some time and is entitled to make some noise.
3. No matter how crazy I feel at times, or how at the mercy of unmanageable emotions I may find myself as a result of opening my heart, I am actually finding my feet, my legs, and solid ground for the first time in my life. CSA didn't just cut my self esteem or my faith in humanity, it cut off my feet so that I could never plant myself on this earth and become a man grounded in the strength and love of the universe. I am finding my feet. And once that happens, no one will ever be able to knock me down again.
4. All the fear and apprehension about people on this site, what motivates them, what they think of me, is OK and important, but it is a trifling issue compared to my willingness to USE the site in the best way I know how.
5. Even though my loved ones may never understand what I'm doing here and what I'm attempting to accomplish by being informed and self-aware, I must stand up and take this opportunity to engage and make wise use of my time here. In my case, I've decided I owe it to my wife to explain to her the logic behind all my coping mechanisms so that when I'm picking up, she is aware of why.
6. My ssa is not some freak accident. Its a psychologically traceable condition which may or may not be reversible. I owe it to myself and my family to take responsibility for how I'm going manage this condition in a way that is neither cruel to them nor to myself. I will no longer beat myself up for an occasional preoccupation with porn and MB. Setting limits and not requiring perfection, are expressions of self-love.
7. I am only beginning. As much as I think I know myself, I should face every day prepared to be surprised at how 'good' and how 'bad' I really am. It takes courage and valor to assess damage done to me by the world, and done by myself TO myself and to others. Compassion for self and others is a powerful motivator for accurate and fearless self assessment. It is loving to get real.
8. It really is OK to be looked down upon by others. Attempting to avoid this is not worth my energy.
9. In the end, the parent I am looking for is coming to life inside my own mind. I imagine the Parent of all of us mapped it out that way, and I think this inner parent is going to be a formidable ally in the battles to come. An ally who does not retreat... one who waits when its time to wait, and advances fully when its time to advance. Surrendering to the arms and jurisdiction of my inner Parent, I can expect to recover enough to one day make a difference to the other men in this world who do need to see that model.
10. Being one's own best friend, for some crazy reason, is one of the hardest things to do in life. It should be the easiest. Any step in this direction has immediate and irreversible effects.
11. Recovery plans based on fear are always temporary. And recovery plans based on love and self-respect tend to stick and hold. Each step taken in joy and gratitude, leaves a permanent footprint on the great path of mankind. Footsteps taken in fear and anger, are washed away by the changing tides.
Edited by GoldStone (06/20/13 01:19 AM)