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#43809 - 12/10/03 04:46 PM I would rather be alone
Coming-undone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/05/03
Posts: 19
Loc: PA
Hi guys, its been quite a while since I posted last (although I read the posts every day), but needed some input. I have been in a real funk lately and can't seem to shake it. Whenever I get like this I do a lot of soul searching. This is my latest quandry - I would rather be alone. Although I dearly love my wife and kids, I would rather be by myself. I don't really have any friends or a social life. I go out of my way not to make friends. People that know me think I'm nice and I often attract people who want to get to know me, but I won't let anyone. I sometimes think I should try to make friends, but then I go out of my way to break contact. I am told that when I was little, I would go up to people and introduce myself with a big smile. Ever since my SA though, I am very introverted. I am not introverted in my career, just in my personal life. I'm not sure what I can do to change this or even if I want to try. Any comments?


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#43810 - 12/10/03 06:24 PM Re: I would rather be alone
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
Iím starting to view the human race with something close to contempt. I donít have any desire to change that viewpoint. Most people seem completely happy to wallow in ignorance and bask in the dim light of superficiality. For whatever reason you seem to prefer your own company. I for one donít see anything wrong with that.

I hear people complaining about how not enough is being done to help the homeless. But canít be bothered to put a few coins in a Salvation Army kettle, or drop a couple cans of food into a basket collecting for a food closet. That is part of my reasons for not liking people in general. There are people I do like. I have met people I like because of the power of there personality. But for the most part I keep my own company.

Donít worry about it, in time you may feel different. Or this may just be the way you are. Either way, you are how you are. And if itís working for you donít change it.


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#43811 - 12/10/03 06:45 PM Re: I would rather be alone
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Wow. That's pretty much exactly how I feel and act a lot of the time, Coming-Undone.

I find that setting aside time for myself helps. I do things I like to do that don't require anybody else. That's hard to do sometimes and sometimes I don't feel like doing anything nice for myself.

Then, I guess, its better the next day. I figure I've got to have hope. What's the point of working on stuff otherwise.

Just being here and reading what other guys have to say has made an incredible difference in my life, not so isolated but not stressed with being around people either.

My partner doesn't exactly understand but then he is an extrovert and did not experience CSA. My stepson doesn't get it at all, I think. So, I make my way hoping everything turns out all right and that I eventually meet people like the guys here, people who understand right away before explaining.

Meanwhile this place is a retreat where my soul starts to heal.

Brett

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#43812 - 12/10/03 07:08 PM Re: I would rather be alone
Sinking Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
Seems to be a trend sprouting up here. So often I find that I share with people here what I thought was some weird trait all my own. I wonder if any researchers come here to see the similarities in how CSA manifests itself so similarly in victims, one after the other.
I too, prefer to be alone a lot of the time. And I've set myself up pretty good to make that happen. I work from my house and am alone from the time my daughter leaves for school each day until she returns nearly 7 hours later. At night I prefer to keep myself busy doing housework, cooking or writing while drinking several beers and listening to music until it's time to retire for the night. While I do this, my wife lets the stress of her day slip away by watching TV.
I can also see a downside to all this time alone. It often leaves too much time to think about what's happened, what's happening and where will it all end, if it ever will. But I am more comfortable being by myself, that way I don't have to keep up a brave face or let my anxiety and stress out on anyone else. There are also times that I cherish being with my wife and daughter. My friends encourage me to come out to a bar or see a concert, etc. But I've spent plenty of time doing that kind of thing in the past. I know I'm 'safe' at home, in my kitchen with my stove, my beer, my music and my poetry/lyric books and for now, that's where I'll stay.


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#43813 - 12/10/03 07:23 PM Re: I would rather be alone
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I was that way for many years, happier in my own company.

I'm still content to be alone , it doesn't bother me at all. But I do enjoy the company of the small group of friends I have.
Although they mostly live close by, I don't have the kind of relationship where we are at each others houses constantly, that's way too much for me. But if someone phones me to go for a beer, I go.

I also like silence. I hate the TV being on unless there's something to actually watch. Same with the stereo or radio, and I love music. But I've got to think "mmmmm, I think I'll listen to some Doors" before I turn it on.

I'm not keen on big parties either, until I actually get there and get into the mood ( get a few beers down me \:D ) but beforehand I'm all excuses not to go.

Somewhere we must have lost some of our social skills, but I don't miss them greatly.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#43814 - 12/10/03 07:53 PM Re: I would rather be alone
duncan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/29/03
Posts: 36
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Lloydy - i am not sure how to deliver this message

----
give yourself time -
i am learning to deal
with the desire to
personal relationships -
and not just the work ones -

perhaps your thoughts are
right -
time alone is what you need?
but with t-

heal -

get t as much as you need - or can - and
get the relationships you want -

i am starting to get what i want

- upset a lot -

take care -

- duncan

_________________________
duncan

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#43815 - 12/10/03 07:55 PM Re: I would rather be alone
duncan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/29/03
Posts: 36
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
sorry -
i thought your name was lloydy??!!

sorry 'coming undone'

duncan

_________________________
duncan

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#43816 - 12/10/03 08:02 PM Re: I would rather be alone
senordeaner Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/01/03
Posts: 11
This is something that bothers me a lot. It troubles me because I remember the days of my childhood where I was a very outgoing kid. I had no trouble making friends. I have little trouble making friends these days. However, there was a point in time where I did get a chip on my shoulder, of course right when my CSA occurred. I haven't really gotten help for what has happened to me.
There are many days where I wonder why I don't come out of my shell. I'm sick of not wanting to close myself off from everyone I care about.
From what I've read and learned from this site in the past few weeks, it has opened the door for me to really want to seek help. I want to thank all of you, who have either directly or indirectly influenced me here, for their help.

_________________________
People of the strongest character exist here.

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#43817 - 12/10/03 08:21 PM Re: I would rather be alone
Coming-undone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/05/03
Posts: 19
Loc: PA
Maybe my abuse changed me for good. You know, I have been dealing with my SA for along time (>10 years). I am definitely over the hump there. I rarely have nightmares, I have told everyone I care to about the abuse, no real hangups about what happened. Overall, I accept what happened to me and accept who I am. I guess where I am coming from can be summed up by the following question. Would I be happier with friends or not? If yes then how do I make friends, if no then fine - go on like I am now.

About a year and a half ago I posted something about how my abuse changed me and some of the changes are good, positive ones. Maybe this is a change that I should just accept.

Will


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#43818 - 12/10/03 08:48 PM Re: I would rather be alone
duncan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/29/03
Posts: 36
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
will-

i am not sure how difficult it is for
you-

i want to let you know that my t
is helping me to

get what i want -

ask him this question -

-dialogue with - him if you can

- pissed at my t sometimes - i have told him
f - you
he has urged me to voice my complaint -

and we have talked about our agreements -

it's a tough road

- upset a lot

- here for you will - we all are -

duncan

_________________________
duncan

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#43819 - 12/10/03 08:54 PM Re: I would rather be alone
duncan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/29/03
Posts: 36
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
i'm sorry i don't know what to tell you!

just what i am learning - along with the

meds -
duncan

_________________________
duncan

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#43820 - 12/11/03 12:25 AM Re: I would rather be alone
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
I get the same way at times. And to be honest, I keep dreaming of moving to a tropical island and living there. Along with that, I would shoot anyone that attempted to get to my island. That is sort of how I feel right now. Between all the crap at work and this wonderful holidays season, I am just people'd out!

Of course my therapist said to give myself time and to just take it easy... allow myself the time I need to just step back and take care of myself. Harder to do sometimes than it looks.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#43821 - 12/11/03 01:26 AM Re: I would rather be alone
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 248
Loc: Europe
I think we all need some time alone and some time with others, but how much of each can very greatly among healthy people.

I've seen plenty of friends who loved being around people and it seemed they could never slow down to think. I'm not talking about party animals, just hypersocial friends of mine.

What I'm trying to say is that being alone isn't all bad.

I used to resent it when folks referred to someone as "painfully shy." I mean, who were they to suggest someone else should be more social?

I use the term painfully shy for folks who would like to be more outgoing but can't bring themselves to interact.

Would you like to have more friends, or do you just feel like you are supposed to have more friends? Just think about it.

_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#43822 - 12/11/03 03:25 PM Re: I would rather be alone
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
I'm definately someone who's content in my own company too.

I have a lot of really good friends, and when I'm hanging out with them, I usually happy as hell, but I'm just as content to be by myself. I can do what I want, I don't have to worry about pissing anyone else off, or any of that crap. And there are also time when I activley avoid other people. I'll avoid going home until really late and everyone is asleep. I have no idea why I do this, I guess I just don't want to have to deal with people that I know.

I'm not especially extroverted either. I'm conversational at work and school and with people I encoutner on a regular basis, put me in a new situation and I will sit and read or do my own thing.

I've been like this for as long as I can remember. Even as a kid I would be content to sit in the corner and read or play with my toys (althought that doesn't mean it's not related to my SA because I was abused very young.)

I've been thinking about my antisocial tendencies lately, and I'm still trying to decide if it's a good thing or not. As soon as I come up with an answer Coming Undone I'll let you know \:\)

Eric


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#43823 - 12/11/03 04:28 PM Re: I would rather be alone
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Quote:
I used to resent it when folks referred to someone as "painfully shy." I mean, who were they to suggest someone else should be more social?
For a long time and largely still shyness has been treated as an illness, something to be cured of or, more damagingly, something to be ashamed of.

A lot of us here know that that is not true. I hope the psychiatry-therapy-child rearing practictioners and proponents pick up on that soon.

Brett

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#43824 - 12/12/03 06:04 AM Re: I would rather be alone
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I suppose I am rather both parts. I have a hard time, very hard time, getting to know new people. It takes me long time to trust, and to feel comfortable at all. But once I do, I feel strongly the need for connection with those people I am friends with, comfortable with, and care so much of.

I think if you are questioning it, it seems to bother you. Does it bother you because you THINK you should be different, or does it really bother you? If you are worried because you are not living up to some expectation other then your own, that is nothing to worry of. There are so many expectations and stereotypes on us all by society, it would take our whole lives to miserably live up to half of them.

If it is something that actually does bother you and something that you do wish to change though, then that is something you can do. Anything, anything that is habit or ingrained in us, is hard to change. But if you are feeing like you wish to be more social (still not sure, since your subject says you would rather be alone), then you can work at that, little bit at a time. And I am sure that there is compromise that can be reached, so that you are happy with things, but also the people you care about (care enough about to wish them happy) are happy also.

I do not think I am making so much sense this morning, did not sleep well! I do wish you luck in dealing with this, and wish you the feeling of being comfortable with yourself. That is what it all 'comes down to'.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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