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#437504 - 06/09/13 07:43 AM Hell of a spot to be in. Other victim disclosure
pow Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 15
Hello All,
I am struggling with an awful decision I need to make and I could really use your opinions as survivors and/or victims.
To get to the brunt of it, I was asked by the authorities to disclose the identity of other victims that I am aware of at my catholic high school. As you can imagine, this is a hell of a thing to ask someone to do. There are at least two boys that I am quite certain met the same fate as I did in high school. I know their names and where they are, but I would never tell a soul in respect to them. I have never even talked to them about it, I wouldn't dare disrupt any peace that they may have. My concern is that I could cause them serious distress with these issues. I know if somebody would have come knocking on my door a year ago when I wasn't dealing with this, it would have put me right over the edge. You know how it is, you have to deal with this on your own terms.
But here is the reason why this is an issue now. As part of my recovery from clergy abuse I was advised to contact the local authorities. And so I did. I gave them my report of what happened in 1982 when I was a kid. By the way, going through that legal process recently, I know I could have never done that as a child. All of you who reported as children have some sort of internal strength that I never had. Going through it now was a great relief, and a stride in recovery.
So I made my report and thought that would be the end of it. I never wanted to press charges because he is serving a 40 year sentence for abusing kids after he abused me. I have always felt guilty for boys who were abused after me because of my failure to report but I was too afraid to say anything. I was too ashamed.
Two unexpected things happened in the aftermath of making the report. One, it turns out that in my state there is no statute of limitations on the number of felonies that occurred in my abuse. I don't know how many 1st degree felonies there were, but I think it was 3 or 4. I still didn't care, because he is 72 now and supposed to be in prison until he is 96. I had no interest in pressing charges, I thought it would be a waste of taxpayer money, and I didn't need it for my recovery.
HOWEVER. As part of the investigation we have learned that he will be released in a couple of years.
The detective spoke to the prosecutor and they want to prosecute my case. With some reluctance, I agreed. I honestly would not be able to live with myself, and I know what would happen to myself, if he got out of prison and sexually abused more boys. So determined to make some sort of amends I am going to try to keep him from doing it to any more boys and proceed with the prosecution.
But the detective asked me if I knew any other boys that may have been abused, to strengthen the case. And I do. I am pretty damn sure about 2 of them.
How would you feel if another victim gave your name to the authorities? I don't think I would have handled it very well at other periods of my life. But, having more victims will certainly solidify the case. My case is pretty solid. I think that we should be able to keep him behind bars just on my case but I am not sure.
He is a really bad guy. I read his psych report from his prosecution in 2000 that he has schizoid personality disorder, fixed ephebophilia (meaning attraction to adolescent boys) and his homosexual fantasies are tied to violence. He told me that God wanted me to give him pleasure. He had on his roman collar when he told me that. I was pretty powerful mind bending. Hence, my justification for prosecuting and letting the law decide what to do with him.
For now, I have told the detective that I am soul searching for the right thing to do on disclosing these other boys names. What are your thoughts on disclosing other victims names??? What would you do???

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#437507 - 06/09/13 08:07 AM Re: Hell of a spot to be in. Other victim disclosure [Re: pow]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Hello pow,

Welcome to MS. We're sorry you need us, but we're glad you found us.

This is indeed a tricky situation. The way I see it, there's two solutions to your problem: the easy way and the hard way. The easy way is to give the names to the detectives and let them deal with the drama of cold-calling your former classmates, but as you pointed out, this could be very tough on your former classmates.

The hard way is that you reach out to your classmates yourself. "Hey, Frank. This is pow. I know we haven't talked in a long time, but this is important. Father X is going to get out of jail in a few years unless we do something about it. I am stepping forward, and I'm wondering if you will step forward with me? Here's the detective's phone number..."

... or something like that.

After years of feeling not in control, this is a good way for you and your fellow survivors to take control of the situation.

If you want to talk about this privately, feel free to PM me. You are doing the right thing.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#437508 - 06/09/13 08:11 AM Re: Hell of a spot to be in. Other victim disclosure [Re: pow]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 706
Loc: Southeast USA
Pow,

First of all, thank you for opening your situation to us. Second, your initial post several months ago was instrumental in getting me to face my CSA directly without evading it or continuing to use euphemisms for what happened. Thank you.

In your case, the perp is obviously a very sick individual. For the life of me, I don't know why he would be getting out in two years. The perp who went after me...I'm certain demonstrates fixed ephebophilia with violent tendencies. He's free somewhere and that drives me mad sometimes.

I admire your courage to come forward with additional charges. Depending on what the DA is confortable with pursuing (and what his attorney might plea bargain), he would likely get quite a few more years. I'm sure the DA would prefer to have multiple victims to increase the perp's chances at essentially a life sentence. That said, what would the cost be to them? Who knows where they are in recovery? Personally, I would love for the guy to have more time, but I'd also be in a dead panic if the DA's office contacted me out of the blue due to info someone had about my situation. Someone else might be thrilled.

Ultimately, I'd gather my senses and go for it. If it happened two years ago, I would probably have denied anything happened. Like you say, you just don't know where others are in recovery. If asked for other victims, I'd consider approaching them myself...but that's fraught with difficulty as well. If they were friends---even former friends, I'd do it in a tactful way after testing the waters.

I'd still be rather uncomfortable revealing someone's secret. These things are best handled (adult survivors of CSA) handled discretely unless life and health are in jeopardy. So, I don't know if this helps, but I just would be hesitant to shine the light on someone who isn't ready to go on stage. Your actions alone may prevent another boy from going through the same thing. That by itself is a gift...to some deserving boy.

For what it's worth

Will.
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#437511 - 06/09/13 08:34 AM Re: Hell of a spot to be in. Other victim disclosure [Re: pow]
pow Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 15
Thanks Will. I appreciate your insight, I am leaning the same way. There is this subtle pressure from the detective to disclose other names to bolster the case. But, I have to believe my story is solid enough to stand alone. There will be people interviewed to verify my story. That is going to be hard enough. It is truly an agonizing decision.
I am glad my original post was helpful to you. I'm not sure how, but I am glad it was.
BTW, huge REM fan. "Crazy" was one of my favorite tunes in college. I think I listened to World Leader Pretend on Green over a 100,000 times. ...sitting at my table, waging war on myself....

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#437512 - 06/09/13 08:39 AM Re: Hell of a spot to be in. Other victim disclosure [Re: cant_remember]
pow Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 15
Can't,
Thanks. It helps to know another survivors thoughts on this. My gut dropped when you used the name Frank. There was a boy in my class. He killed himself when we were kids. There is suspicion that the perp had contact with him. It is part of my list of reasons to prosecute.

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#437514 - 06/09/13 09:07 AM Re: Hell of a spot to be in. Other victim disclosure [Re: pow]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Well then, for Frank:

Swan, swan, hummingbird / Hurrah we are all free now / What noisy cats are we / Girl and dog he bore his cross

Y'all ain't the only REM nerds here.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#437522 - 06/09/13 10:45 AM Re: Hell of a spot to be in. Other victim disclosure [Re: pow]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL
Hi POW. Thanks for sharing your quandary with us, and a hell of a quandary it is. I don't envy you and I'm not sure what I would do where I in your shoes. It's definitely one of those situations that just doesn't have a "right" solution. I'm sorry to hear you've been put in this position.

The only thing I can think of is to echo some of what Can't had to say. Maybe reaching out to these guys is the best course of action, as uncomfortable as that may be. Because they already know you, or at least knew you, having you be the person to approach them about this would probably soften the blow somewhat. Having police suddenly show up at their door to ask them about sexual abuse they may well have buried and not dealt with I'd think would be many times more traumatic.

Or, you could just roll the dice and hope that your case alone is enough to keep this dirtbag in prison until the day he dies. I can't say I'd blame you at all if that's the course of action you took. I certainly hope you choose to keep us posted as to where you go with this.

Originally Posted By: pow
I think I listened to World Leader Pretend on Green over a 100,000 times. ...sitting at my table, waging war on myself....


God, what an album that was! I love that song! Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#437524 - 06/09/13 11:07 AM Re: Hell of a spot to be in. Other victim disclosure [Re: pow]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I would contact them. Tell them that the police wanted you to help them by giving names. That you would not but have decided to contact them directly in case they wanted to help.

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#437525 - 06/09/13 11:11 AM Re: Hell of a spot to be in. Other victim disclosure [Re: pow]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 706
Loc: Southeast USA
Originally Posted By: pow
I am glad my original post was helpful to you. I'm not sure how, but I am glad it was.


It was helpful because you described how a perp can transition from funny and easy-going into something monstrous. Prior to your post, I wan't able to bring myself to articulate what happened to me in accurate terms. Sugarcoating things no longer served me well.

That's how MS is helpful...and you never knew how your difficult story was able to help someone else.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#437533 - 06/09/13 12:56 PM Re: Hell of a spot to be in. Other victim disclosure [Re: Suwanee]
pow Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 15
Survivor insight on this is a real help. One thing that I failed to mention was that the police asked that I not contact any potential victims. Apparently it could be seen as some sort of witness tampering or something to that effect.

I think I am going to withhold the names for now. I can't drop that bomb on anyone. I have to believe my case will hold him. It was hard enough to decide if I wanted to go through with it to begin with.

I did not like having to decide to keep him in prison any longer. A part of me thinks he's been in long enough. But the part of me that never said anything when I was a kid, well, that part of me grew up and I am not going to let another boy fall victim to him on my account of being silent.

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