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#436646 - 06/03/13 05:24 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
because you are stepping up and taking responsibility for the situation he's actually now your child not your father anymore. if you love your child, you want to keep them away from the person who makes them do bad things and that person is you. For his sake stay away from him.

Charting our course in life with Unselfishness And parental love, choosing that which benefits others and the whole, is the best way to plant your feet on a path of manhood. The whole universe, heaven, will conspire to support your decision. and you will have the strength to bare the consequences.



Edited by GoldStone (06/03/13 05:31 AM)

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#436702 - 06/03/13 04:57 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Hey confuzzed,

My first abuser was also my father and I understand how you feel. I had sexual feelings for my dad in my late teen years. When my father abandoned the family, I cried and cried for years. It was worse for me than the abuse - at that time.

Having worked my own sexual recovery in a 12 step program, I was able to slowly reverse my perception of the past and my feelings of the present. Now I am deeply grateful that my father was absent for a large part of my life. I began to feel rage and resentment towards him as my perpetrator. These are the emotions I now deal with as memories arise.

I no longer have any contact with my dad. I have not seen him nor spoken to him for almost a year. He severed the father/son bond when he sexually assaulted me. The bond I felt all those years later was for me a false and distorted one.

I am glad you found this site. You strike me as a man with a sincere, open heart and it shows.

Take care,
Mac

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#436706 - 06/03/13 05:19 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:58 PM)

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#436948 - 06/05/13 11:55 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 385
Loc: west coast
There is a lot of pain and discordance in what you have shared. As a child the first need is to feel safe, a place where the monsters won't get you. The child has no way of coping if the monster is the same as the nurturer. All hell breaks loose.

You need to know there is no need for hyperboly here. Your story has many tragic events related, if there was DNA evidence then its air tight. Having said that your math reveals you were abused and molested more than once a day before age 5. Allegedly?

You say you screamed your daddy would be taken away. It is remarkable that a 5 year old would have such working knowledge of the law. Staying awake for 9 days is incredibly unlikely for a teenager. Physiologically its so unlikely , I think the record is 11 days and even that is called into question because of the microsleeping people do.

Somehow the conversation turns sexual almost instantly where he is concerned. If he denied the molestation in one breath, why come onto to you in the next. Then you say you accept his denial that there was sexual contact and we proceeded to fall into this sick relationship that quickly progressed from a seemingly father/son bond to a very strong romantic/sexual love.

What's so confusing is both how you say you feel and a real sense that calls into question whether your story is really real. I have read some of your other posts and it only furthers that suspicion. The story of him doing a 4 hour trip in 3. The $5 note which would leave evidence of the abuse which you say he denied and you accepted. I cant say if this story is not real, because I have met and befriended many men who have suffered from the effects of a sexual relationship with parents. Its very strange how you YADA YADA shit:
- he denied it, yada yada I accepted that
- he said there was no sex , yada yada we had sex
- he wasn't around, yada yada he was a great influence in my life

I don't doubt this could have happened. One of my buddies mother tried to coerce him into sex when she was near death. So it does happen. Maybe like one of the things we talked about in group how CSA survivors have learned the art of lying as a tool for protection. So maybe there is a kernel of truth and the rest is embellishment, aka 2,600 times ( counted by who, confirmed by who, admitted by who?) DNA evidence, well that is irrefutable. The rest of the prose reads like a film noir.

I am going to apologize ahead of time if I am wrong but something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Just my humble opinion.

I hope you are able to find the help and comfort you need.
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#436955 - 06/05/13 01:36 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: 1lifenow]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
there is no need for hyperboly here. Your story has many tragic events related, if there was DNA evidence then its air tight. Having said that your math reveals you were abused and molested more than once a day before age 5. Allegedly?


I have exaggerated nothing. The events from my early childhood are as told to me by family members. I don't remember any of it.

Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
You say you screamed your daddy would be taken away. It is remarkable that a 5 year old would have such working knowledge of the law.


I didn't know myself as a toddler but I suspect I was only averagely intelligent. My grandmother told me that I was afraid my dad would be taken away. According to her, my father told me if I told anyone about what happened he would be taken from me and I'd never see him again. But again, that is just the way it was told to me.

Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
Staying awake for 9 days is incredibly unlikely for a teenager. Physiologically its so unlikely , I think the record is 11 days and even that is called into question because of the microsleeping people do.


This was a long time ago so I can't remember if any few-seconds-at-a-time nodding off happened, although I suppose its entirely possible. I do remember never actually going to sleep though.

Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
Somehow the conversation turns sexual almost instantly where he is concerned. If he denied the molestation in one breath, why come onto to you in the next. Then you say you accept his denial that there was sexual contact and we proceeded to fall into this sick relationship that quickly progressed from a seemingly father/son bond to a very strong romantic/sexual love.


Our relationship was never a typical father/son relationship. I liked to pretend it was, though. I can only speak for me but the way I view my father has for a long time been laced with sexuality. And as far as his thoughts of me, I know he said he loved me and said a lot of fatherly things in addition to flirting that was hard for me to pick up on at first. His advances only recently became more blatant and my acceptance of them is deeply humiliating and regretted.

Also, he didn't deny in one breath and admit in the next and I never said that he did. I said he previously denied it... That denial happened well before the recent encounter. He since has said he didn't mean any harm by the note and only used a $5 because that's all he had in his pocket. He also originally told me he left because he thought I needed to be alone. Later he said he just didn't want to come clean about what happened when I was a child face-to-face but felt that he needed to be honest with me. That is of little importance though since, even though I "accepted" his denial of having abused me, I knew in reality that he did.

Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
What's so confusing is both how you say you feel and a real sense that calls into question whether your story is really real. I have read some of your other posts and it only furthers that suspicion. The story of him doing a 4 hour trip in 3. The $5 note which would leave evidence of the abuse which you say he denied and you accepted. I cant say if this story is not real, because I have met and befriended many men who have suffered from the effects of a sexual relationship with parents. Its very strange how you YADA YADA shit:
- he denied it, yada yada I accepted that
- he said there was no sex , yada yada we had sex
- he wasn't around, yada yada he was a great influence in my life


I yada yada sh*t? I haven't read any of your posts so I'm not sure of your own story and I can't speak for you but for me this wasn't easy. I realize that my writing is probably disjointed and some details are omitted for the sake of keeping the post as short as possible. So perhaps thats why I seem to "yada yada" sh*t.

Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
I don't doubt this could have happened. One of my buddies mother tried to coerce him into sex when she was near death. So it does happen. Maybe like one of the things we talked about in group how CSA survivors have learned the art of lying as a tool for protection. So maybe there is a kernel of truth and the rest is embellishment, aka 2,600 times ( counted by who, confirmed by who, admitted by who?) DNA evidence, well that is irrefutable. The rest of the prose reads like a film noir.

I am going to apologize ahead of time if I am wrong but something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Just my humble opinion.

I hope you are able to find the help and comfort you need.


Since coming to MS I've encountered very kind and supportive people who have made me realize that I'm not alone with my struggles. I've met people who have had remarkably similar experiences and they assured me that everything I was feeling is normal and are helping me to feel like less and less of a freak of nature everyday.

Now I can say I've interacted with someone who reminds me a lot of my father's side of the family. They doubt everything too. They even maintain that he is completely innocent. My mom's side of the family have been called liars and exaggerators for most of my life by his side of the family because of what happened in my early childhood.

This is the first time I've actually tried to talk about these things and I was under the assumption that this was a safe place to do so and I wouldn't be judged. I didn't stop to think that my word would be questioned.

I'm not the type of person who likes attention...one of the reasons I love the idea of anonymity this site offers... but I can't think of why I or anyone else would stretch the truth here on MS. And to think, I've only given tidbits and not the full stories. This feeling I have right now is why I've never tried seeking help or support in the past.

I'll admit, I'm a coward...so I can't really say exactly what I'm thinking and feeling about everything you just said but I appreciate your feedback, I suppose. Thanks, 1lifenow.


Edited by Confuzzed (06/06/13 01:49 AM)
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436957 - 06/05/13 01:41 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: 1lifenow]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
2,600 times ( counted by who, confirmed by who, admitted by who?)


And that number was given to me by my grandmother but can obviously not be proven to be accurate because nobody was there counting every time he did what he did...Thats why I said "allegedly"
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#436972 - 06/05/13 03:52 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 431
Loc: UK
1lifenow, you have every right to your doubts but I have to say I feel disappointed that you should share them on here. When I have had doubts about posts here in the past, I didnít respond to the posts it was very rare though. The worst thing we can do to each other is in not to believe a fellow survivor I would prefer to be fooled a thousand times than to express my doubts to a genuine survivor here. My worst fear is not being believed, I had enough of that in childhood. I donít want to go on, but family abusers often silence the child by telling them they would be taken away itís a very effective way to silence a child. I find the confusion in the Confuzzed posts very real, at any rate his posts have jumped out at me and got me in touch with some of my own mess, though I never had an adult relationship with my father. Years ago I knew a guy who used to come to my local gay pub with his dad, he told me they were Ďa coupleí.

Confuzzed, I hope you continue to post as openly as you have, know that I for one do not doubt your truth. Keep sharing your struggles with us.

P.S. Victor-Victim thanks for the feedback, glad the words fitted for you.

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#436985 - 06/05/13 05:22 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Rustam]
Czaesar72 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/10
Posts: 210
Loc: California, USA
I agree with Rustan
_________________________
Alejandro
A very grateful Alumni of the Level I WoR Sequoia 2011, Ben Lohmond, CA, USA
and Advanced WoR Alta 2011, Alta, UT, USA.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift; it is the burdens he can understand and overcome.

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#437243 - 06/07/13 11:56 AM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: 1lifenow]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""



Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:57 PM)

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#437326 - 06/07/13 07:08 PM Re: New here. Here goes... [Re: Confuzzed]
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
Guys,

We are here to support one another and the sharing of one's story of abuse is not a easy one. I know my personal story has changed over the years as I go through my own recovery, does that make me a liar?

Confuzzed- Welcome to the site, I am sorry that we had to meet over these terms. I hope that you will see that this site is life changing. I have been here for a long time and seen my self grow and change with the support of the guys here. So much has changed but MS is my rock, my never ending support that keeps me moving forward.

I ask that everyone being respectful of where a fellow survivor is in their recovery process. Everyone responds differently to there abuse and everyone shares different amounts of that abuse on the boards. We are all different, we are all human, and we are all going to live GREAT LIVES!!!!!!

Nathan

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