Newest Members
tammy m, TheConqueror, Bloom, JohnWC, KKumar
12423 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
dphoenix1701 (37), jaywiz2009 (69), mato (57)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 16 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12423 Members
74 Forums
63803 Topics
445535 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#438050 - 06/13/13 12:32 PM Becoming a Good Man
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 589
My thoughts drifted towards this topic after reading the thread on being "the boy next door" started by si. It made me think right, I guess it's ok to let my guard down and be vulnerable and be somewhat of the boy I never got to be, but at some point I'm going to have to man up and face the real world, not let this thing consume me for ages and ages. I think I'm nearing a decade since I read my first psychology book and starting dealing with this, maybe it's time to move on. It never really struck me in this way, but maybe, regaining my sense of masculinity is the best and most powerful way of recovering. I guess being heavily passionate about music has made me somewhat effeminate...but I do try and reassert my sense of being male by playing sports - soccer, tennis and whatnot. Not really into weight-lifting or working out and things like that, but I guess masculinity digs deeper than what you do and goes into how you think...

So I was thinking about 'characteristics' that I feel make up a strong male figure and these are the ones that come up at the top of my head - independence, self-reliance, courage, perseverance, respect, wisdom, courage, risk-taking, helping others, being somewhat stoic (debatable?)...I'm hoping for some expansion. I never really did have an available male role model. What makes a good man?


Edited by concerned_husky (06/15/13 11:30 AM)
Edit Reason: Changed title.
_________________________
Husky

Top
#438055 - 06/13/13 01:31 PM Re: Masculinity [Re: concerned_husky]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 151
Loc: Chicago
Good post, Husky.

In my opinion, a good "strong" man is an individual who stands up for his and other people's convictions. Being true to oneself and accepting his strengths and flaws make a man an even greater individual.

I have known very stereotypical "manly" acting men who are by far the most infantile and irresponsible people I have ever met. There lack of character basically drains their masculinity. So it's not how one acts or appears to others, rather it's how one behaves and carries himself that leads them to being great men.

Top
#438064 - 06/13/13 01:58 PM Re: Masculinity [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 589
Thanks CafeMan, these are new and really good points. From my experience I can also say that they are also some of the toughest to follow up on. I think one of my biggest problems is simply putting on an 'act' and not following through on what I believe in in terms of behavior. I think I know most of the things I'm supposed to do, but the one big characteristic I'm missing in terms of masculinity is integrity - just following through and translating things into behavior and actions.
_________________________
Husky

Top
#438067 - 06/13/13 02:09 PM Re: Masculinity [Re: concerned_husky]
trytry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/13
Posts: 36
Loc: Wisconsin
I agree with all of those besides possibly one, I know you said "somewhat stoic" and I think to a certain extent that could be true for some small things, but I'm not sure that applies for everything, as an example, something like the reason we're all here. It takes a man that is courageous and willing to take risks (such as feeling vulnerable) just to even come to a site like this, I think trying to hide your feelings, your opinions, isn't something to look up to, tho it is necessary at times. Society in general does make it feel that way sometimes, but it's quite far from the truth, that's just my opinion anyways.

The only other one I can think of is honesty.

Good post husky


Edited by trytry (06/13/13 02:12 PM)

Top
#438069 - 06/13/13 02:20 PM Re: Masculinity [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 589
I agree with you trytry. Honesty is also a hard one because it sometimes involves confrontation. And I'm glad you called me out on that point about being stoic because I was really unsure about it, but you put it really well. I also think it takes a lot of courage to put yourself in a position of vulnerability, like being on here, so that you can take a good close look at your problems and try to remedy them. That being said, it's also a delicate balance, and I think you're right about it being necessary sometimes. There are still predators out there who will not think twice about taking advantage of you when you're vulnerable, and at those times I think it is necessary to guard oneself and not let any vulnerable feelings take control of you. I guess in other words, feelings are part of being human and there is nothing wrong with them, but just out of practicality and self-defense, you have to refrain from showing them sometimes.
_________________________
Husky

Top
#438071 - 06/13/13 02:25 PM Re: Masculinity [Re: concerned_husky]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1410
Loc: California
A strong man, to me, is one who can maintain his level of direction and goal setting despite whatever feelings he or others around him might be having.

He uses reason/logic to understand and gather information, but ultimately, he is lead by trusting his own gut instinct.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#438073 - 06/13/13 02:48 PM Re: Masculinity [Re: concerned_husky]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:17 PM)

Top
#438093 - 06/13/13 06:13 PM Re: Masculinity [Re: Magellan]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 589
Thanks Geoff, those are really kind words you left. I guess it's not all about how much more of a man I can become in the future, but also how much of one I already am in the present. I know it's wrong to assume I'm 'already there', but it's good to recognize there has been a lot of progress done in the past few years...

Originally Posted By: Magellan
A strong man, to me, is one who can maintain his level of direction and goal setting despite whatever feelings he or others around him might be having.

He uses reason/logic to understand and gather information, but ultimately, he is lead by trusting his own gut instinct.


I agree, Magellan. It does bring up the question though - if being able to focus on goals and maintaining a sense of direction is part of being a man (which I agree with), doesn't that entail repressing feelings to some extent? I guess feeling emotions is good as long as you can contain and not let them control you, but on the other hand the very experience of feeling itself can be quite overwhelming sometimes. Does that mean repression is the only way to stay focused? Or maybe it's the speed at which you can label your emotions, contain them, rationalize and process them so that they doesn't take so much time and energy out of your life?
_________________________
Husky

Top
#438096 - 06/13/13 06:35 PM ! [Re: concerned_husky]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
I spend a lot of time thinking about the conception of masculinity.

There is a journal on the topic that looks interesting.

It's expensive but there are some free sample articles.

I'll have to think a little about this, but I don't think there's a masculinity checklist. It might vary culturally and in so many other ways. But in my status as a gay male survivor, it's something I had to fight for. I think men in general have to prove their manhood in some way, but I also think this is especially so for gay men and male survivors. I don't think the abuse has to necessarily be sexual, either. It can be bullying on the playground or getting slapped around at home. But I think guys like us, a lot of us at least, feel we have something to prove. That's how I see it anyway.


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:36 PM)

Top
#438097 - 06/13/13 06:45 PM Re: Masculinity [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 589
Thanks for the links Gary, I'll have a look at them.

I think you're also right about there not being any 'masculinity checklist' - I suppose most guys have their own ideas about what masculinity entails and try their best to live up to those expectations...it's probably what I'm doing right now, trying to figure out what it means for me. You also bring up a good point of victims of abuse, whether from sexual abuse or bullying or physical abuse, feel more pressured to prove their masculinity. I hadn't thought of it that way before, I always thought of it as regaining a healthy sense of natural masculinity that was lost...is there actually a line to distinguish these two ways of looking at it...?
_________________________
Husky

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.