Loc: South Carolina, USA
I'm not very eloquent with my words and I'm not very wise either so I'm not sure exactly what to say to comfort and encourage, but I am here for you and right there beside you on this journey. We all are. I believe in you and I accept the inevitability of your success in complete recovery.
I may not be much help, but I've been told I'm a phenominal listener. If you ever need an ear, I can lend you mine.
Hey Geoff, Sorry you had such a bad session. I can relate to that for sure. I've had some doozies that have brought up so many questions and issues.
Originally Posted By: bodyguard8367
If I could find the straps that lash this painful burden to my soul I would spend my days and nights doing nothing but chewing through them.
I agree with Keith above that this line really spoke to me. It brought tears to my eyes actually. It sums up our efforts so simply and deeply. Trying to wring all the CSA and its effects out of ourselves.
As I read through all the posts on MS site, your voice has always been a clear and hopeful voice about our efforts and the drive to keep on with the work. You have given encouragement and support to so many people. I know it is always harder to be kind to ourselves than to others, but try to give yourself some of that as well, you really deserve it.
My best to you as you move forward with this.
"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds." -Albert Einstein
Hey, hope you're doin' better today buddy. That's some intense, focused shit. Since you've often pointed it out to others, I'll point it out to you. You're a remarkably courageous man to make the choice to deal with this stuff head on.
I don't know if you can relate, but I've found "head on" a bit like bungee jumping (which, NO, I've never done). Scarier than shit to think about, but once harnessed in it's a matter of saying, "Aw fuck it" and stepping off. (Man, I dunno if that comparison was too triggering or not, but I'm having a Jimmy Stewart "Vertigo" moment right now).
I particularly like your T's instructions to you...and I'm gonna be a bit of a PITA. What DID you do for yourself afterwards?
....additional question to ask, and queried me on trying to narrow the focus to a singular or category of pain and locate the source.....
at some point I know this must improve, I can't go to my end of days as a pitiable ....
If I could find the straps that lash this painful burden to my soul .....
I hope to find a release from the shackles of depression, incest, pain, family betrayal, and self harm that seem to bind me.
This is a very interesting way of describing the pain from the past as "straps that lash this painful burden to my soul...". To me my shit seems like tentacles that wormed their way in and are now embedded in my soul and not just lashed to me anymore. To get rid of it it seems like I have to get rid of me.
At some point I wish they would improve but for me I seem to get deeper and deeper in shit every day and soon I will drown. I think I do know where my pain comes from but I don't know how to get it to stop killing me slowly everyday.
I would sure hope that you can find those leather straps that bind you to your pain. I don't think that it is out of order to ask for a sharp knife as long as you know what your going to do with it. But I would imagine it's not out of order to use anything that will free you as long as it's healthy.
I wish I possessed the magic needed to free you from your pain. You seem to have struggled long enough in you voyage to find peace with yourself.
"--instructions were to be "caretaking" to myself. Do something nice for Geoff tonight." You have to follow instructions you know
Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing Jeff
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place You Visit
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