I hope you can work your head around the idea of their being two yous and that you can find it useful!
Yeah, many of us get that.....I do for sure. There always had to be an outward "perfect" me to counter the inner "bad" me that I tried to keep hidden. For me, however, that was never helpful. So much energy was expended keeping my secrets. So much abuse of drugs and alcohol to try to hold it all together. I just couldn't so it anymore.
So anyway, I'm glad you are here. You can get as much or as little out of MS as you want. Many guys just read posts and nothing more. Others, post regularly and find it a safe and non-judgemental place to get things off their chests. Just take it easy and find your own way around.
You are one of an increasing number of younger men here who have found the courage to face their childhood sexual abuse and the effects it has had. I wish that I had had that strength and courage at 22. I kept my secrets for 42 years. Not a good plan!
Be well and stay in touch!
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "Joni Mitchell