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#438243 - 06/14/13 11:29 PM Ownership of CSA
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 214
Loc: California
I'm feeling a bit raw tonight. Thinking more about how my life could have been, instead of how it is right now. Even after all the progress I have made, at times there is still this negative voice in my head that tries to tell me that this did not happen, that I am making this up, or that if you can't remember all the details then you are just making this shit up. And sometimes I listen to it and feel like a little kid again.

Then, I get walloped by a memory or an episode in my past and realize that I didn't make this up, that this really happened, that there really is no other explanation. Then, I get hit by a wave of regret and sorrow and pain. Then the tears come.

I'm tired of running from it. I'm tired of trying to hide it, minimize it, deny it, forget it, stuff it, and all the other things I do to deal with it.

I was sexually abused and raped as a child.

I was betrayed and let down by the adults in my life when I was small and vulnerable.

I was a victim.

I am not, nor will ever be perfect.

I am now a survivor.

This was so hard for me to post right now. You have no idea. Or maybe you do.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#438249 - 06/15/13 12:14 AM Re: Ownership of CSA [Re: toddop]
Agate Offline


Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 37
Loc: Minnesota
I know every word you say.


I'm crying in the booth running sound at a comedy show.


Everyone is laughing, and I am crying
That's real.

Thanks for writing the truth


Agate.

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#438252 - 06/15/13 12:40 AM Re: Ownership of CSA [Re: toddop]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 325
Loc: Iowa, USA
Todd
This is a great post you have put up. I'm proud of you for summing up the courage to tell your story. You are not alone, for soapy of us can identify with the feelings you have written about.

I understand being tired of dealing with the after affects of CSA. I said those very words to my T this week. It takes energy to face our past and that sometimes keeps us from being here in the present. It is not permanent, though. In time, you will be able to put the past where it belongs, In the past. When the thoughts and emotions associated with CSA hit, counter them with memories of being strong, in charge, and being happy. If you do that consistently, it will get easier to love yourself and see yourself as more than just a survivor.
Than you again for writing. Just knowing another guy is going through the same thing I'm going through gives me hope to overcome the feelings of worthlessness. There is strength with solidarity and healing as well Good luck to you Todd.

DavO

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#438284 - 06/15/13 02:51 PM Re: Ownership of CSA [Re: toddop]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 214
Loc: California
Thanks, Agate and Davo. Your support and understanding means more than I can tell you. I try to keep things as positive as I can, but I tend to always come back to this spot. Like being lost in the forest and continually coming around to the same place you thought you had left. Then you can't see the "forest for the trees" or vice versa.

Good luck to both of you as well.
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#438322 - 06/15/13 11:08 PM Re: Ownership of CSA [Re: toddop]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1510
Loc: New England
Todd,

Good job! You posted just what you needed to hear yourself say. We are who we are. We have to deal with the hand that life dealt us. But we can and will make it out of the darkness if we never give up.

Jude
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#438324 - 06/15/13 11:23 PM Re: Ownership of CSA [Re: toddop]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Survivor. Survivor. Todd you are a survivor. And you have reminded me tonight that I am a survivor as well. Its been a rough road for all of us and I am so sorry your evening is so raw for you.

In my last T session, I had to look even more deeply into myself and what came forth shattered me. For the last 5 days, I felt the numbness returning, settling in as it had been before I started T last fall. I don't want to go back there.

We have survived. We are the survivors. Some don't make it. You have helped me break down a wall and just for the record, I am crying with you as I write. We are survivors of child sexual abuse.

As the Jude, sir, said... "But we can and will make it out of the darkness if we never give up."
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#438367 - 06/16/13 12:52 PM Re: Ownership of CSA [Re: toddop]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 214
Loc: California
Thanks Jude, I think you are absolutely right, that I needed to hear myself say that. I feel motivated to get and stay out of that darkness for sure.

ThisMan, I hear you. This post came off three days of that same numbness you describe. The day before this post, I left work for lunch and just kept walking. I think I may have dissociated a bit. Felt a little outside myself and dizzy. But there was all this churning under the numbness. I didn't get back until 3 hours later. And then after I got home that night, it all came out like a flood.

That is what lead to this post about accepting my past. So, I did come out of a dark place to this point. And I am glad of it.

Thanks to you both for your support. I am not ever giving up. I'm in this fight for the long haul.

Todd
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#438369 - 06/16/13 01:08 PM Re: Ownership of CSA [Re: toddop]
ksequoia Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 92
Loc: NYC
I do. Looks like I wrote that, but I didn't. I definitely feel it. Everyday.

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#438400 - 06/16/13 10:58 PM Re: Ownership of CSA [Re: toddop]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1181
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: toddop
I'm tired of running from it. I'm tired of trying to hide it, minimize it, deny it, forget it, stuff it, and all the other things I do to deal with it......

I got stuck right at this point and couldn't go any further frown. This is what I came up with

I'm tired of running from Little Jeff
I'm tired of trying to hide Little Jeff
I'm tired of trying to minimize what Little Jeff did
I'm tired of denying what Little Jeff did
I'm tying to forget what Little Jeff did
Stuff what Little Jeff did

I will never be able to get away from Little Jeff for he is me and I'm tired.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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