I identify a lot with what you are saying. Some of the worst feelings aside from the actual pain of abuse are memories of me performing with older men and actually going along with it. I realize now that I was minimizing the pain, because if I had not played along, and struggled, it made them upset and more violent and aggressive.
But, I too have memories of actually doing these acts and them making comments to me about it, about how beautiful I was and how good I was at it. I told my T once that I knew how to keep a man on the edge of an orgasm by the time I was 8. And how awful and just wrong that is to have to endure and know and say about myself. I just felt so much shame in saying that. And knowing how I thought about myself as that boy doing those things. I totally get the Ick feeling for sure.
It still brings up a lot of shame feelings for me. It was one of the main reasons it took me so long to come out to myself as gay. I thought it meant I liked the abuse and the things that were done to me. It took some time, but I have reconciled with that, but I still feel the disgust at times. Now more disgust at the people who did this to me and what was done to me, than what I did to survive. But, honestly, I have to say I am not quite there yet and shame directed at myself still creeps in.
That is why I am glad to see your statements at the end negating all of those feelings. It gives me some hope about my own similar feelings. Thanks for posting about this, and for your honesty. It really hits home for me.
"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."