My partner revealed his CSA to me nearly 2 years ago. For months leading up to that event and as recently as February he has "acted out" between 5-10 times, each event involving lies, cheating, or borderline-cheating activity.
His childhood experiences contribute to issues with abandonment, jealousy, lack of trust. The fact that we are in a long distance relationship only exacerbates these things.
I try so hard to be supportive and loving and patient. I usually succeed. Even with the acting out, I understand that he isn't doing it to hurt me, that healing is a long process, etc. (I too am a CSA survivor.) From the beginning (but not without lapses), I have taken the approach of this as something for us to work through together as a team.
But for months now, I feel like I've only been dealing with his hurt, childhood self. I'm trying to communicate and resolve our own relationship issues with this boy who cannot listen with an open heart and mind. I'm communicating with a defensive, reactive, resentful child, a child who cannot communicate rationally, a child who deflects everything. A conversation about how I'd like us to work on communicating better, for example, gets the response, "You've spent the last half hour telling me what a piece of shit I am." Huh?? I miss my partner.
And I understand. I get it. But that doesn't help the way I'm feeling. I'm emotionally spent. I feel like I've been going through this for 2 years and it isn't getting better. I feel like I'm making excuses for his bad behavior to myself, accepting unacceptable things because of his abuse. I'm tired of it being all about him.
I feel like my needs are being neglected, but then lately (because I'm feeling so spent) as I try to discuss these things with him and discuss my concerns and frustrations, I end up feeling guilty for taking his attention away from his healing process. (He recently participated in a MS weekend retreat.) And not just a little guilty... Really guilty. I feel like a selfish, uncompassionate b****.
It makes me wonder how much of this is a reaction because of my own past? It's hard to trust how I feel and the reasons behind those feelings. And when we hit these hard times, I spend too much time thinking about the past, seeing this mental list of all his offenses, and wondering if it's fair for me to sacrifice important things like trust, fidelity and honesty in a relationship.
All of you wonderful members out there, please talk me through this. If nothing else, I could use a pep talk. But advice would be appreciated, too.