Loc: PDX- Portland OR
June 13th, 2013 ~4pm PDST I entered a therapy session where we discussed some really heavy stuff.
I was shocked that after going to therapy on and off since I was 18, Seeing many consultants for therapy that were ineffective, (in some cases destructive) and learning something new today.
I recalled that my mother was a speech therapist and she performed an IQ test on me. I recalled that she would not tell me the score, that she said it was "artificially high" because I knew a lot of vocabulary words, I also recalled that she didn't test my twin nor my older brother both of whom were sexually abusing me. (memories of older bro are not clear) I also related that.
I told My T that I never did find out what the score was but that later in life in my thirties I had gotten tested and it was 147. My T told me that there are no explanations for an IQ, that you are born that way and that no qualifications by my mother were needed or pertinent.
I also discussed particularly painful truths about my incestuous relationship with my brother and my molestation from the organist.
I have related most of this information before to other humans, other T's, in other clinical settings.
When we neared time she mentioned that she didn't want to end, she had an additional question to ask, and queried me on trying to narrow the focus to a singular or category of pain and locate the source.
I did the best I could to answer her about my (sorta) complex feelings about it all but I found myself unclear, and felt unable to answer well.
--instructions were to be "caretaking" to myself. Do something nice for Geoff tonight.
--She called it a very "heavy" session...so it must have been tough.
Bottom line, if I don't find the source of the pain and anguish in my life I may not be effective when trying to remove it. I don't really understand what direction to point at, and feel that it must be uniquely accurate --IKR :| whatever-- at some point I know this must improve, I can't go to my end of days as a pitiable incest victim, at some point I must reclaim my royalty, my power, my mantle of gold or something right?
How very fucking painful all of this is. How very poignant and maudlin that after a childhood filled with severe physical oppression and sexual violation, after complete and utter abandonment by my blood kin, I must yet carry so much pain and so much conflict inside myself, even yet!! If I could find the straps that lash this painful burden to my soul I would spend my days and nights doing nothing but chewing through them.
Is it out of order to raise my hand and ask for a sharp knife???
One way or another I hope to find a release from the shackles of depression, incest, pain, family betrayal, and self harm that seem to bind me.
Edited by bodyguard8367 (06/14/1307:27 PM) Edit Reason: sp
Loc: South Carolina, USA
I'm not very eloquent with my words and I'm not very wise either so I'm not sure exactly what to say to comfort and encourage, but I am here for you and right there beside you on this journey. We all are. I believe in you and I accept the inevitability of your success in complete recovery.
I may not be much help, but I've been told I'm a phenominal listener. If you ever need an ear, I can lend you mine.
Hey Geoff, Sorry you had such a bad session. I can relate to that for sure. I've had some doozies that have brought up so many questions and issues.
Originally Posted By: bodyguard8367
If I could find the straps that lash this painful burden to my soul I would spend my days and nights doing nothing but chewing through them.
I agree with Keith above that this line really spoke to me. It brought tears to my eyes actually. It sums up our efforts so simply and deeply. Trying to wring all the CSA and its effects out of ourselves.
As I read through all the posts on MS site, your voice has always been a clear and hopeful voice about our efforts and the drive to keep on with the work. You have given encouragement and support to so many people. I know it is always harder to be kind to ourselves than to others, but try to give yourself some of that as well, you really deserve it.
My best to you as you move forward with this.
"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds." -Albert Einstein
Hey, hope you're doin' better today buddy. That's some intense, focused shit. Since you've often pointed it out to others, I'll point it out to you. You're a remarkably courageous man to make the choice to deal with this stuff head on.
I don't know if you can relate, but I've found "head on" a bit like bungee jumping (which, NO, I've never done). Scarier than shit to think about, but once harnessed in it's a matter of saying, "Aw fuck it" and stepping off. (Man, I dunno if that comparison was too triggering or not, but I'm having a Jimmy Stewart "Vertigo" moment right now).
I particularly like your T's instructions to you...and I'm gonna be a bit of a PITA. What DID you do for yourself afterwards?
....additional question to ask, and queried me on trying to narrow the focus to a singular or category of pain and locate the source.....
at some point I know this must improve, I can't go to my end of days as a pitiable ....
If I could find the straps that lash this painful burden to my soul .....
I hope to find a release from the shackles of depression, incest, pain, family betrayal, and self harm that seem to bind me.
This is a very interesting way of describing the pain from the past as "straps that lash this painful burden to my soul...". To me my shit seems like tentacles that wormed their way in and are now embedded in my soul and not just lashed to me anymore. To get rid of it it seems like I have to get rid of me.
At some point I wish they would improve but for me I seem to get deeper and deeper in shit every day and soon I will drown. I think I do know where my pain comes from but I don't know how to get it to stop killing me slowly everyday.
I would sure hope that you can find those leather straps that bind you to your pain. I don't think that it is out of order to ask for a sharp knife as long as you know what your going to do with it. But I would imagine it's not out of order to use anything that will free you as long as it's healthy.
I wish I possessed the magic needed to free you from your pain. You seem to have struggled long enough in you voyage to find peace with yourself.
"--instructions were to be "caretaking" to myself. Do something nice for Geoff tonight." You have to follow instructions you know
Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing Jeff
Peace is Friendship & Being Healthy Peace is like the Fresh Yellow Sun Peace Sounds Like Dogs Howling Peace Tastes Like Candy (By Devin Lee Parsons 4/17/99-6/3/2011 R.I.P.)
Liri 4/28/75-3/7/10 R.I.P. Bryan Thomas White 11/9/83-5/20/13 R.I.P.
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