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#437677 - 06/10/13 04:48 PM All women are not like my abusers
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Tough day today. I had an encounter with a rude and disrespectful woman. I was angry for a little while.

The problem is that in my heart there is this little voice confirming that all women are like this and that thought fans my anger into resentment.

I was sold into a child porn ring when I was 5.5 yrs old. There were three women on the set among the men and older boys. One woman gained perverse pleasure in causing terror by sexually assaulting me with her huge breasts. The other woman was there to watch and observe me like I was a specimen on a peetree (sp) dish. As a result, I have 3 false and distorted perceptions of the feminine rooted in my heart:

1)The feminine as malice.

2)The feminine as cruelly indifferent to the sufferings of others.

3)The feminine as unclean.

I made a program call, (I'm in sexaholics anonymous) and talked the situation through with a friend. The woman in today's encounter is not one of the women in the porn ring. My perceptions about the feminine come from a wounded place that still needs purification and healing.

Thanks you guys. I'm glad I could post this. It helps.

Dave Mac

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#437684 - 06/10/13 05:41 PM Re: All women are not like my abusers [Re: David Mac]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
Dave Mac,

Glad you bring this point up. It took me a good few years before I could start trusting women again and having healthy friendships with them. You are right, not all of them are like your abusers, and I'm glad you're starting to filter out negative associations with them.
_________________________
Husky

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#437732 - 06/10/13 10:20 PM Re: All women are not like my abusers [Re: David Mac]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL
Hi David. Thanks for sharing and I'm glad to hear it sounds like you're making progress on this issue. No, not all females are the same and not all females are like the ones who hurt us. I think the negative feelings you have about women are a little different from my own but then that's because your abuse was different from mine. I actually don't have much of a problem forming platonic relationships with women but I always want to keep them a little at arm's length out of fear that they'll eventually want more than that, which is out of the question. I'm done with females and sex... forever and for good. Period. Take care. Peace,

Ken


Edited by BraveFalcon (06/11/13 12:20 AM)

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#437746 - 06/10/13 11:41 PM Re: All women are not like my abusers [Re: David Mac]
COSC Offline


Registered: 08/13/12
Posts: 63
Loc: UK
Hi david mac

I'm glad I came across your post. I needed to see someone on here saying that not all woman are bad! coming from a fellow survivor of female abuse that mean a lot. I've only ever heard it from non survivors and it meant nothing til now.

I have an extreme fear and embarrassment of woman wanting me and getting to know me. This is a little inspiration for my recovery. ty.

take it easy

Oz
_________________________
The virtue of mental anguish... is the provision of strength and resilience each time clarity's reclaimed. For my success, I owe it all,
to that which stands in my way.

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#437850 - 06/11/13 06:28 PM Re: All women are not like my abusers [Re: David Mac]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Hey Husky, Ken and Oz,

Thank you very much for your posts. It really feels so much better when someone says, "I know what you mean." I too keep women at an arms length. I'll be friends, but true intimacy (other than sexual intimacy) is impossible for now. I hope someday I will open my heart to the feminine.

Thanks again.

Dave Mac

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#439400 - 06/27/13 09:47 PM . [Re: David Mac]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#439432 - 06/28/13 05:26 AM Re: All women are not like my abusers [Re: JoeSmith]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 332
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: JoeSmith

But if I'm attracted to them, and I'm around them, even I am surprised that I will have irritable bowel attacks later.


Joe:

Around the age of nineteen, I developed a "mysterious" bowel problem. It turned out to be lactose intolerance, but in the process I found out that my sister and father both had irritable bowel syndrome.

A few decades later, I now recognize the connection you have made. Sexual situations can be "irritating" in ways that surprise me too. For a long time I must have denied it.

Now I found myself not only paying attention to my own feelings (and how they connect to my stomach), but those of others as well (and how they connect to their stomach).

For instance, in the past year, my kid's mom was dating another guy. This was stressful, but I hung in there for the sake of the kids (and because I still love her). At one point, she was in a vulnerable situation where he was trying to take her away for a weekend in the middle of the aftermath of one of those storms that made the news. I put my foot down and said no.

The most interesting part of what happened was not how she looked when I said it, but how her stomach gurgled loudly in the midst of my showing my strength. I still smile thinking about it.

Originally Posted By: JoeSmith
It's that bad. I also for the most part avoid eye contact and all flirtatious encounters with a FEMALE.


For years, I thought of myself as pretty good with women--charming and very social. I was taking after my Dad, a playboy in his own right.

These days, I find myself going through long encounters with little eye contact. Flirting is rare.

Although it feels like two different people, when I look at pictures of my earlier self, it just doesn't seem like the real me sometimes. I was trying to live up to a version of myself that I wanted to be, instead of who I was and what I was really experiencing.

One thing I have learned from my children is that true connection can be spoken through the eyes. It's something that has no words at first. The language for what's happening may not be there and may require a little courage to begin to speak. But when it is spoken, it is memorable because it is valuable.

Writing this to you, I am now recalling all of the eye contact I made with them as infants and how it has enabled us to trust each other. While this was happening, I was probably also painfully recalling what got lost in my own family of origin. What you describe is a subtle process that can take patience to recover.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I admire you for your own courage, fortitude and willingness to take some risk on this road with uneasy detours.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#439522 - 06/29/13 01:23 PM . [Re: focusedbody]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#439734 - 07/01/13 10:19 PM Re: All women are not like my abusers [Re: JoeSmith]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 332
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: JoeSmith

I tend to "get carried away" emotionally when writing some of these "posts", unlike many of you men, I come at this from the perspective of a Failure. I've never married or had children, nor have I ever been able to establish a career. I'm now disabled with the effects of my abuse, with a condition called Borderline Personality disorder as well as Post traumatic stress disorder, which makes me a combination of being very emotional at times, yet numb and detached at others, but it is often hard for me to find that "right balance" between those extremes, especially when writing about these subjects.



Greg:

These subjects naturally induce intense emotions. It is also often difficult to find the right words for these feelings, as well as their appropriate expression. Like yourself, most of us are doing our best under the circumstances. As you probably already know by now, taking the time to write can help with gathering thoughts together and clarifying an inner voice. I have come across borderline personality disorder in some of my reading. I believe I have known people with that disorder, yet undiagnosed. It sounds like you are dealing with the condition pretty well.

Originally Posted By: JoeSmith

I may not be in the best position to be giving anyone advice.


We all put it out there and it is up to the receiver what they want to do with it.


Originally Posted By: JoeSmith

I feel like being a fool on this web site. But I try to work through it, with all of these various handicaps, emotionalism, panic and regret.


What is clear in your posts is the strength of your mind. When it became necessary for me to face the past a couple of years ago, a psychiatrist told me to make use of my strengths in my recovery. This seems to be one of your strengths, so keep going! You might also start doing some reading on various related subjects. This could help you understand what you are going through. If you would like any recommendations, let me know.

Originally Posted By: JoeSmith

Do you have similar memories?


I do not have similar memories, but I do often question if there is something I might be still trying to block out. This might be referred to as hypermnesia, meaning a fear of forgetting something. When I realize that my thoughts are driven by fear, I give myself some slack and see what comes up.

Be patient, although the truth may be eager to emerge, it can take time for it to reach a sense of completion in one's memory.

Originally Posted By: JoeSmith

Was the situation with your mother more complex, what do you remember?


In some ways it was complex. For instance, in conversations with her about it, it is easy to get lost because we remain so entangled that it takes a lot of effort to remain fully present.

In other ways it was simple. Things that were deeply felt were expressed in physically direct ways instead of through words that could have revealed more of what was going on. Yet to do so requires some courage in the place of avoidance which ends up obscuring the reality.

Look forward to hearing from you again.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#440756 - 07/13/13 12:46 AM . [Re: focusedbody]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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