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#43809 - 12/10/03 04:46 PM I would rather be alone
Coming-undone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/05/03
Posts: 19
Loc: PA
Hi guys, its been quite a while since I posted last (although I read the posts every day), but needed some input. I have been in a real funk lately and can't seem to shake it. Whenever I get like this I do a lot of soul searching. This is my latest quandry - I would rather be alone. Although I dearly love my wife and kids, I would rather be by myself. I don't really have any friends or a social life. I go out of my way not to make friends. People that know me think I'm nice and I often attract people who want to get to know me, but I won't let anyone. I sometimes think I should try to make friends, but then I go out of my way to break contact. I am told that when I was little, I would go up to people and introduce myself with a big smile. Ever since my SA though, I am very introverted. I am not introverted in my career, just in my personal life. I'm not sure what I can do to change this or even if I want to try. Any comments?


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#43810 - 12/10/03 06:24 PM Re: I would rather be alone
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
Iím starting to view the human race with something close to contempt. I donít have any desire to change that viewpoint. Most people seem completely happy to wallow in ignorance and bask in the dim light of superficiality. For whatever reason you seem to prefer your own company. I for one donít see anything wrong with that.

I hear people complaining about how not enough is being done to help the homeless. But canít be bothered to put a few coins in a Salvation Army kettle, or drop a couple cans of food into a basket collecting for a food closet. That is part of my reasons for not liking people in general. There are people I do like. I have met people I like because of the power of there personality. But for the most part I keep my own company.

Donít worry about it, in time you may feel different. Or this may just be the way you are. Either way, you are how you are. And if itís working for you donít change it.


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#43811 - 12/10/03 06:45 PM Re: I would rather be alone
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Wow. That's pretty much exactly how I feel and act a lot of the time, Coming-Undone.

I find that setting aside time for myself helps. I do things I like to do that don't require anybody else. That's hard to do sometimes and sometimes I don't feel like doing anything nice for myself.

Then, I guess, its better the next day. I figure I've got to have hope. What's the point of working on stuff otherwise.

Just being here and reading what other guys have to say has made an incredible difference in my life, not so isolated but not stressed with being around people either.

My partner doesn't exactly understand but then he is an extrovert and did not experience CSA. My stepson doesn't get it at all, I think. So, I make my way hoping everything turns out all right and that I eventually meet people like the guys here, people who understand right away before explaining.

Meanwhile this place is a retreat where my soul starts to heal.

Brett

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#43812 - 12/10/03 07:08 PM Re: I would rather be alone
Sinking Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
Seems to be a trend sprouting up here. So often I find that I share with people here what I thought was some weird trait all my own. I wonder if any researchers come here to see the similarities in how CSA manifests itself so similarly in victims, one after the other.
I too, prefer to be alone a lot of the time. And I've set myself up pretty good to make that happen. I work from my house and am alone from the time my daughter leaves for school each day until she returns nearly 7 hours later. At night I prefer to keep myself busy doing housework, cooking or writing while drinking several beers and listening to music until it's time to retire for the night. While I do this, my wife lets the stress of her day slip away by watching TV.
I can also see a downside to all this time alone. It often leaves too much time to think about what's happened, what's happening and where will it all end, if it ever will. But I am more comfortable being by myself, that way I don't have to keep up a brave face or let my anxiety and stress out on anyone else. There are also times that I cherish being with my wife and daughter. My friends encourage me to come out to a bar or see a concert, etc. But I've spent plenty of time doing that kind of thing in the past. I know I'm 'safe' at home, in my kitchen with my stove, my beer, my music and my poetry/lyric books and for now, that's where I'll stay.


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#43813 - 12/10/03 07:23 PM Re: I would rather be alone
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I was that way for many years, happier in my own company.

I'm still content to be alone , it doesn't bother me at all. But I do enjoy the company of the small group of friends I have.
Although they mostly live close by, I don't have the kind of relationship where we are at each others houses constantly, that's way too much for me. But if someone phones me to go for a beer, I go.

I also like silence. I hate the TV being on unless there's something to actually watch. Same with the stereo or radio, and I love music. But I've got to think "mmmmm, I think I'll listen to some Doors" before I turn it on.

I'm not keen on big parties either, until I actually get there and get into the mood ( get a few beers down me \:D ) but beforehand I'm all excuses not to go.

Somewhere we must have lost some of our social skills, but I don't miss them greatly.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#43814 - 12/10/03 07:53 PM Re: I would rather be alone
duncan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/29/03
Posts: 36
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Lloydy - i am not sure how to deliver this message

----
give yourself time -
i am learning to deal
with the desire to
personal relationships -
and not just the work ones -

perhaps your thoughts are
right -
time alone is what you need?
but with t-

heal -

get t as much as you need - or can - and
get the relationships you want -

i am starting to get what i want

- upset a lot -

take care -

- duncan

_________________________
duncan

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#43815 - 12/10/03 07:55 PM Re: I would rather be alone
duncan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/29/03
Posts: 36
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
sorry -
i thought your name was lloydy??!!

sorry 'coming undone'

duncan

_________________________
duncan

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#43816 - 12/10/03 08:02 PM Re: I would rather be alone
senordeaner Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/01/03
Posts: 11
This is something that bothers me a lot. It troubles me because I remember the days of my childhood where I was a very outgoing kid. I had no trouble making friends. I have little trouble making friends these days. However, there was a point in time where I did get a chip on my shoulder, of course right when my CSA occurred. I haven't really gotten help for what has happened to me.
There are many days where I wonder why I don't come out of my shell. I'm sick of not wanting to close myself off from everyone I care about.
From what I've read and learned from this site in the past few weeks, it has opened the door for me to really want to seek help. I want to thank all of you, who have either directly or indirectly influenced me here, for their help.

_________________________
People of the strongest character exist here.

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#43817 - 12/10/03 08:21 PM Re: I would rather be alone
Coming-undone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/05/03
Posts: 19
Loc: PA
Maybe my abuse changed me for good. You know, I have been dealing with my SA for along time (>10 years). I am definitely over the hump there. I rarely have nightmares, I have told everyone I care to about the abuse, no real hangups about what happened. Overall, I accept what happened to me and accept who I am. I guess where I am coming from can be summed up by the following question. Would I be happier with friends or not? If yes then how do I make friends, if no then fine - go on like I am now.

About a year and a half ago I posted something about how my abuse changed me and some of the changes are good, positive ones. Maybe this is a change that I should just accept.

Will


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#43818 - 12/10/03 08:48 PM Re: I would rather be alone
duncan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/29/03
Posts: 36
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
will-

i am not sure how difficult it is for
you-

i want to let you know that my t
is helping me to

get what i want -

ask him this question -

-dialogue with - him if you can

- pissed at my t sometimes - i have told him
f - you
he has urged me to voice my complaint -

and we have talked about our agreements -

it's a tough road

- upset a lot

- here for you will - we all are -

duncan

_________________________
duncan

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