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#437876 - 06/11/13 10:18 PM Feeling guilty about not being supportive
deerhntr Offline


Registered: 02/27/13
Posts: 9
My partner revealed his CSA to me nearly 2 years ago. For months leading up to that event and as recently as February he has "acted out" between 5-10 times, each event involving lies, cheating, or borderline-cheating activity.

His childhood experiences contribute to issues with abandonment, jealousy, lack of trust. The fact that we are in a long distance relationship only exacerbates these things.

I try so hard to be supportive and loving and patient. I usually succeed. Even with the acting out, I understand that he isn't doing it to hurt me, that healing is a long process, etc. (I too am a CSA survivor.) From the beginning (but not without lapses), I have taken the approach of this as something for us to work through together as a team.

But for months now, I feel like I've only been dealing with his hurt, childhood self. I'm trying to communicate and resolve our own relationship issues with this boy who cannot listen with an open heart and mind. I'm communicating with a defensive, reactive, resentful child, a child who cannot communicate rationally, a child who deflects everything. A conversation about how I'd like us to work on communicating better, for example, gets the response, "You've spent the last half hour telling me what a piece of shit I am." Huh?? I miss my partner.

And I understand. I get it. But that doesn't help the way I'm feeling. I'm emotionally spent. I feel like I've been going through this for 2 years and it isn't getting better. I feel like I'm making excuses for his bad behavior to myself, accepting unacceptable things because of his abuse. I'm tired of it being all about him.

I feel like my needs are being neglected, but then lately (because I'm feeling so spent) as I try to discuss these things with him and discuss my concerns and frustrations, I end up feeling guilty for taking his attention away from his healing process. (He recently participated in a MS weekend retreat.) And not just a little guilty... Really guilty. I feel like a selfish, uncompassionate b****.

It makes me wonder how much of this is a reaction because of my own past? It's hard to trust how I feel and the reasons behind those feelings. And when we hit these hard times, I spend too much time thinking about the past, seeing this mental list of all his offenses, and wondering if it's fair for me to sacrifice important things like trust, fidelity and honesty in a relationship.

All of you wonderful members out there, please talk me through this. If nothing else, I could use a pep talk. But advice would be appreciated, too.

DH

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#437878 - 06/11/13 10:33 PM Re: Feeling guilty about not being supportive [Re: deerhntr]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
Hi DH - I feel every one of your words and my only salve in moments like these is my own therapy. That forum allows me to really focus on me - and to feel supported. My husband is simply not in a place right now where he can consistently meet my needs and I occasionally feel exactly what you say "it's all about him."

But it's not all about him. It's about you too and you need to find that space. Wanting to have your needs met does not make you a selfish, uncompassionate b****. It makes you freaking human!!!!

It's a process - a slow one sometimes. I hope you have a therapist - and I can't say enough about the support we have found together with a great marriage therapist.

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#437880 - 06/11/13 10:36 PM Re: Feeling guilty about not being supportive [Re: deerhntr]
deerhntr Offline


Registered: 02/27/13
Posts: 9
Great to know someone else out there feels like I do.

Sadly, couples therapy is not an option for us because of the distance nor is therapy an option for me because of where I am overseas. frown

Hence my reliance on MS...

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#437998 - 06/12/13 11:31 PM Re: Feeling guilty about not being supportive [Re: deerhntr]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
May I also recommend a site that focuses on recovery from infidelity? It may be good for you to have some space for your own recovery.

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#438210 - 06/14/13 06:51 PM Re: Feeling guilty about not being supportive [Re: deerhntr]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:34 PM)

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#438859 - 06/21/13 09:39 PM Re: Feeling guilty about not being supportive [Re: deerhntr]
deerhntr Offline


Registered: 02/27/13
Posts: 9
Sorry that I went MIA. I was traveling for work.

Thanks, Esposa. Yes, I really would like to find space and time for my own recovery with a T. I've tried to do it as much as I can on my own, but realize I'm still carrying some resentment that bubbles up at times.

Bodyguard, we'll be reunited in a few weeks, but only temporarily. We'll have about 10 days together and then I return overseas. Our relationship won't always be this way. I'm trying to see my contract through to the end, but may end up coming home early. (It is what we generally talk about... My coming home 6 months early which would be in January next year.) I'm curious why you ask? What do you have in mind?

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