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#437610 - 06/10/13 02:10 AM Self Abuse-triggering shame/guilt
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
I still create crisis in my life at times. Have a big upheaval and then later abusing myself. I put like wine bottles in. It recreates the shame, secrecy and isolation of being molested. For me that is. Theripist says its a def sign of my being molested. Im still trying to understand what makes me do thus; the feelings before as well as after. I have to get colonoscopies every two years, kind of embarassing. I know my abuse shows up. I don't have memories, but feel something is going on beneath my awareness.


Edited by little big man (06/10/13 02:16 AM)

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#437611 - 06/10/13 02:20 AM Re: Self Abuse-triggering shame/guilt [Re: little big man]
DRA Offline


Registered: 02/07/13
Posts: 47
Have you considered working with a licensed therapist, maybe one who does EMDR?
_________________________
Strength in power is a false victory rooted in vapid grandiosity. Strength in character and integrity is the freedom to act righteously irrespective of the surrounding pressure. True power is the presence of mind to live with character and integrity.

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#437617 - 06/10/13 05:09 AM Re: Self Abuse-triggering shame/guilt [Re: little big man]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey little big man, I'm sorry that you have problems with such urges, but it is good that you are discussing it with your therapist. And also that you are finding courage to share it with us.
There is no need to feel shameful when speaking here about it.

Could you think more how to prevent hurting yourself when you are felt down and using something that is much safer than some bottle?
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My story

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#437619 - 06/10/13 08:03 AM Re: Self Abuse-triggering shame/guilt [Re: little big man]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Little Big Man,

You are not alone in recreating the abuse. Especially when you're talking about a lack of memory, only "something going on beneath my awareness."

That fits my situation, and others' here.

DRA has a good suggestion. Maybe EMDR can help you reprocess those feelings. You don't need us to tell you that putting a wine bottle up there might be dangerous.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#437638 - 06/10/13 11:23 AM Re: Self Abuse-triggering shame/guilt [Re: little big man]
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
I see a specialist in csa. Had other theripists but thy lacked insight. He said "you are wondering if you were molested. There is proof".

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#437642 - 06/10/13 11:53 AM Re: Self Abuse-triggering shame/guilt [Re: little big man]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:06 PM)

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#437649 - 06/10/13 12:26 PM Re: Self Abuse-triggering shame/guilt [Re: little big man]
DRA Offline


Registered: 02/07/13
Posts: 47
I've had a lot of luck processing my memories and emotions with EMDR and yoga, specifically Bikram. Bikram hot, hard, and one hell of a work out; I say that as a 4 year college varsity athlete. But both EMDR and Bikram have helped me processes my emotions and memories in a powerful and constructive way. Have you ever looked into either?
_________________________
Strength in power is a false victory rooted in vapid grandiosity. Strength in character and integrity is the freedom to act righteously irrespective of the surrounding pressure. True power is the presence of mind to live with character and integrity.

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#437656 - 06/10/13 01:07 PM Re: Self Abuse-triggering shame/guilt [Re: little big man]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 217
Loc: Western Europe
Thank you for sharing little big man!

I know what you're talking about, i've done the same (i used a hammer) in the past. I was thinking about posting it, but i'm glad you've done this before me so i can acknowledge it (for myself too).

To me the memories came back after i quit smoking marihuana, but the memory of me abusing myself anally was always there. I couldnt connect with it untill i discovered my abuse.

When it happened it created a lot of shame, just as you are saying. I've noted that a lot of abusive behavior is linked together.

You are very brave to discuss this with your therapist! I'll have to see if i'm capable of discussing this. And i really hope you can find a way to stop this behavior, as you are working on your progress!

Thank you for your courage!
Take good care m8!


Edited by OCN (06/10/13 01:07 PM)
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Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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