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#438021 - 06/13/13 07:23 AM Typical boy next door.
si Offline


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 42
Loc: Utah
I'm just your typical boy next door. If you saw the way I looked, you wouldn't really think anything unusual of me. I'm lean, short hair, listen to current music, wear the current fashion for men, drive the classic junker car in the driveway, I have athletic hobbies, have a part time job, go to college and believe in god.

A lot of people stop me and say that I look really familiar. I do, I look like the stereotypical boy next door, or I actually do look like the boy that they live next door too. It's weird to me, because I've been so focused on trying to be normal, that I think I somehow succeeded with this look and vibe I give people. The reason why I bring this up, is because it makes me truly realize how their is more to people that we just don't see. I've lived a crazy life compared to most people. I've seen some crazy stuff. I've seen things no child's eyes should see, but I did. Of course, when people meet me they think I'm a good Christian boy, and I actually encourage this. When people ask me to tell them about myself, I say that I'm a boring person and I grew up normally. Of course I didn't, drugs Sex alcohol police prostitutes and drug dealers all around me, and thinking I was hell bound and being sexually confused at the age of 4. I've become that person who you'd think is normal, who you wish you could be because their life seems perfect, but the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I wonder how many others are like me, where you'd never guess their crazy past.

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#438022 - 06/13/13 07:32 AM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
LonelyFarmBoy Offline


Registered: 06/08/13
Posts: 23
Loc: Nebraska
Finally! Someone just like me.

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#438039 - 06/13/13 10:30 AM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 313
Loc: Iowa, USA
Si
I can relate. I was talking to a fellow coach last week and it came up that I was a CSA victim. I've known her 25 years and this is the first time my past came up. She started crying and saying she never knew and would have never guessed I was a victim. All she know is that I was a victim and doesn't know the details or anything about SSA or acting out. To others I appear a normal hardworking guy. To myself, I feel like a worthless piece if shit. It is comforting I'm a weird way to know I'm not alone. Good luck to you Si. I wish you healing

DavO

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#438040 - 06/13/13 10:35 AM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Over time I have had a chance to know in person a few men here. Its fair to say those guys are all pretty typical and I suppose I am too.

I'd go a step further and say the few men I do know personally from MS are exceptional people. Maybe we feel we need to try harder but I find many of us do volunteer work or have jobs that somehow contribute in ways back to others. By example the 2 MS men I most respect are going to be teachers.

You are right wounds from real bad stuff don't always show and people may not get us. Lots of times here I connect our emotional recoveries with the physical recovery my oldest has gone through. He's got some intense scars on his chest ribs and back few see. I guess he would describe himself in ways like us too. Not long ago he said he just wants to be like every other dumb 21 year old. He is and he's not. Just like you guys he looks typical but is much stronger than his peers.

What I am saying is men who choose to overcome abuse often are even better than the rest. Stronger braver more caring, often leaders too I learned. I never give CSA any credit for the good in us. It was always in us, we just dig in and tap in to our guts to heal.

And it sounds like you all have a lot to be proud of too. Someone told me we have to celebrate ourselves and take time for fun too.

So maybe you both are typical in many ways. More likely you are better men than the rest.

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#438042 - 06/13/13 11:27 AM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 120
Loc: NY metro
I never put the two things together, about being told that I look like somebody, I've heard that often, too.

Si, I like you tried to blend into the background, not be noticed or draw attention to myself. I felt that if anyone looked at me long enough that they'd see the shame on me, especially when I was younger. Even today in my mid forties, I wont ware even a t-shirt if it has writing or a picture on it, I don't want the attention, still... I have the "regular guy look" (Easy Money reference), no tats, no piercings, ordinary hair style.

Yeah, on the outside everyone sees all the blessings of the "good life", wife, kids, fancy house & things, etc... They would never guess what I had been through, and that I still got here & still deal with the past. I'm just the guy who looks like their dad, uncle, brother, neighbor, friend, etc...

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#438046 - 06/13/13 12:10 PM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: kb8715]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 583
Originally Posted By: kb8715


What I am saying is men who choose to overcome abuse often are even better than the rest. Stronger braver more caring, often leaders too I learned. I never give CSA any credit for the good in us. It was always in us, we just dig in and tap in to our guts to heal.



This thread is pretty incredible and inspiring. I agree it takes a lot of courage, energy and strength to be able to cover up the scars, and give off that 'boy next door' image... As always thanks for post si. Something to look up to.
_________________________
Husky

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#438079 - 06/13/13 03:52 PM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Si

That happens to me all the time...'people stop me and say that I look really familiar' or they think I am actually someone else. As a teen I had mothers stop me because they thought I was their son (only for a second). Like you I have tried VERY hard to fit the mould of society.....to blend in with the 'normals'. I played and still play the 'good Christian boy' card. It is true but I let everyone think I had a great Christian upbringing.

There is 'more than meets the eye' with you and me also.

The thing is I think you will find that EVERYONE has a 'crazy part' .... everyone has their secret side that they are not letting anyone see.

but...
Originally Posted By: kb8715
What I am saying is men who choose to overcome abuse often are even better than the rest. Stronger braver more caring, often leaders too I learned. I never give CSA any credit for the good in us. It was always in us, we just dig in and tap in to our guts to heal.


Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#438083 - 06/13/13 05:33 PM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 685
Loc: Southeast USA
Si,

What you seem to be taking about is at the center of the public image I project and have projected for years. That doesn't mean that I'm not those things, it just means that I think I have managed to balance the CSA issues with a lot of boy-next-door kind of stuff. I'm a pretty "regular" guy---at least according to what society seems to expect from males. I'm 6 feet tall and about 175 pounds. I wear t-shirts and khakis on the weekends, I'm married with kids. I mow the grass once a week and go to PTA meetings at my kids' school. I go to work and come home and grill steaks and drink a beer after work. Pretty vanilla.

I've also been through some crazy stuff. As a teenager, I wrestled with demons. I fought them off and kept them at bay through becoming an overachiever in sports, school and outdoorsy stuff. Like today--- parents, friends and teachers thought I had it all together. If I did it was barely...and I sometimes needed a break from all of the stress of it all.

Like Lee said, I think everybody carries secrets with them. Some are more terrible than others...but those kinds of secrets will get to you eventually. They make you second guess yourself and every choice you make. They can paralyze you with fear and grief. CSA survivors cannot undo the past. We can do our best through therapy, support groups ---online and in-person. We use these tools to learn to manage it like a chronic condition like hypertension. Take care of things and we hope to thrive. There will be setbacks from time to time, but we can overcome with time and experience.

We are not despicable or worthless. Those who abused us are. No matter how we felt at the time, or how our bodies reacted, WE are absolved. The blame lies with the perp(s).



Will



Edited by Suwanee (06/13/13 05:34 PM)
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#438084 - 06/13/13 05:37 PM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 313
Loc: NY
Si.

Thanks for putting this out there. Yes, both my brother and I at some point took on a "good-looking" aura. But the real person we know each other as is so much more than that. It is when I think of what we have been through that my mind captures his essence and mine. To get there and stay there requires some emotional fortitude, some accepting of difficult events, and some love too, that I hope is of the healing kind.

Focused
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#438086 - 06/13/13 05:48 PM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: focusedbody]
LonelyFarmBoy Offline


Registered: 06/08/13
Posts: 23
Loc: Nebraska
Yeah I can relate big time. I'm 19 play football hockey and baseball. I date girls but I have a secret. No one knows the real me. I know more than ne one how u feel. I am you.

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#438090 - 06/13/13 05:58 PM ! [Re: si]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:35 PM)

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#438091 - 06/13/13 06:00 PM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Not a single person I ever told had ever suspected a thing. Except my wife, who'd had to deal with my screaming night terrors for years. To everyone else I was the honors student, eco-crusader, and toy / cartoon nerd. I did everything guys of my demographic were "supposed to" also - hung out playing video games, went to movies and concerts, to a pretty good extent enjoyed my life.

Except all throughout I was consciously choosing to ignore the flashes of pictures in my head, and a lot of that gaming and movie-going and hanging out was with my "friend" who had irresistible demands in exchange for protecting me from bullies. He really WAS the boy next door - well, boy next block - and so I was that, almost every night, to his clueless mother and victim brother. Shit I was even that TO MYSELF because I didn't mind it so bad at the time. To everybody else we were both the boys-next-door. Always together. Wayne and Garth, Beavis and Butthead, Matt and ____. What's to suspect about two guy friends spending all their time, all those nights together? Because to the whole world outside of wherever we were when he gave the order, that's just what we looked like and were, "friends." Once he gave the order we looked and were different.


One of my first disclosures was to an email list of my hobbyist friends, guys and girls I've known by now for over half my life. All of them are either "next door"-type normal people, drinking and joking and partying and growing up, except for those who are a bit nerdier than that.

But since I disclosed my CSA to them... their own traumas, tragedies, and phobias have been getting aired out too. And one after another, I'd never have known either.


There's a face that we wear
In the cold light of day -
It's society's mask,
It's society's way,
And the truth is
That it's all a facade!
There's a face that we hide
Till the nighttime appears,
And what's hiding inside,
Behind all of our fears,
Is our true self,
Locked inside the facade!
--"Jekyll & Hyde"


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#438118 - 06/13/13 10:56 PM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: SoccerStar]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 583
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
But since I disclosed my CSA to them... their own traumas, tragedies, and phobias have been getting aired out too. And one after another, I'd never have known either.



So true...I opened up to a close friend of mine about the CSA recently, and I had the same experience. We were getting into a deep conversation and he started throwing in words and phrases like 'codependency' and 'support network' and I thought, "Man, he must've gone through some rough times too, and maybe I can trust this guy with my secret." To keep it brief, turned out he was having major problems with his family too and was a cutter. I never, ever would've guessed...
_________________________
Husky

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#438143 - 06/14/13 02:39 AM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Yeah I wanna second that about disclosing to 2 close friends recently. 

The relationship shot to a whole new level of exposure, love, respect, and common cause. 

And as a bonus I got to hear from one of those friends in clear language about how much our relationship means to him and what strengths he sees in me. 

There is no doubt that being saddled and riddled with pain and fear, does make a fighter out of us, if we are lucky enough to find the support we need to do so. Good men like the ones here are so much the key, because men are just wired to inherit one another's wisdom, character, and triumphs. Its so contagious. 

As far as the OP goes, I was never like that somehow (feeling pressured to blend in), so I can't comment on it. I was not uncomfortable with being exceptional (this word has connotations of excellence but i don't mean it in that way!) and even kind of revelled in being unique. But I think it was kind of an angry streak, rather than an actual expression of self-esteem. 

These days, I change up my look from time to time to keep people guessing. I don't like people to think they know me. I'll show up at church in shorts and a 3 day shadow, or a full suit sometimes. I'm kind of at war with images, and I'm surprised I'm STILL that way at 45. I thought THAT battle would be fought and won by now...

Gold


Edited by GoldStone (06/14/13 02:56 AM)

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#438144 - 06/14/13 03:17 AM Re: Typical boy next door. [Re: si]
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 247
Loc: Europe
I go between thinking I blend in perfectly and wondering, "What would they think if they knew?" to assuming that my posture my speech and everything else give me away so that it is just obvious.

I sometimes wonder if going public and not caring who knew would be a sign of healing, that I haven't arrived until I reach that stage. The problem is, there is no telling how some people will reach, and you can't untell something.
_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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