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#437960 - 06/12/13 05:05 PM A letter to my father.
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Today I drove up and down the South Carolina country roads for an undetermined number of hours, aimlessly turning on to unfamiliar road after unfamiliar road. Thinking. I can never seem to get my heart and my mind to agree on any one topic, especially where you are concerned. One of the questions I keep asking myself, over all other questions, is this: Is my father and the love of my life the same person? The possible answers scare me, but the scariest one of all is the one (that at least appears to be) the truth. I am so in love with you it hurts.
Every time we communicate you tell me how much you love me. You shower me with compliments. You switch back and forth from honesty to deceit and then back to honesty again. You throw thinly veiled insults at me when I'm at my happiest and build me up when I am sad. I can see that you get off on controlling my emotions. I feel as though you are purposefully trying to create a confused man out of me. On the surface, I love you. Deep down, I'm not so sure. Or maybe it's the other way around. Maybe my love for you runs truer and deeper than I realize. The anger I feel is not enough to change my mind about you. The confusion only brings me back to you that much quicker. I know you are the one who holds the answers to my questions... the questions I may never have the bravery to ask. But still, knowing I will never receive the answers I feel I need, and knowing you are sabotaging my future as a normal man, I still run to you. I need to be rid of you just as much as I need to be with you. At least that is how it seems. That is how I honestly feel.
I wonder, are you as tortured as I am? Are you driving around Georgia thinking of me? I'm sure you are. I know it, deep down. I'm sure you are thinking of me constantly. People say you are a monster. You are not a monster. You are a man. I have seen your heart break right in front of me, although your expression didn't show it. Not to make excuses for you, but I honestly think you feel just as trapped as I do. Why else would you beg for my attention on days I just don't have the emotional or mental strength to respond to your calls and texts? Why would you be investing so much effort in trying to keep me a frightened and confused little boy? What is it you are so afraid of? And why are you dangling this perverted incestuous relationship in front of me like food in front of a starving child?
A large part of me wants to help you more than I want to help myself. I feel so badly for my father who has lost his chance at a normal life because of his "uncontrollable need" to fuck his infant son. How fucked up is that? After everything, I actually feel sorry for you. You're an aging and lonely man living in a run down trailer park in a nearly abandoned portion of back country in Georgia. You will never truly accomplish anything in your life. You have stolen, lied, cheated, raped.... I suppose none of us are perfect, but you're a different kind of malevolent. Why then do I crave your love so badly?
You have managed to create a broken down man. But You aren't fully to blame. I feel as though I have stripped myself down to nothing trying to discover the truth of my childhood and what I must have done to make things happen the way they did. At the same time, I want to fucking kill you. Internal conflicts have become the very thing I seem to live off of. I can never feel a pure emotion or have a simple thought. Everything within myself is so yin and yang. Within my mind is a constant battle between so many opposite principles. Saying I'm perpetually confused is a gross understatement.
Just yesterday you said to me, "I am proud of the man you've become." I ask you this, what man is that? The 27 year old hermit who is scared by his own shadows and feels like he is still a child? That is nothing to be proud of, dad. I realize your expression of pride is, like everything else out of your mouth, riddled with intentions of deceit. I can't believe you. And here we are, at a major realization. I can't believe myself either. I have memories that I feel are lies. I have thoughts I can't seem to make sense of. I dream things that couldn't possibly have happened and I deny events that probably did. One of my biggest obstacles is my on mind. Its something I've never been able to tame.
Have I told you yet of my fantasies of you as I was growing up? In early childhood (pre-middle school), they were rarely sexual. I like to believe I was a normal boy, in some ways. I did not know you, but I missed you regardless. I would day dream in elementary school of how you would have never actually gone to prison but we were separated by my evil mother. In this fool's paradise of mine I would be reunited with you. You would wrap your arms around me and never let go. You took me away from my mother who was my own personal Lucifer and you were my father. A normal father. You were coming to save me and protect me from the pain I felt at home and the verbal abuse from my mother and stepfather. You were my salvation. And that is how I always thought of you. It didn't matter what horrible things my family would say about you. I never actually cared what my grandmother candidly said you did to me. I couldn't remember it happening anyway, so why hold it against you? I clung tightly to that fantasy of a loving dad who would come back for me. Embarrassingly, this foolish and childish fantasy wasn't erased until 6 months ago. I was slapped in the face with the unpleasant reality that my dad is, in so many ways, a piece of shit. I built you up to be some sort of demigod. Now that I am a man you are proving to be nearly impossible to remove from that pedestal. In one breath I will say how horrible you are, in the next I will defend you. What the fuck is wrong with me? What have I become?
I will admit, you have me now. But you will not have me always. One of these days, I will not feel as though I need you any longer. I will not be tortured within my own mind. I will be freed from this overpowering need to be loved, because I will be loved truly and completely for who I am regardless of my imperfections and my past. I will finally have control over my life. As much as I love you today I am at least smart enough to know you mustn't truly love me in return even though that reality is hard for me to accept. I am systematically taking painful steps to remove you from my life. One day, hopefully soon, I will have the strength to say good bye for the last time and you will be truly alone.
The desire to be rid of you and the pain I feel is almost as strong as my desire to hold onto you. Perhaps that's the real reason why I was too afraid to go to a therapist. Maybe I'm afraid that the efforts will pay off and I will be able to move on and let you go. It's scary, changing. But staying this way is not an option.

I just keep reminding myself, this pain is temporary... this confusion is temporary... because you're presence is temporary.




Sincerely,
Aiden

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#437963 - 06/12/13 05:17 PM ! [Re: Confuzzed]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:34 PM)

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#437978 - 06/12/13 07:32 PM Re: A letter to my father. [Re: Confuzzed]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:16 PM)

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#437990 - 06/12/13 09:53 PM Re: A letter to my father. [Re: Confuzzed]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL

Hello Aiden. Wow, that was an incredible letter! Good for you for writing it! It sounds to me like it may be the first step in really sorting all this out in a process that can result in ultimately being able to move on from the chains that bind you to your father. I hope you do wind up with a therapist if you can afford one. I think that could also help immensely.

One thing that I have to point out though...


Originally Posted By: Confuzzed
I feel as though I have stripped myself down to nothing trying to discover the truth of my childhood and what I must have done to make things happen the way they did.


Dude, you DID NOT do a damn thing to make things happen the way they did!!!!! You couldn't possibly have! You were just a little, tiny, innocent kid! IT-WAS-NOT-YOUR-FAULT!!!! The blame for all of this lays 110% with your father. Don't you see? IT'S ALL HIM!!!

Keep posting and keep sharing Aiden. You are in the right place and you are on the right track. Be strong, my friend. Peace,

Ken

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#438005 - 06/13/13 01:49 AM Re: A letter to my father. [Re: Confuzzed]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
Again I can relate though as I said before I cut my father out of my life as soon as I began to deal with this stuff, last time I saw him I thought he seemed a sad, inadequate, ashamed, stunted and pathetic man and I did not feel love for him though my child part still craved a happy ending.

My dad had less love to give than our family dog but my hunger for his love never died, the closest I ever got to him was during abuse, even as an adolescent when he had moved on to younger siblings I would provoke him into violence, even the disgusting violence was some sort of connection at least he had to see me, I would hope he would go too far and then he would be sorry and love me. Outside the family I could be fiercely loyal to him. His mother lived with us and she was also an abuser an insidiously gentler one but still a sick abusive woman who used children for sexual gratification. She taught me to read and say my prayers, fussed about me having the right clothes in the winter and showed many other normal maternal traits, a tainted and dirty love but it was better than no love. What I am saying is that we had no choice but to take the only thing in our lives that resembled connection or love, a child can never be self-sufficient or independent of the adults that are around him, to use your words we were starving children and the only food around was from abusers.

Our connections to abusers are similar to domestic violence relationships, people are incredulous when a battered partner who has been raped and almost killed goes back to the abuser, but I feel I instinctively understand.

On the monster label, it does not describe my experience of the abusers in my family, people can do monstrous things without being total monsters. People are complex, kindness and cruelty can exist together in the same person. When we have very close dependent relationships with abusers then the feeling are more complicated, contradictory and yes confusing.

I donít think your father holds any answers for you even if he does I doubt he will be capable of giving you honest answers. My father lived with very twisted denial and my gran had some crazy religious explanation for why I caused her to abuse. You will discover the answers yourself on your journey. He abused you because he is an abuser, he does not know how to love a son and I donít expect he ever will. Our desperate desire for loving relationships with those who hurt us and cared for us is natural but I doubt there can ever be a happy ending.

As for going to therapy, it does not mean that you are forced to give up your relationship with your father, therapy should help you get a clearer perspective. You and only you can decide what role if any you want to give him in your life. I hope you do begin therapy soon, it has really helped me and I feel you have a lot of insight despite the confusion so I think therapy would be really useful.

A very powerful and expressive post, take care and keep sharing, clarity will come out of the confusion.
Peter


Edited by Rustam (06/13/13 01:50 AM)

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#438006 - 06/13/13 01:51 AM Re: A letter to my father. [Re: BraveFalcon]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Originally Posted By: BraveFalcon

Dude, you DID NOT do a damn thing to make things happen the way they did!!!!! You couldn't possibly have! You were just a little, tiny, innocent kid! IT-WAS-NOT-YOUR-FAULT!!!! The blame for all of this lays 110% with your father. Don't you see? IT'S ALL HIM!!!


Ken, I know it wasn't my fault, because so many people have told me it wasn't. But for some reason I can't seem to fully accept it. To think a toddler could be partially to blame for his own molestation and rape is ridiculous and just doesn't make ANY sense at all. Why do I feel this way then? Is it partly because I love my father and I (for some fucked up reason) don't want him to carry the blame on his shoulders alone? Is it because I have seen how amazing he was back then (through looking at old photos and watching old home videos) and it just seems so unlikely that such an incredibly sweet and loving man could hurt a child in that way? Maybe a little bit of both? Idk.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#438007 - 06/13/13 02:32 AM Re: A letter to my father. [Re: Rustam]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Originally Posted By: Rustam
What I am saying is that we had no choice but to take the only thing in our lives that resembled connection or love, a child can never be self-sufficient or independent of the adults that are around him, to use your words we were starving children and the only food around was from abusers.


You say we were starving children but I still feel like that child. 23 years after he did what he did and I feel this longing for him, now stronger than ever. As an adult, I feel like I should be smart enough to at least partially work through this so that I can control this longing for him and his affection.

Originally Posted By: Rustam
Our desperate desire for loving relationships with those who hurt us and cared for us is natural but I doubt there can ever be a happy ending.


Although a large part of me wants to just be rid of my dad completely and even larger part does want that happy ending. In a perfect world we could move past everything that has happened and I could just have a normal relationship with him. I know that will never happen.

I will be headed to therapy exactly 24 hours from now. I'm scared but I'm hoping it will help as much as everyone says it will.

Thank you for your wisdom, Peter. All of this insight is invaluable. Thank you so much
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#438008 - 06/13/13 02:50 AM Re: A letter to my father. [Re: Confuzzed]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Thank you for your encouragement, Gary.

Originally Posted By: Smalltown80sBoy
I think grappling with not only what was done to us but what it did to us is a crucial step in piecing ourselves back together.


I think you are right. As I dig through the reality of my present state of mind and emotion in an attempt to make sense of things and confront who I am and why I am who I am, all I've found so far is pain. But I hope all of this pays off in the long run, and I think it will.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#438080 - 06/13/13 03:57 PM Re: A letter to my father. [Re: Confuzzed]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:19 PM)

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#438149 - 06/14/13 06:15 AM Re: A letter to my father. [Re: bodyguard8367]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Originally Posted By: bodyguard8367
As a child presented with incest abuse, your own needs for food, shelter, affection, and love were threatened by viewing your caretaker/provider as a threatening abuser. In almost every case, victimized children will invariably assume that the dichotomy of parent/abuser means that they themselves MUST have done something to precipitate the abuse. Blame heaped upon self is the ONLY explanation that makes sense to an undeveloped unprepared mind.


Wow, Geoff. Thank you so much for explaining it that way. It finally clicked. I've always blamed myself for what he did. In fact, I've always blamed myself for pretty much everything. I guess accepting the blame is something I learned at a very young age. There have even been times I have thought to myself that I didn't only do something that would make it my fault, but that in some way I actually deserved what he did.

But thank you so so much, Geoff. You have a gift for explaining things so clearly smile
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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